Csaba - Step 5 (Excerpt) - 5.0

In the chapter *Into Action*, the Big Book says:

“We have made our personal inventory—what shall we do about it? We have tried to develop a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is; we have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the Fifth Step in the program of recovery described in the previous chapter.”

To that end, I first did the following:

- I reviewed the materials from my first four steps again.
- I re-read the section on Step 5 in the Big Book (pages 68-71).
- I studied Step 5 in our 12 & 12 book.
- I attended many meetings where Step 5 was discussed.
- I had many conversations with my sponsor about Step 5.

Finally:

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

As part of this:

1. I became able to admit my wrongs to God.
2. I became able to admit my wrongs to myself.
3. I became able to admit my wrongs to another human being.
4. I realized that behind my wrongful actions there were always faulty (negative) thoughts and emotions.
5. I became aware that my faulty thoughts and emotions were the result of my incorrect thinking patterns.
6. I realized that the essence of my wrongs lies in my self-centered (egoistic) way of thinking.
7. I shared the exact nature of my wrongs with my then-sponsor.

Next, I will go into more detail about these points.

Guide for preparing Step 5:

Step 5: Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

As an introduction:

- Review the materials from your first four steps again.
- Re-read the section on Step 5 in the Big Book (pages 68-71).
- Study Step 5 in our 12 & 12 book.
- Attend meetings where Step 5 is discussed.
- Talk with your sponsor about Step 5.

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Csaba - Step 5 (Excerpt) - 5.1

5.1: I became able to admit my wrongs to God.

The book *12 Steps and 12 Traditions* states at the bottom of page 57:

"Admitting our defects to another person has been an age-old practice. It has been sanctified in every era and is characteristic of truly spiritual and religious people. Today, not only religion champions this beneficial principle. Psychiatrists and psychologists agree that every person has a deeply rooted need to look within, recognize their personality flaws, and discuss them with a trustworthy and understanding person. AA goes even further. Most of us believe that without admitting our defects to another person, we cannot stay sober. It seems obvious that divine grace cannot remove the obsession to drink until we are willing to make such admissions."

So again, willingness is something I need to strengthen in myself. This also requires practice. Perhaps it is no coincidence that every Catholic mass begins with:

“I confess to Almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned in my thoughts, in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do.”

Although I am not religious, I came to believe in Step 2, and in Step 3 I became willing to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. Therefore, I can try to share my wrongs (sins) with Him as well.

For instance, the fact that I can be combative and too harsh with others instead of being gentle. That I am competitive and compare myself to others. That sometimes I feel guilty, although I have simply made a mistake.

That I occasionally regret the mistakes I made in the past. That I spend more time worrying about the future than I should, leading to fear, anxiety, and longing. That sometimes I hold resentment toward others and delay forgiving them. That I often feel pride when I do something better than others. That I tend to argue with people, even though I know it might disturb their peace of mind.

God, I am willing to admit to You any wrong I have done!

Your will be done, not mine!

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Guide for Step 5.1:

5.1: I become able to admit my wrongs to God.

Write down (or reflect on) the following:

- Does God know about your wrongs?
- Have you ever hidden your wrongs from God?
- Can you have secrets from Him?
- Does God resent you because of your wrongs?
- Do you expect further punishment from God for your wrongs?

Write down any experience that supports the idea that:

- Your wrongs inherently carry their own punishment.

Practice saying something like this:

"God, I am willing to admit to You any wrong I have done!"

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Csaba - Step 5 (Excerpt) - 5.2

5.2: I became able to admit my wrongs to myself.

The *12 Steps and 12 Traditions* book states on page 56:

“When we see how much damage our wrong thinking and actions have caused to ourselves and others, we become more motivated to break with the painful past.”

The biggest obstacle to this realization is self-deception. If I am not honest with myself and keep telling myself that everything is fine with me and that others are to blame, or I blame my mistakes on alcohol, I cannot face the truth. But if I know that the ego will come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid confronting my wrongs—or the ego-driven mindset itself—then I can begin to move toward humility.

In Step 4, I strove to create a deep and courageous personal inventory. Now, in Step 5, I strive to be honest in my admissions, both to myself and others. This does not mean self-flagellation: I am not a “sinful soul.” I don’t need to pity myself because I have faults; rather, I must deeply understand the hidden flaws in my ego-driven thinking.

Honesty is crucial. I must be honest with myself, about myself. Without this, I cannot be honest with others about myself. However, honesty must only be used concerning myself. This program is about me. Not about others. The faults of others are not my concern!

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Guide for Step 5.2:

5.2: I become able to admit my wrongs to myself.

The Step Book on page 56 states:

"If we realize how much our wrong thinking and actions have harmed us and others, the urge to break away from the painful ghosts of the past becomes increasingly urgent."

The biggest obstacle to this "realization" is self-deception. If I'm not honest with myself and instead convince myself that everything is fine with me and others are the source of the problem, or if I blame my mistakes on alcohol.

However, if I understand that the ego comes up with all sorts of things to avoid confronting my mistakes—and my egotistical way of thinking—then I can start moving towards humility.

In the 4th Step, I had to make the inventory deeply and bravely. Now, in the 5th Step, I strive to make the admission honestly. To myself as well. This doesn't mean self-punishment: I'm not a "guilty soul." I don't have to pity myself for having flaws; rather, I need to get to know the hidden operational errors of my ego-centered way of thinking as deeply as possible.

Honesty is very important. I must be honest about myself, with myself. Without this, I wouldn't be able to be honest (about myself) with others.
However, honesty must be used only in relation to myself. This program is about me, not others. The mistakes of others are not my concern!

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Guide for Step 5.2:

5.2, I become able to admit my mistakes to myself.

Write down (or reflect on):

· What does honesty really mean?
· Who must we first be honest with?
· With whom should we be honest with ourselves?
· What should we be honest with ourselves about?
· What kind of mistakes do you (we) typically make?
· What excuses do you use to avoid confronting your mistakes?
· What efforts do you make to avoid facing your ego?

Find a few examples within yourself:

· Faulty thoughts
· Wrong speech, communication
· Faulty actions
· Improper behavior
· Omissions

Write down any experiences that support the following:

· It's easier to deal with others' mistakes than with your own.
· Focusing on others' mistakes doesn't lead to inner peace.

Csaba - 5th Step

(excerpt) - 5.3.

5.3, I BECAME ABLE TO ADMIT MY MISTAKES TO MY FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS.

In the May 12 Daily Reflection, I read:

"Whatever happened is in the past. It can't be changed. But my attitude towards it can change if I discuss it with my sponsor and those who have walked this path before me. I may wish the past would disappear, but if I change my reactions to my actions, my thinking will also change. I don't need to wish the past had never happened. I can change my feelings and thoughts, but only through action, with the help of my fellow alcoholics."

So, to change my thinking, I need to share my feelings and thoughts with my fellows. I need to talk about my faulty thoughts with my sponsor, my AA companions, or even with other spiritual companions.

For me, the key to being able to talk to others about my mistakes was realizing the following:

1. I'm not guilty. Sometimes I think wrongly, and that leads to faulty actions. I’m only responsible for what I think. But I can work on this by changing my thinking. So, I’m responsible, not guilty.
2. My thoughts about the past are also faulty. I can change them by talking about them with others.
3. There are many benefits to talking about my mistakes with others. Based on the "sponsor" feedback:

- My inventory becomes more precise
- My sense of reality increases
- The feeling of isolation and loneliness decreases
- Ego decreases, humility grows

I think it's worth it!

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Guide for Step 5.3:

5.3, I become able to admit my mistakes to my fellow human beings.

Write down (or reflect on):

· Can we change our attitude towards the past? Could you?
· Can we reevaluate the mistakes we made in the past? Could you?
· Do you want to change the feelings and thoughts related to your mistakes?
· Can a sponsor or spiritual companion help with this?

Write down any experiences that support the following:

· Reporting your mistakes "lightened your soul."
· Others' differing viewpoints helped you see your mistakes differently.

Csaba - 5th Step

(excerpt) - 5.4.

5.4, I REALIZED THAT BEHIND MY FAULTY ACTIONS ARE ALWAYS FAULTY (NEGATIVE) THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS.

During the 4th Step, I already made an inventory of the negative thoughts that usually trigger negative feelings in me.

For example, the following thoughts provoke resentment and anger in me:

- They want to harm me.
- They are hurting me.
- They caused me damage.
- Everyone is against me.
- I’ll show them!
- They’ll get it back one day!
- Why aren't they doing what they should?
- They should do what I say.

These same resentful thoughts lead to the following faulty actions:

- Withholding love, harboring hate
- Cutting off communication, sulking
- Insulting, criticizing, slandering, gossiping
- Physical attack, violent behavior

Or, for example, I generally experience fear and anxiety around the following thoughts:

- Why did I do such things?
- What will happen to me now?
- I don't feel good!
- My past is holding me back.
- My future is completely hopeless.
- I’m forever indebted to others.
- What if things don’t turn out as expected?

These faulty (negative) thoughts can lead to inaction, where fear prevents me from doing many things I should otherwise do to manage my everyday life. I become paralyzed and incapable of action. This too is a form of faulty action. Continuous anxiety can even lead to the most flawed action—relapsing.

My faulty thoughts are usually not conscious; they just subconsciously keep running in the back of my mind. That’s why it’s important to always "consciously acknowledge" them, because without doing so, I wouldn’t be able to correct my faulty actions.

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Guide for Step 5.4:

5.4, I recognize that behind my faulty actions are always faulty (negative) thoughts and emotions.

Write down (or reflect on):

· What are your habitual thought patterns that cause most of your faulty actions?
· What emotions are associated with these thoughts?
· Are these thoughts and emotions always conscious to you while acting?

Write down a few examples of:

· What mistakes have you made?
· And what faulty thoughts were behind them?
· What emotions were associated with them?

Csaba - 5th Step

(excerpt) - 5.5.

5.5, I REALIZED THAT MY FAULTY THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS STEM FROM MY FAULTY ATTITUDES.

In the 5th Step, I strive to admit the true nature of my mistakes. But what is the "true" nature of my mistakes? It’s not such a simple question...
As long as I believed in human willpower, I thought I made mistakes, or committed faulty actions (like drinking again and again) because I lacked willpower. Because I just needed to want it, and things would be as I wanted. This belief was reinforced by my surroundings. They would say things like, "See, others can do it. Why can’t you?" Oh, how I hated that...

Thanks to the program, I now know:

1. I am not in control, my will doesn’t count for much.
2. My actions are driven by my habits, not my will. Most of my decisions are made unconsciously.
3. I make mistakes because my thoughts are faulty. This is true for both conscious and subconscious thoughts.

Finally, after reading the literature, I realized that my faulty thoughts all stem from my wrong attitudes, my bad ways of thinking.
As I mentioned in Step 4, I took inventory of my faulty attitudes, and it turned out that I still need to work on the following (in alphabetical order):

- Possessive
- Guilty
- Dependent
- Aggressive
- Harsh
- Indebted
- Pitying
- Competitive

So when I admit my mistakes to God, to myself, or to my fellow human beings, I must acknowledge these faulty attitudes, because they represent the true nature of my mistakes. These attitudes lead to my faulty thoughts which (whether conscious or subconscious) result in wrong actions.

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Guide for Step 5.5:

5.5. I Realize that My Faulty Thoughts and Emotions Stem from My Wrong Attitudes

Reflect on and write about the following:

- Can willpower overcome our addictions? And our character defects?
- What bad habits do you have that willpower cannot overcome?
- Can practice change our bad habits?
- What wrong attitudes do you have that lead to many bad thoughts?
- Can practice change our wrong attitudes?

Write about any experiences that support the following:

- If you approach something with the wrong attitude, nothing good comes out of it.
- If you approach things correctly, there is a greater chance for progress.

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Csaba - Step 5 (Excerpt) - 5.6

5.6. I Realized that My Faults Stem from My Self-Centered (Egoistic) Thinking.

So, as I was taking inventory, I realized I have many faulty attitudes (e.g., possessive, guilty, dependent, combative, tough, indebted, pitying, competitive, etc.) that still need improvement. But where do these wrong attitudes come from? The Big Book, on page 61, second paragraph, says:  
“We listed the defects of character that caused our failures. Convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations."

The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book says, on page 56, in the introduction to Step 5:  
“All Twelve Steps demand that we act contrary to our natural desires... every one of them depletes our oversized ego. Since it is about reducing our inflated ego, perhaps this is the most difficult Step. But it is also the most necessary for lasting sobriety and spiritual peace."

So I always end up here: my ego is the source of my problems. My task is to recognize and let go of my ego. Of course, this is not easy.

For example, why would I think that being tough is wrong? Everywhere I hear: Be tough! Be a man! Stand up for yourself! But I have to admit, this is only what the ego wants. God, on the other hand, would prefer me to be gentle—with others and with myself. Someone who is tough cannot be gentle. Now, I want to be gentle rather than tough.

Or, for example, before taking Step 5, I didn't think it was wrong to be combative. After all, life is full of struggle, competition, arguments, victories, defeats, more struggles, falling behind in the race, competing again, convincing others, defeating others, etc., etc. But I had to admit that this is only what the ego wants. God would rather have me live in peace with myself and others. Someone who is combative cannot be peaceful. I want to be peaceful, not combative.

So I continue to practice that I am not the center of the world...  
"No 'I', no problem!"—as the Buddhists say. And they are right...

"Thy will be done, not mine!"—say the alcoholics. And how true that is too...

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Guide to Step 5.6 Section:

5.6. I Realize that My Faults Stem from My Self-Centered (Egoistic) Thinking.  

Reflect on and write about the following:

- What egoistic traits do you have?
- How do these usually lead to problems in your life?
- How do they usually cause suffering for you?
- How does your ego try to convince you that you need these traits?

Write about any experiences that support the idea that:

- Recognizing and letting go of the ego can lead to spiritual peace.

Practice the following (or something similar):

- I am not the center of the world!
- No "I," no problem!
- Thy will be done, not mine!

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Csaba - Step 5 (Excerpt) - 5.7  

5.7. I Shared the True Nature of My Faults with My Sponsor.

By the end of Step 5, I had completed my lists:

- of my faulty actions,
- of the negative emotions surrounding my faults,
- of the wrong thoughts accompanying those emotions,
- of the attitudes that gave rise to those wrong thoughts,
- of the egoistic (self-centered) thinking that triggered those attitudes.

The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book, on page 56, says:  
“When we realized how much harm our wrong thinking and actions had caused ourselves and others, the need to cut away the painful past became more urgent. We had to talk to someone about them.”

But who should I talk to? Who should I show my lists to? With whom should I honestly share the true nature of my faults? The answer arises that: with my sponsor.

There was only one problem: during the first 4 Steps, my sponsor was a woman from AA with whom I lived on the same street, and we had many conversations on the way home from meetings. She gave me a lot of good advice and materials (movies, CDs, question lists) for the first 4 Steps, but she said that I should definitely take Step 5 with a male sponsor.

So I asked one of our long-standing members to be my new sponsor, and he agreed. I asked him to listen to my Step 5 sharing about the true nature of my faults. He said, "Okay." I went to him and made my honest admissions. He said that it was very good for him as well. However, he couldn’t offer further advice or guidance because he hadn’t even done Step 4 yet.  
So that’s how it went... But it was still useful to take this step. It strengthened my honesty and humility.

Afterward, I started looking for a new sponsor who had already completed Step 6. I'll report the results of that soon.

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Guide to Step 5.7 Section:

5.7. I Share the True Nature of My Faults with My Sponsor.  

Make a list and share with your sponsor or spiritual companion:

- Your egoistic traits
- Your wrong attitudes
- Your faulty thoughts
- Your negative emotions

1. Are you willing to admit any faults to God?  
2. Can you admit your faults to yourself?  
3. Can you admit your faults to your fellow human beings?  
4. Have you noticed that behind your faulty actions there are always faulty (negative) thoughts and emotions?  
5. Have you realized that your faulty thoughts and emotions stem from your wrong attitudes?  
6. Do you know that the essence of your faults lies in your self-centered (egoistic) thinking?  
7. Have you already shared the true nature of your faults with your sponsor?