Step 4

[root]

I feel that I have completed Step 3. I have entrusted my life to God. Now, I would like to share with you how I did Step 4:

- I reviewed the materials for my first 3 steps once again.
- I reaffirmed two important decisions within myself:

1. I am willing to entrust the course of my life to God.
2. I need to change my way of thinking.

- I re-read the Step 4 material in the Big Book (pages 60-67).
- I read Step 4 in our *12 Steps and 12 Traditions* book.
- I attended many meetings that focused on Step 4.
- I had numerous conversations with my sponsor about Step 4.

Finally:

4. I MADE A THOROUGH AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF MYSELF.

As part of this:

1. I moved beyond the idea that my character defects were caused by my drinking, and that apart from drinking, there was nothing wrong with me.
   a. I moved beyond the idea that my character defects were caused by drug use, and that apart from drugs, there was nothing wrong with me (NA).
   b. I moved beyond the idea that my character defects were caused by my illness, and that apart from my emotional problems, there was nothing wrong with me (EA).
   c. I moved beyond the idea that if the world were a better place, there would be nothing wrong with me (HT).
2. I moved beyond the idea that my troubles were caused by others.
3. I made an inventory of my resentments (anger list).
4. I forgave myself.
5. I forgave my mother.
6. I forgave everyone.
7. I forgave every group, office, and institution.
8. I started to recognize the negative emotions behind my bad feelings.
9. I made an inventory of my fears and anxieties (fear list).
10. I began identifying the negative thoughts surrounding my negative emotions.
11. I started replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.
12. I began letting go of negative thinking patterns and attitudes.
13. I realized that I am not identical with my bad thoughts.

Guide for this step:

Before starting the following exercises:

- Review your materials from the first 3 steps!
- Reinforce the following within yourself:

1. Are you willing to entrust the course of your life to God?
2. Are you willing to fundamentally change your way of thinking?

Additionally:

- Re-read the Step 4 material in the Big Book (pages 60-67)!
- Read Step 4 in the *Steps Book*!
- Attend meetings where Step 4 is discussed!
- Talk with your sponsor or companions about Step 4!

4.1. I moved beyond the idea that my character defects were caused by drinking, and that apart from drinking, there was nothing wrong with me (AA).

When I began Step 4, and after re-reading Step 4 in the *Steps Book*, I decided to first map out the factors that might prevent me from taking this step. What excuses could I use to avoid making an inventory of myself?

The book says: "We will proudly proclaim how good our lives were before alcohol took us down. We will claim that our character defects—if we even admit we have any—were primarily caused by heavy drinking. From this, we conclude that—first, last, and always—we only need to strive for sobriety. We believe that once we stop drinking, our former impeccable character will spring back to life. After all, if we were decent people apart from drinking, why should we dig through the past now that we're sober?"

During the first three steps, I already realized that my main task is to change my ego-centric thinking. Spiritual growth is what I must strive for. It's not enough to simply aim for not drinking. And it's not advisable either, because:

1. Without spiritual growth, not drinking isn't real sobriety; it's just dryness. I've heard this from others in AA.
2. Almost all of my life's problems were caused by my ego-centrism. Alcohol was just the icing on the cake, a substance I used to try and cover up my ego-driven problems and sufferings.

In the end, I agreed with those companions who said: "If I take my problems as a meter, 10 centimeters of that is alcohol. The rest is me!"

To "wake up" fully, spiritual growth is needed. And for that, Step 4, inventory-taking, is essential.

Guide for this step:

Write down (or think about):

- What excuses do people come up with to avoid self-examination?
- Did you have similar excuses that hindered your inventory-taking?
- Approximately what percentage of your problems were caused by drinking, and how much by your ego?
- Does spiritual growth generally lead to inner peace?
- Is self-examination necessary for spiritual growth?

Write down any experiences you have that support the idea that:

- Ego-centric thinking causes more problems and suffering than drinking itself.

4.1.A) I moved beyond the idea that my character defects were caused by drug use, and that apart from using drugs, there was nothing wrong with me (NA).

When I began Step 4, and after re-reading Step 4 in the *Steps Book*, I decided to first map out the factors that might prevent me from taking this step. What excuses could I use to avoid making an inventory of myself?

The *Steps Book* expresses this well in relation to alcohol use. In your mind, replace the word "alcohol" with any substance or method: "We will proudly proclaim how good our lives were before [the substance] took us down. We will claim that our character defects—if we even admit we have any—were primarily caused by heavy [use]. From this, we conclude that—first, last, and always—we only need to strive for [cleanliness]. We believe that once we stop using [drugs], our former impeccable character will spring back to life. After all, if we were decent people apart from [using], why should we dig through the past now that we're [clean]?"

During the first three steps, I already realized that my main task is to change my ego-centric thinking. Spiritual growth is what I must strive for. It's not enough to simply aim for abstinence. And it's not advisable either, because:

1. Without spiritual growth, cleanliness isn't real sobriety; it's just dryness. I've heard this from others in the community.
2. Almost all of my life's problems were caused by my ego-centrism. [Drugs, sex, gambling] were just the icing on the cake.

Methods I used to try and cover up my ego-driven problems and suffering.

In the end, I agreed with those companions who said: "If I take my problems as a meter, 10 centimeters of that is use. The rest is me!"

To "wake up" fully, spiritual growth is needed. And for that, Step 4, inventory-taking, is essential.

Guide for this step:

Write down (or think about):

- What excuses do people come up with to avoid self-examination?
- Did you have similar excuses that hindered your inventory-taking?
- Approximately what percentage of your problems were caused by using, and how much by your ego?
- Does spiritual growth generally lead to inner peace?
- Is self-examination necessary for spiritual growth?

Write down any experiences you have that support the idea that:

- Ego-centric thinking causes more problems and suffering than using itself.

4.1.B) I moved beyond the idea that my character defects were caused by illness, and that apart from my emotional problems, there was nothing wrong with me (EA).

As I started working on the fourth step and reread the step in the Step Book, I decided that first, I would map out the factors that might prevent me from taking this step. What excuses might I find to avoid making an inventory of myself?

The Step Book articulates this well in relation to alcohol use. It warns about the tendency to blame our problems and mistakes on our illness.

We in EA (Emotions Anonymous) might think that we just need to fix our emotional instability (perhaps with medication), and then there would be no problem with us. And if it’s true that, aside from our emotional issues, we are decent people, then why dig into the past now, especially when we feel good?

During the first three steps, I already realized that my most important task is to change my egocentric way of thinking. Spiritual growth. This is what I must strive for. It is not enough to simply strive for being symptom-free. And it’s not even advisable, because:

1. Without spiritual growth, being symptom-free is not true recovery, just a reprieve. My illness can strike back at any time and destroy me.
2. Almost all the problems in my life have been caused by my egocentricity. My illnesses only added color to the picture, complicating my life.

Eventually, I agreed with the companions who said: "If I consider my problems to be one meter long, 10 centimeters are due to the illness. The rest is me!" So, for recovery, spiritual growth is needed. And for that, the fourth step—inventory—is essential.

A guide for this part of the step:

Write down (or reflect on):

● What excuses do people come up with to avoid self-examination?
● Have you had similar excuses that hindered your inventory?
● How much of your problems do you think were caused by genetics, and how much by your ego?
● Does spiritual growth generally lead to inner peace?
● Is self-examination necessary for spiritual growth?

Write down any experience that supports:

● Self-centered thinking causes more problems and suffering than emotional instability itself.

I moved past the idea that if the world were a better place, I would have no problems. 

As I began working on the fourth step and reread the Step Book, I decided to map out the factors that might prevent me from taking this step. What excuses might I find to avoid making an inventory of myself?

The Step Book articulates this well in relation to alcohol use. It warns about the danger of blaming all our problems and mistakes on our illness.

We might also think that we should fix the world’s problems first, and then we would have no problems. And if it's true that we are fundamentally decent people, why dig into our past when there are so many tasks and problems to solve in the world? And who will solve them if not us?

However, during the first three steps, I realized that my most important task is to change my egocentric way of thinking. Spiritual growth. This is what I must strive for, not to change the outside world.

I agreed with the companions who said: "If I consider my problems to be one meter long, 10 centimeters are due to the outside world. The rest is me!" Or maybe even more?

So, for recovery, spiritual growth is needed. And for that, the fourth step—inventory—is essential.

Write down (or reflect on):

● What excuses do people come up with to avoid self-examination?
● Have you had similar excuses that hindered your inventory?
● How much of your problems were caused by external factors, and how much by your ego?
● Does spiritual growth generally lead to inner peace?
● Is self-examination necessary for spiritual growth?

Write down any experience that supports:

● Our self-centered thinking causes all our problems and suffering.

I have moved past the idea that my problems are caused by others.

The Step Book says on page 46:

“We also find other excuses to avoid inventory. Obviously, our anxieties and troubles are caused by others: they are the ones who really need moral reckoning! We firmly believe that if others treated us better, everything would turn out fine. The guilty ones are not us, but them."

In meetings, I heard not to do someone else’s fourth step, but my own. It’s easy to find faults in others, but there are likely plenty in me as well. I also heard at meetings that when I point a finger at someone else, blaming them for something, one finger points at them, while three fingers point back at me. Something to think about...

Jesus said something similar: “Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye and fail to notice the beam in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:4)

And when I reread page 59 of the Big Book, which I had already processed during the third step, I reinforced in myself the thought: “Selfishness - self-centeredness! We think this is the root of all our troubles. [...] thus our problems are essentially self-inflicted, they stem from within us."

Well, if my troubles come from within me, I must dig deep into the matter. I must start the inventory.

A guide for this part of the step:

Write down (or reflect on):

● What proves that others make more mistakes than you?
● What supports the idea that others’ mistakes are more serious than yours?
● Is it possible that your mistakes don’t cause any trouble for anyone?
● Is it true that your troubles are more the result of others’ mistakes than your own?

Write down any experience that supports:

● Your troubles primarily come from within you.

4.3 I inventoried my resentments (anger list).

The Big Book says on page 61:

“Essentially, a business inventory is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. [...] We did the same thing with our lives. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory. First, we searched out the flaws in our makeup that caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stems all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were 'burned up.'"

Sorry for the long quote, but it was necessary here! I’d add that in my experience, resentment destroys not just alcoholics but everyone else’s lives too. More than anything else...

So, I made my chart as shown on page 62 of the Big Book. I won’t copy it here due to personal reasons, but the gist is that, interestingly, the people on it were those closest to me. My mother, who “constantly wants to control me.” My ex-wife, who “wasn’t understanding enough.” My former boss, who fired me from work. My former business partner, who didn’t pay me for a job, etc. And, of course, I also appeared on my own list, as I had reasons to resent myself as well.

The people and institutions on my anger list mostly damaged my self-esteem. They lowered my self-worth. That is—practically—my ego felt attacked. My self-centered way of thinking is what fuels the anger within me.

But how could I let go of these resentments? My sponsor said: Well, through forgiveness! I’ll write more about this next...

A guide for this part of the step:

Write down (or reflect on):

● Who are the people you resent the most?
● Which organizations or institutions would you most like to see gone?
● What societal phenomena, ideologies, or worldviews can you not stand?
● What (material, moral, societal) harm have these caused you?
● Which of your relationships have they damaged or destroyed?
● Which of your plans did they thwart or endanger?
● How did they hurt your self-esteem, self-worth, or ego?

Write down any experience that supports:

● Revenge (even though it might feel sweet) is not a solution.
● Anger poisons your soul.
● Resentment causes suffering. Especially for you.

4.4 I forgave myself.

Forgiving myself was practically established during the completion of the first three steps.

After completing Step 1, the feeling of Shame disappeared:

- Before, I used to think: "I am crazy. I am defective."
- Afterward, I thought: "I am powerless. I am sick. But I have been granted grace!"

After completing Step 2, the feeling of Guilt disappeared:

- Before, I used to think: "I made myself sick. I ruined my environment, my family."
- Afterward, I thought: "Neither I nor anyone else is responsible for my illness. Only the Higher Powers know the reasons why."

After completing Step 3, Self-pity disappeared:

- Before, I used to think: "I ruined my life. I've lost everything. I have no more chances. Things didn’t turn out the way I wanted."
- Afterward, I thought: "What I want is not important. There is no real loss in life. You can always start again! God is taking care of me; the key is spiritual growth."

In Step 4, my belief that I am not sinful grew stronger. I can make mistakes! I never have to feel shame or guilt again. I never have to resent myself again!

Guide for this step:

Write down (or reflect on) the following:

- Do you still feel shame for your past actions? Do you want grace?
- Do you still feel guilt? How could you resolve it?
- How do you feel about self-pity? And what is your relationship with God like?
- Do you believe that sins demand punishment?
- Do you feel that you haven't suffered enough yet?

Write down any experiences that support the following:

- Everyone can make mistakes. So can you.
- Mistakes can be made right, so there’s no need to suffer for them.
- Your mistakes can be made right, so you don’t need to suffer for them either.

Practice the following (or something similar):

- "God, forgive my mistakes, and help me to forgive myself for them!"

When a mistake you’ve made comes to mind, say to yourself:

- "I don’t regret doing that..."
- "At the time, it seemed like a good idea..."

4.5 I forgave my mother.

I am not sinful. I can make mistakes! I never have to feel shame or guilt again. I never have to resent myself again! – This is where I stand as I look at my anger list, and at the top of that list is my mother. (My father passed away when I was 17, so he’s further down the list.)

My mother is at the top of my list. She argues with me, tries to control me, and drains my energy with her negative thinking. She starts every sentence with, "My son, why didn’t you...?!"

So, how could I forgive her?

I no longer think that she is to blame for the development of my life problems. Since Step 2, I’ve known that no one is responsible for this, not even myself. “Up there,” they know why this was good for me.

I don’t have to think that she intentionally wants to harm me either. When I consider her intentions and thoughts as a mother, with a little empathy, I have to admit that she has never done anything other than try to be a good mother.
Does she sometimes think in unhealthy ways? Well, who doesn’t? Who doesn’t have sick thoughts? Including myself?

- Is my mother sinful? No!
- Has she made mistakes? Certainly!
- Do I need to resent her for them? Absolutely not!

So, what can I do to ease the tension between us? I try not to react to her attempts to control me. I’ve started practicing ignoring her remarks, especially the “why didn’t you” sentences aimed at controlling me. At first, she pushed a little harder. Then I said to her:

"Mom, I simply can’t answer such questions! And I don’t want to either!"

Over time, our relationship began to improve, thanks to the fact that I forgave her from the bottom of my heart after realizing that she never really caused me any harm. I was always the one who caused harm to myself, mainly emotionally. With my own thoughts.
To foster forgiveness, I started gathering my mother’s positive qualities in my mind.

I began to love her for those. In the evenings, I would sit on the edge of my bed, close my eyes, and think of her. I would see her in my mind, smiling, happy. In my thoughts, I would hug her. I love her!

Guide for this step:

Write down (or reflect on) the following:

- Do you resent your mother (or either parent)?

- To what extent do her (or his) actions stem from:
- her (or his) role as a mother (or parent)?
- her upbringing?
- societal expectations?
- misinterpreted good intentions?
- involuntary unhealthy thoughts?
- Would you call her (or him) sinful?
- Does she (or he) have good qualities? List them!

- Is it necessary to resent her (or him) for the mistakes she (or he) has made?

Write down any experience that supports the belief that:

- Even with her mistakes, she (or he) is still lovable.

Think of your mother (or father), and repeat to yourself the following (or something similar):

- "Mom (or Dad), I forgive you for all your mistakes."
- "Mom (or Dad), I know you are good and lovable."

4.6 I forgave all people.

For me, freeing myself from resentment is a necessity. On page 63 of our Big Book, I read this:

"It is obvious that a life filled with severe resentments leads to failure and unhappiness. To the extent that we suffer from it, we waste the precious hours of our lives. Since an alcoholic hopes to maintain and grow a spiritual experience, resentment is unspeakably serious for us. Indeed, we found it to be fatal. For when we harbor such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit: the insanity of alcohol returns, and we drink again.

And for us, drinking equals death. If we want to live, we must rid ourselves of anger. Bad temper and tantrums are not for us. For normal people, they may be luxuries of dubious value, but for the alcoholic, they are poison."

To this, I would add that if anger and bad moods are "luxuries" even for normal people, then they are especially dubious for those suffering from addiction, emotional instability, or even just their own ego. And most of us, of course, suffer from this the most...

So, for my part, I realized that I had to rid myself of resentment. But how? My sponsor suggested that I forgive everyone who ever caused me harm, or at least those I feel caused me harm. Forgive those who ever hurt me, or at least those I feel hurt me. And even those who will hurt me in the future!

Alright, but how can I forgive? What is forgiveness anyway?

I looked it up in the dictionary:

Forgiveness:

1. To be willing to forget or disregard something that caused discomfort or inconvenience.
2. To release hostile feelings towards someone; to cease holding a grudge or resentment towards them for an offense.

So, that is what I need to do. But how?! On page 63, the Big Book states:

"We took this path: We realized that the people who harmed us were probably spiritually ill. We didn't like their symptoms nor how they disturbed us, but they were sick, just as we were. We asked God to help us show the same tolerance, compassion, and patience toward them as we would a sick friend. When someone offended us, we said: This is a sick person. How can I help them? God, grant that I may not feel anger towards them. Thy will be done."

So I started practicing, programming myself, repeating the following daily (freely inspired by Béla Balogh):

1. I turn with compassion and understanding towards those who are spiritually, mentally, and physically ill.
2. I forgive without exception all those who have ever offended me and wish them health, happiness, and all the joys of life.
3. Whenever someone’s name comes to mind who has hurt me, I think: “I forgive. All the joys of life are yours. You are free, and I am free too."
4. After forgiveness, love, peace, and calm fill my heart.
5. All is well in my world.

Lately, after reading *A Course in Miracles*, I’ve been saying the following to myself when I meet someone or see someone on the street:

"My brother, I look at you through Christ's eyes, and I see in you my perfect sinlessness."

Guide for the Step:

Write down (reflect on):

- Is there a risk of relapse if you don't grow spiritually?
- Can you grow spiritually when you're feeling bad?
- Do you feel good when you're holding a grudge against someone?
- Is it your job to punish sinners?
- Are the people on your "anger list" sinners?
- Are you willing to try to approach those who have offended you with understanding?
- Are you willing to let go of any desire for retaliation regarding their faults?
- Are people generally sinners?
- Are you willing to let go of any desire for revenge for the sake of your own peace of mind?
- If others are sinners, does that mean you must be a sinner too? Do you understand this?
- If you see others as sinless, you cannot be a sinner either. Is that clear too?

Write down any experiences that support:

- When you forgive someone, love and peace fill your heart.

Think of someone you're holding a grudge against, and repeat the following to yourself (or something similar, as you see fit):

- I forgive. All the joys of life are yours. You are free, and I am free too.
- I know you are good and lovable because everyone is good and lovable.
- My brother! I look at you through Christ's eyes, and I see in you my perfect sinlessness.

4.7. I have forgiven all groups, offices, and institutions.

On page 61, in the 3rd paragraph, the Big Book says:

"We listed our resentments. We wrote on a piece of paper the people, institutions, or principles we were angry with. We asked ourselves why we were angry with them."

So, I can add institutions and principles to my anger list. In fact, I *should* add them if I hold resentment towards them. And I *must* forgive them too.

I worked in public administration for a long time. I generally supported the work of the current governments and offices. As a result, I often harbored anger towards opposition parties and those who attacked the government's activities.

But I had to admit that my resentment did nothing to advance matters. The world wasn't going to get better because I was angry. However, my own life would certainly become more bitter. And, of course, I also had to acknowledge that in many cases, there was truth in what the other side said or did.

I generally consider myself to have liberal values. For this reason, I was often angry with conservative ways of thinking and people who held conservative views. But I had to admit that this too was just another worldview, like liberalism, socialism, or communism. None of them are inherently "better" than the others. I can't feel superior just because I hold certain views. There can be equally true or good elements in other people's worldviews. And there are!

For a long time, I was also angry with people who were uninformed and spread misconceptions. Or at least, I thought their views were misconceptions. I only thought this because I had certain beliefs about the topic, which didn’t align with theirs. But I had to acknowledge that just because someone thinks differently about a topic doesn't mean their view is necessarily wrong. And even if they are wrong, meaning I am right, that doesn't mean they are a bad person. And they aren’t!

Everyone is good!

Guide for the Step:

Write down (reflect on):

- Who are you angry at just because they have a different religion?
- Who are you angry at just because they have a different nationality?
- Who are you angry at just because they have a different gender identity or orientation?
- Who are you angry at just because they have a different worldview?
- Who are you angry at just because they have a different political affiliation?
- Who are you angry at just because they have a different lifestyle?
- Who are you angry at just because they are different?

Write down any experiences that support:

- Just because someone thinks differently, they can still be a good person.
- Even if someone isn’t "on our team," they can still be loved.

4.8. I started recognizing the negative emotions behind my bad feelings.

After completing my inventory of resentments and forgiving everyone, I continued with my moral (spiritual) inventory.
In the past, I had many discussions with my sponsor about why I drank.

These conversations helped me outline several phases of how my alcohol dependency developed:

1. At first, I drank to feel good or to avoid feeling bad. Incidentally, due to my alcohol sensitivity (alcoholism), alcohol had a very strong effect on me, instantly and significantly boosting my mood.
2. Then I drank because others were drinking, and I wanted to be part of the fun.
3. Later, I drank out of habit: after dinner, while walking the dog, before, during, and after work.
4. Finally, I drank because I had to. If I couldn’t drink when I needed to, I felt like I would die.

By the time I reached the 4th step in the Program, most of my dependencies had disappeared:

- The physical dependency was gone: I no longer *had* to drink!
- The habitual drinking stopped: I no longer automatically reached for a beer after dinner, and I could watch TV without drinking.
- My social dependency ended: I could go to social gatherings without drinking, and I no longer thought alcohol was necessary for fun.

But I still often felt bad. I realized that as long as I couldn't feel good without alcohol, my life was in danger. After all, I primarily used my "substance" to:

- Hide my negative feelings (so I wouldn’t feel bad)
- Induce positive feelings (so I would feel good)

But what caused me to have negative or positive feelings? What made me feel good or bad? My emotions and thoughts. So my sponsor suggested that I start working on my emotions. As a first step, I made an inventory of my most frequent emotional states.

I began. I looked into what emotions there even are. I re-read the questions on pages 51-52 of our *Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions* book. I delved into psychology (basic emotions) and religious ideas (seven deadly sins). I read various spiritual books. I found them helpful. Slowly, I began to understand where I stood on the (Hawkins) scale of emotions.

It turned out that shame, guilt, and self-pity had become rare for me since completing the first three steps. Resentment, anger, hatred, or the desire for revenge had also vanished, thanks to forgiving myself, my mother, all people, and all institutions in the previous steps.

Occasionally, I experienced emotions like sorrow, apathy, and melancholy. Sometimes, I noticed an unwarranted sense of pride. I often felt loneliness and a sense of isolation. Occasionally, I experienced longing for certain things. However, my entire life was essentially pervaded by fear and anxiety. And accordingly, I often experienced spiritual suffering. Fear is specifically addressed in the Big Book, so I dedicated a separate step-part to it.

Guide for the Step:

Write down (reflect on):

- Do you feel physical dependence on any substance?
- Do you have any addictive substance use or behavioral habits?
- Do you feel envious of those who can still “use”?
- Is there something missing that you think would make you truly happy?
- Do you sometimes feel shame? When was the last time you felt it?
- Do you sometimes feel guilt or remorse? In what situations?
- Do you sometimes feel apathy? When was the last time?
- Do you sometimes feel fear or anxiety? How do you manage your anxiety?
- Do you suffer from loneliness? Depression? What do you do when it happens?
- Do you sometimes feel strong desires for something? What are the main objects of your desires?
- Do you sometimes get angry? Who was the last person you were angry at, and why?
- How do you deal with pride? Is it ever unwarranted?

Write down any experiences that support:

- Negative emotions cause much suffering.

4.9. I made an inventory of my fears and anxieties (fear-list).

The Big Book says on page 64:

"We thoroughly examined our fears. We wrote them down on a piece of paper, even though we had no resentment toward them. We asked ourselves why these fears lived inside us."

So, let's see what I was afraid of at the time:

- Losing my job and not having enough money.
- Being kicked out of my apartment and ending up on the street.
- That my family and friends would abandon me.
- That I wouldn’t be able to live without alcohol.
- That unexpected things would happen.
- That I would never be happy again.
- That I would get sick and die.

These fears usually manifested in my thoughts as follows:

- What will happen to me now?
- What if I lose that too?
- What if they leave me as well?
- My future is completely hopeless.
- I will always owe something to others.
- What if things don't go as planned?
- What if I get sick?
- What if I die?

Then, on the same page of the Big Book, I also read the solution to my problems:

"Is there a better solution? We believe so. After all, we now stand on a different foundation: one of trust in God and reliance on Him. We trust in the infinite God, not in our finite selves. We are here to play the role He has assigned us. To the extent that we act and think according to His will and humbly trust in Him, to that extent will He enable us to find serenity even in misfortune."

So be it!

Guide for the step section:

Write down (or reflect on):

● What fears do you have? What are you afraid of?
● What thoughts surround these fears?
● Why do these fears live inside you?

Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:

● Relying on God's will removes our fears.
● Love and fear cannot coexist.

4.10. I began identifying the negative thoughts surrounding negative emotions.

To change my negative emotions, I had to change the thoughts that accompanied them. But first, I had to become aware of what thoughts were running through my mind when I experienced negative emotions. Here's what I concluded:

SHAME, HUMILIATION:

- I’m crazy.
- I’m a failure.
- I’m the bottom of society.
- It was a mistake that I was born.
- It would be best if I died.

GUILT, SELF-PITY:

- I’m guilty.
- I made myself sick.
- I ruined my surroundings.
- I harmed others.
- I really messed something up.
- I’m pathetic.

APATHY, DESPAIR:

- Why did I do such things?
- I’ve ruined my life.
- I’ve lost everything.
- I haven’t achieved anything.
- I have no more opportunities.
- Things didn’t go the way I wanted.
- I don’t know where I went wrong.
- My past is holding me back.

SADNESS, SORROW:

- I’m sad.
- No one understands me.
- No one loves me.
- I’m not important to anyone.
- I’m different from others.
- I’m lonely.

FEAR, ANXIETY:

- What will happen to me now?
- What if I lose that too?
- What if they leave me as well?
- My future is completely hopeless.
- I will always owe something to others.
- What if things don’t go as planned?
- What if I get sick?
- What if I die?

DESIRE:

- Now I’ll never get that.
- Now I’ll never be able to do that.
- I need one like that!
- I need to be understood.
- I need to be loved.
- I need to win!
- I need to be right.

ANGER:

- They mean me harm.
- They’re hurting me.
- Everyone is against me.
- I’ll show them!
- They’ll get what’s coming!
- Why aren’t they doing what they should?
- They should do what I say.

(UNJUSTIFIED) PRIDE:

- I’m proud of my achievements.
- They’ll come back to me!
- I’ll solve the problem!
- I’m better than others.
- I’m fine the way I am.
- I’m not going to change.
- I know better!

Guide for the step section:

Write down (or reflect on):

● What is the connection between emotions and thoughts?
● Are there recurring thought patterns that accompany certain emotions?
● What thoughts are associated with the emotions you discovered earlier (in step 4.8)?

Write down any experience that supports the idea that:

● Similar emotions are associated with similar thoughts, and vice versa.

To inventory your own thoughts, try the following questionnaire:

Tick off whether you sometimes think the following:

Levels of Consciousness

Characteristic Thoughts

Never  
Rarely  
Often  

1. SHAME Level  

● Feeling of humiliation  
● Process of exclusion  
● Miserable worldview  
● Contemptuous image of God  

- I feel terribly ashamed.
- This is so humiliating!
- Maybe I've gone mad.
- Life is miserable.
- I'm the lowest of society.
- I'm an animal!
- I don't belong among people.
- It was a mistake for me to be born.
- I feel wretched.
- It would be best to die!  

2. GUILT Level

● Feeling of reproach  
● Process of destruction  
● Evil worldview  
● Hateful image of God  

- I'm guilty.
- I've made myself sick.
- I've ruined my environment.
- I've harmed others.
- Is this God's punishment?
- Am I really that evil?
- I've seriously messed up something.
- I feel guilty.
- I might as well kill myself.
- Am I the one to blame?  

3. APATHY Level  

● Feeling of despair  
● Process of resignation  
● Hopeless worldview  
● Condemning image of God  

- I've ruined my life.
- I've lost everything.
- I've achieved nothing.
- There's no more opportunity for me.
- Things didn’t turn out how I wanted.
- I don’t know where I went wrong.
- I will never change.
- Nothing works out for me.
- I don’t know what to do.
- Even crap doesn’t care anymore.  

4. GRIEF Level  

● Feeling of regret  
● Process of discouragement  
● Tragic worldview  
● Patronizing image of God  

- I’m sad.
- No one understands me.
- No one loves me.
- I’m pitiful.
- I’m different from others.
- How could this have happened?
- I’m lonely.
- Things will never be good for me.
- I feel very down.  

5. FEAR Level  

● Feeling of anxiety  
● Process of withdrawal  
● Threatening worldview  
● Punishing image of God  

- Why did I do such things?
- What will happen to me now?
- I’m nervous!
- What if I get sick?
- My future is hopeless.
- I'll always be in debt to others.
- What if things don’t turn out right?
- It’s extremely important that they do!
- What if I lose them?
- What if I die?  

6. DESIRE Level  

● Feeling of longing  
● Process of submission  
● Disappointed worldview  
● Denying image of God  

- Suffering is inevitable.
- I’ll never get that now.
- I’ll never be able to do that now.
- I need one of those!
- I need people to understand me.
- I need to be loved.
- I must win!
- I must be right.
- I think I truly deserve that much.
- I know what I need.  

7. ANGER Level  

● Feeling of hatred  
● Process of aggression  
● Confrontational worldview  
● Vengeful image of God  

- They want to harm me.
- Everyone is against me.
- They’re trying to mess with me, but I won’t let them.
- I’ll show them!
- They’ll pay for this!
- I hate these kinds of idiots!
- Why don't they do what they should?
- They should do what I say.
- I’ll stand up for myself, no matter what.  

8. PRIDE Level  

● Feeling of disdain  
● Process of arrogance  
● Demanding worldview  
● Indifferent image of God  

- I’m proud of my achievements.
- Why don’t they start the forgiveness process?
- They wronged me.
- They'll come to me eventually!
- I’ll solve the problem!
- I’m better than others.
- I’m fine just the way I am.
- I won’t change anymore.
- I know better!
- I deserve that!  

9. COURAGE Level  

● Feeling of empowerment  
● Process of enablement  
● Achievable worldview  
● Permissive image of God  

- I’m sick, not broken.
- I’ve received grace from God.
- I accept the unacceptable!
- I have to live with what is.
- There is hope!
- I can become better!
- I can change if I want to.
- I can live a good life.
- I’m not afraid of the future.
- I have beautiful memories.  

10. NEUTRALITY Level  

● Feeling of trust  
● Process of release  
● Satisfying worldview  
● Empowering image of God  

- I trust in a higher power.
- There is God!
- God can restore the sanity of my mind.
- Maybe I can recover from my illnesses!
- Maybe my addictions can end.
- I can grow.
- God will help.
- Today is what matters.
- I feel better and better.
- Life can bring joy.  

11. WILLINGNESS Level  

● Feeling of optimism  
● Process of intention  
● Hopeful worldview  
● Inspiring image of God  

- I didn’t cause my illness.
- I can recover from my illnesses!
- My addictions can end.
- I can always start again if I change!
- God takes care of me, as long as I grow.
- I’m not afraid of change!
- I want to grow!
- I can be better!
- I must start the change today!  

12. ACCEPTANCE Level  

● Feeling of forgiveness  
● Process of transcendence  
● Harmonious worldview  
● Compassionate image of God  

- I don’t need to change others.
- I don’t need to solve the world’s problems!
- What I want is not the most important thing.
- I entrust my life to God.
- God doesn’t judge me.
- God loves and forgives me.
- God gives me peace and calm.
- Others are sick, too.
- Others are ignorant, too.
- I forgive everyone.  

13. REASON Level  

● Feeling of understanding  
● Process of detachment  
● Meaningful worldview  
● Wise image of God  

- No one wants to harm me.
- There are no secrets anywhere.
- There is no real loss in life.
- There is no eternal commitment.
- Everything is interconnected.
- Reality extends beyond the physical world.
- I don’t need to fear death.
- I’m not the same as my past.
- I’m not the same as my reactions.
- I don’t need to take a stance on anything.  

14. LOVE Level  

● Feeling of reverence  
● Process of revelation  
● Benevolent worldview  
● Loving image of God  

- Everyone is equal.
- Everyone is lovable.
- God is always present.
- I must walk the path of enlightenment.
- I don’t need others to understand me.
- I don’t need to be loved.
- I don’t need to be better.
- I am not the same as my body.
- I love, I forgive.
- I am grateful for everything.  

15. JOY Level  

● Feeling of cheerfulness  
● Process of glorification  
● Complete worldview  
● ONE image of God  

- God has given me everything.
- I can start a new life anytime.
- No one can have expectations of me anymore.
- I’m happy that God is with me.
- Everyone is perfect.
- I don’t need to be right.
- I am not the same as my feelings.
- I am not the same as my opinion.
- I am happy.
- I celebrate life.  

16. PEACE Level  

● Feeling of blessedness  
● Process of enlightenment  
● Perfect worldview  
● Omnipresent image of God  

- Everything is perfect.
- I live in peace with myself.
- I live in peace with others.
- Social expectations are not important.
- I’m accountable only to God.
- I have no need to want anything.
- I have no need to control my life.
- I have no problems.
- Past and future are not real, only the present.
- I am not the same as my thoughts.  

17. ENLIGHTENMENT

● Indescribable feeling  
● Process of pure consciousness  
● Existence worldview  
● Recognition of the self  
● Buddha perspective  
● Krishna consciousness  

- I am conscious.
- I live in the present.
- I AM.
- I walk my own path.
- I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
- I don’t need to do anything.
- Let YOUR will be done!
- Suffering is unnecessary.
- Death is not real.
- Only life exists.  

Now look at which sector has the most "Often" responses. That is your characteristic level of consciousness (according to Hawkins).  


4.11. I began to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones.

After becoming aware of the thoughts spinning in my head when I experience negative emotions, I tried to list the desired positive thoughts I would like to have instead. This method is also referred to as the Two-Column Technique in cognitive psychology. My list developed something like this (briefly here):

Shame, humiliation:

- Negative: "I am crazy. I am defective."
- Positive: "I am sick, but I have been granted grace."

Guilt, self-pity:

- Negative: "I made myself sick. I ruined my environment."
- Positive: "I did not cause my illness. I am not guilty."

Sorrow, apathy, despair:

- Negative: "I ruined my life. I’ve lost everything. I have no more chances. Things didn’t turn out the way I wanted."
- Positive: "There is no real loss in life. You can always start anew! What I want doesn’t matter. God is taking care of me."

Loneliness, isolation:

- Negative: "No one understands me. No one loves me. I am different from others. I am lonely."
- Positive: "There are companions who understand and love me. Everyone is lovable. Everyone is equal. I understand everyone."

Fear, anxiety:

- Negative: "Why did I do such things? What will happen to me now? My past is holding me back. My future is completely hopeless."
- Positive: "The past is gone. Nothing will happen in the future. Everything always happens in the present!"

Longing:

- Negative: "I’ll never get it now. I need to be loved. I must be right."
- Positive: "External things don’t make me happy. I don’t need to be right. What I need is to love others."

Anger:

- Negative: "They wish me harm. They are hurting me. I’ll show them! They should do what I say."
- Positive: "No one wishes me harm. Others are sick, crazy, ignorant too. Others can be good, smart, and lovable."

Unjustified pride:

- Negative: "I’m proud of my achievements. Why doesn’t the other person start with forgiveness? I will solve the problem!"
- Positive: "Only God deserves glory. There is no 'I,' no problem."

Following this, based on the AA principle of "Act as if," I began practicing these positive thoughts. Thanks to this programming, I started thinking them more often, and the negative thoughts less frequently.

Step-by-step guide:

Write down (or think about):

- Can every negative thought be replaced by something more positive?
- How could you substitute your negative thoughts with better ones?
- Could you apply this to every single bad thought? Would you try?
- Can positive thoughts be strengthened through practice?

Write down any experience that supports the idea that:

- Mastering any positive thing is only a matter of practice.

On 4/12, I started letting go of negative thinking patterns and attitudes.

In order to change my incorrect, self-centered thinking, I also created an attitude inventory based on the list of attitudes found in David R. Hawkins' book *Power vs. Force*. Here, I am sharing this list with you. The positive attitudes are in the green left column, and their negative counterparts are in the red right column.

(List of attitudes follows...)

From this inventory, it became clear that my main negative attitudes are the following:

- Combative  
- Tough  
- Competitive  
- Guilty  
- Pitying  
- Dependent  
- Obliged  
- Possessive  
- Law-abiding  

I looked up the positive counterparts of these traits and started practicing them regularly:

- I am honest, not just law-abiding!  
- I am peaceful, not combative!  
- I trust, not dependent!  
- I am compassionate, not pitying!  
- I am responsible, not guilty!  
- I am gentle, not tough!  
- I am grateful, not obliged!  
- I am determined, not competitive!  
- I am existing, not possessive!

Guidance for this step:

Write down (or reflect) on the following:

- Does a negative attitude more often lead to negative thoughts?  
- Can positive thinking help reduce negative thoughts?  
- Could you find the positive counterpart to your wrong attitudes? Would you try?  
- Can practicing a new mindset strengthen it?

Write down any experiences that support the following:

- Positive attitudes can help reduce negative emotions.

Create your own attitude inventory and start practicing (similar to this, with your own examples):

- I am peaceful, not combative!  
- I am determined, not competitive!  
- I am responsible, not guilty!  
- I trust, not dependent! etc.

4.13. I realized I am not my bad thoughts.

For a long time, I no longer identified with the emotions that arose in me. I didn’t think that when I felt fear or anger, it was a fundamental part of my being. It was simply an emotion that arose, causing bad feelings.

Then I began to realize that fear or anger were often triggered by bad thoughts in me. After this, I realized that I didn’t have to identify with these thoughts either, as they had no basis in reality. They merely arose in my mind because I was thinking wrongly, as my thinking was still self-centered.

As I began to let go of negative thinking and negative attitudes and started forming positive attitudes instead, the thoughts that emerged in my mind became increasingly positive.

The more I was able to live “just for today,” the more the thoughts of anxiety and depression disappeared. The more I was able to “live and let live,” without judging or labeling, the more the thoughts of anger and resentment vanished. The more I became a “grateful recoverer,” the more the thoughts of craving disappeared. The more I was able to forgive and love unconditionally, the more the thoughts of loneliness and isolation vanished.

Finally, I realized that it’s not the situations that make me unhappy, but (wrong) thoughts that do. As I became aware of this, I began to understand serenity, and I felt inner peace more and more often.

Guidance for this step:

Write down (or reflect) on the following:

- How essential is it to your true self that you feel good at any given moment?  
- Do bad feelings pass after a while—sometimes on their own?  
- How essential is it to your true self that you have certain emotions at any given time?  
- Are the emotions you felt recently forgettable?  
- How essential is it to your true self that certain thoughts are in your mind?  
- Can any thought be let go of at any time?  
- Can you choose different thoughts at any time?  
- Can the mind be completely emptied for a while?

Write down any experiences that support the following:

- Letting go of bad thoughts can lift your mood.  
- Emptying the mind can bring peace.

Try a “presence meditation”! Some sources:

- Mind control CDs  
- Béla Balogh (YouTube)  
- Buddha Brain (book + CD)

4.14. Self-check questions for Step 4

Before moving on to Step 5, do a bit of self-checking. Answer the following questions for yourself:

1. Do you think your character defects were solely caused by drinking?  
a) Do you think your character defects were solely caused by drug use? (NA)  
b) Do you think your character defects were solely caused by your illness? (EA)  
c) Do you think your character defects were solely caused by the world? (HT)  
2. Is it true that aside from drinking, you have no issues?  
a) Is it true that aside from drug use, you have no issues? (NA)  
b) Is it true that aside from emotional problems, you have no issues? (EA)  
c) Is it true that aside from your problems, you have no issues? (HT)  
3. Do you still think that others are responsible for your problems?  
4. Have you forgiven yourself yet?  
5. Do you still resent anyone in the world? Have you forgiven your mother yet?  
6. Do you hate those who think differently? Liberals or conservatives?  
7. And those who are different? Homosexuals, Roma, immigrants? And pedophiles?  
8. Are you angry at the Government? The previous Government? Any office or institution?  
9. Can you recognize the negative emotions behind your bad feelings?  
10. Can you identify the negative thoughts surrounding your negative emotions?  
11. Can you replace your negative thoughts with positive ones?  
12. Can you let go of negative thinking and attitudes?  
13. Have you realized yet that you are not your bad thoughts?

Brief explanations for the Step 4 self-check questions

1. Everyone has character defects, whether they use substances or not.  
2. If my problem is a meter long, 10 cm of that is the substance, and the remaining 90 cm is me.  
3. Everyone suffers from their own ego.  
4. There are no unforgivable sins, only mistakes that can be amended.  
5. Resentment only causes suffering to you.  
6. Just because someone thinks differently doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person.  
7. Just because someone is different doesn’t mean they aren’t lovable.  
8. The government is the government. We don’t have to deal with it.  
9. This is just a matter of practice...  
10. Keep practicing!  
11. Use the two-column CBT technique!  
12. Practice your new attitudes!  
13. Tell me: "Who are you?"