Step 5

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The Big Book writes in the chapter *Into Action*:

"We have completed our personal inventory—what should we do next? We have tried to adopt a new attitude, to form a new relationship with our Creator, and to uncover the obstacles in our path. We have admitted certain faults; we have roughly determined what is wrong; we have identified the weak points. Now, we must rid ourselves of our defects. The condition for this is that we admit our defects to God, to ourselves, and to another human being. This brings us to the Fifth Step of the recovery program described in the previous chapter."

In this regard, here is what I did first:

- I reviewed the materials of my first four steps again.
- I re-read the Fifth Step materials in the Big Book (pages 68-71).
- I studied the Fifth Step in the Step Book.
- I attended many meetings where the Fifth Step was discussed.
- I spoke a lot with my sponsor about the Fifth Step.

Finally:

5. I ADMITTED TO GOD, TO MYSELF, AND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF MY WRONGS

As part of this:

1. I became able to admit my wrongs to God.
2. I became able to admit my wrongs to myself.
3. I became able to admit my wrongs to my fellow human beings.
4. I realized that my wrongful actions were always driven by wrongful (negative) thoughts and emotions.
5. I realized that my wrongful thoughts and emotions stemmed from my incorrect attitudes.
6. I realized that the essence of my wrongs lies in my self-centered (ego-driven) way of thinking.
7. I shared the exact nature of my wrongs with my then sponsor as well.

Guidance for this Step:

As an introduction to step work:

- Review your materials from the first four steps once more!
- Re-read the Fifth Step material in the Big Book (pages 68-71)!
- Study the Fifth Step in the Step Book.
- Attend meetings where the Fifth Step is discussed!
- Talk to your sponsor about the Fifth Step.

5.1. I became able to admit my wrongs to God.

On page 57 of the *Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions* book, it says:

"Admitting our faults to another person is an ancient practice. Every age has sanctified it, and it is characteristic of truly spiritual and religious people. Nowadays, not only religion advocates this beneficial principle. Psychiatrists and psychologists recognize that every human being has a deeply rooted need to look inward, recognize the flaws in their personality, and discuss them with a trustworthy, understanding person. AA goes even further. Most of us claim that without admitting our faults to another person, we cannot stay sober. It seems evident that divine grace cannot sweep the obsession with drinking from us until we are willing to do this."

So once again, willingness is what I need to strengthen within myself. This, too, requires practice. It may not be a coincidence that every Catholic Mass begins with:

"I confess to Almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned greatly in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do."

I am not religious myself, but in Step 2, I came to believe, and in Step 3, I became willing to turn my will and life over to God. So now, I can try to share my wrongs (my defects) with Him as well.

For example, that I can sometimes be combative and too harsh with others instead of being gentle. That I am competitive and compare myself to others. That sometimes I feel guilty, even though I’ve only made a mistake. That I sometimes regret mistakes from the past. That I think too much about the future, which brings up fear, anxiety, and desire. That I sometimes resent others and then delay forgiving them. That I often feel pride when I do something better than others. That I tend to argue with others, even though I know this can disturb their peace of mind.

My God, I am willing to admit any wrong I have! May Your will be done, not mine!

Guidance for this Step:

Write down (or think about):

- Does God know about your wrongs?
- Have you ever hidden your wrongs from God?
- Can there be secrets kept from Him?
- Does God resent you because of your wrongs?
- Do you receive further punishments from God for your wrongs?

Write down any experiences you’ve had that support the idea that:

- Your wrongs already carry their own punishment within them.

Practice the following (or something similar):

- My God, I am willing to admit any wrong I have to You!

5.2. I became able to admit my wrongs to myself.

The Step Book states on page 56:

"If we realize how much our wrong thinking and actions have harmed us and others, the urge to break with the haunting temptations of the past grows stronger."

The greatest obstacle to this realization is self-deception. If I am not honest with myself and deceive myself into thinking that I am fine, and others are the problem, or I blame my wrongs on alcohol.

However, if I know that the ego comes up with all sorts of things to avoid facing my wrongs—or my ego-driven way of thinking—then I can start moving towards humility.

In Step 4, I had to work on my inventory thoroughly and courageously. Now, in Step 5, I strive to admit my wrongs honestly, even to myself. This does not mean self-flagellation: I am not a "sinful soul." I don’t need to pity myself because I have wrongs; instead, I need to understand my ego-driven thinking's hidden flaws as deeply as possible.

Honesty is very important. I must be honest about myself, to myself. Without this, I cannot be honest (about myself) with others.

However, honesty is only meant to be used concerning myself. This program is about me. Not others. The wrongs of others are not my concern!

Guidance for this Step:

Write down (or think about):

- What does honesty truly mean?
- Who do we need to be honest with first?
- Who do we need to be honest with concerning ourselves?
- What do we need to be honest about regarding ourselves?
- What types of wrongs do you (we) typically commit?
- What excuses do you find to avoid facing your wrongs?
- What efforts do you make to avoid confronting your ego?

Find some examples within yourself:

- Wrongful thoughts
- Improper speech or communication
- Wrongful actions
- Improper behavior
- Neglect

Write down any experiences you’ve had that support the idea that:

- It’s easier to deal with others' wrongs than our own.
- Focusing on others' wrongs does not promote inner peace.

5.3. I became able to admit my wrongs to my fellow human beings.

In the May 12 Daily Reflection, I read:

"Whatever has happened is already in the past. It cannot be changed.

But my attitude towards it can change if I discuss it with my sponsor and those who have walked this path before me. I may wish that the past would disappear, but if I change my reactions to my past actions, my mindset will also change. I don’t need to wish that the past had never happened. I can change my feelings and thoughts, but only through actions, with the help of my fellow alcoholics."

So, to change my mindset, I need to share my feelings and thoughts with my peers. I need to talk about my flawed thoughts with my sponsor, my fellow AA members, or even with other spiritual companions.

What helped me to talk openly about my flaws with others was realizing the following:

1. I am not guilty. Sometimes I think wrongly, and this leads to wrong actions. I am only responsible for what I think. But I can work on changing my mindset. I am responsible, not guilty.
2. My thoughts about the past are also flawed. I can change them by talking to others about them.
3. There are many benefits to sharing my flaws with others. Based on "sponsor" feedback:

   - My inventory becomes clearer
   - My sense of reality grows
   - Feelings of isolation and loneliness decrease
   - Ego diminishes, and humility grows

I think it's worth it!

Guide for this step:

Write down (or think about):

● Can we change our relationship with the past? Can you?
● Can we reassess the mistakes we made in the past? Can you?
● Do you want to change the feelings and thoughts associated with your mistakes?
● Can a sponsor or a spiritual companion help with this?

Write down any experience that supports:

● That "reporting" your mistakes has lightened your heart.
● That others’ different perspectives have helped you see your mistakes differently.

5.4. I noticed that my wrong actions are always driven by wrong (negative) thoughts and emotions.

In Step 4, I already made an inventory of those negative thoughts that accompany my low emotional states and usually trigger bad feelings in me.

For example, I feel resentment and anger in connection with the following thoughts:

- They wish me harm.
- They hurt me.
- They caused me damage.
- Everyone is against me.
- I'll show them!
- They’ll pay for this!
- Why aren't they doing what they should?
- They should do what I tell them.

These same resentful thoughts can lead to the following wrong actions:

- Withholding love, hating
- Cutting off communication, sulking
- Insulting, mocking, badmouthing, gossiping
- Physical attack, violent behavior

Or, for example, I usually experience fear and anxiety in connection with the following thoughts:

- Why did I do such things?
- What will happen to me now?
- I don’t feel well!
- My past is holding me back.
- My future is completely hopeless.
- I will always owe others.
- What if things don't turn out the way I expect?

These wrong (negative) thoughts can lead to me avoiding many actions that I should take to improve my everyday life. I become paralyzed and unable to act. This is also a form of wrong action. Moreover, constant anxiety can lead to the worst wrong action, relapse.

My wrong thoughts are usually not conscious; they just keep lurking in my mind subconsciously. That's why it’s important to become aware of them, as without this, I wouldn't be able to correct my wrong actions.

Guide for this step:

Write down (or think about):

● What are the thought patterns that cause most of your wrong actions?
● What emotions cluster around these thoughts?
● Do these thoughts and emotions always become conscious when you act?

Write some examples of:

● What mistakes have you made?
● What wrong thoughts were behind them?
● What emotions were associated with them?

5.5. I realized that my wrong thoughts and emotions stem from my wrong attitudes.

In Step 5, I try to admit the true nature of my mistakes. But what is the "true" nature of my mistakes? It’s not such a simple question…

When I believed in human willpower, I thought I made mistakes, committed wrong actions (like drinking again and getting drunk repeatedly), because I lacked willpower. Because you just have to want it, and things will happen the way you want them to. My environment reinforced this idea. They said things like, "See, others can do it. Why can’t you?"

Oh, how I hated that...

Thanks to the program, I now know that:
1. I am not in control; my will doesn’t count for much.
2. My actions are driven by my habits, not my will. Most of my decisions are made subconsciously.
3. I make mistakes because my thoughts are wrong. And this is true for both conscious and subconscious thoughts.
4. Finally, after reading the literature, I realized that all my wrong thoughts can be traced back to my wrong attitudes.

In Step 4, I already mentioned that I took inventory of my wrong attitudes, and it turned out that the following need improvement (in alphabetical order):

- Possessive
- Guilty
- Dependent
- Aggressive
- Hard
- Obligated
- Pitying
- Competitive

So when I admit my mistakes to God, myself, or my fellow humans, I must acknowledge these wrong attitudes, as they represent the true nature of my mistakes. They generate the wrong thoughts (whether conscious or subconscious) that lead to wrong actions.

Guide for this step:

Write down (or think about):

● Can willpower overcome our addictions and character defects?
● What bad habits do you have where willpower is ineffective?
● Can bad habits be changed through practice?
● What wrong attitudes do you have that cause you many bad thoughts?
● Can wrong attitudes be changed through practice?

Write down any experience that supports:

● When you approach something wrongly, nothing good comes of it.
● When you approach things correctly, there is a greater chance for progress.

5.6. I realized that the essence of my mistakes lies in my self-centered (ego-driven) thinking.

So, I was at the point in the inventory where I had a bunch of wrong attitudes (e.g., possessive, guilty, dependent, aggressive, hard, obligated, pitying, competitive, etc.) that still need improvement. But where do these wrong attitudes come from?

The Big Book says on page 61, paragraph 2:

"We considered our character defects that caused our failures. Becoming convinced that self-manifestations had defeated us, we considered their common manifestations."

Our 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book says on page 56, in the introduction to Step 5:

"All of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires… all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to long-term sobriety and peace of mind than this one."

So it always comes back to this: the ego causes my problems. My task is to recognize and let go of my ego. Of course, this is easier said than done.

For example, why would I think it's wrong to be tough? I hear it everywhere: Be tough! Be a man! Stand up for yourself! But I have to realize that only the ego wants this. God, on the other hand, would prefer me to be gentle—with others and with myself. Someone who is tough cannot be gentle. Now I want to be gentle rather than tough.

Or, for example, before taking Step 5, I didn’t think it was wrong to be combative. After all, life is all about fighting, competition, argument, victory, defeat, more fighting, falling behind in the race, competing again with others, convincing others, defeating others, etc., etc. But I had to realize that this is just what the ego wants. God, on the other hand, would prefer me to live in peace with myself and others. Someone who is combative cannot be peaceful. I, however, want to be peaceful rather than combative.

So, I continue to practice that I am not the center of the world...

No "me," no problem! - say the Buddhists. And they are so right...
Thy will be done, not mine! - say the alcoholics. And this is also so true...

Guide for this step:

Write down (or think about):

● What self-centered (ego-driven) traits do you have?
● How do these traits usually lead to problems in your life?
● How do these traits cause suffering for you?
● How does the ego try to justify that you need these traits?

Write down any experience that supports:

● Recognizing and letting go of the ego can lead to peace of mind.

Practice the following (or something similar):

● I am not the center of the world!
● No "me," no problem!
● Thy will be done, not mine!

5.7. I shared the true nature of my mistakes with my sponsor at the time.

Thanks to the previous steps, by the end of Step 5, I had completed my lists:

- Of my wrong actions
- Of the negative emotions surrounding my mistakes
- Of the wrong thoughts that accompanied these emotions
- Of the wrong attitudes that created these thoughts
- Of the self-centered (ego-driven) thinking that triggered these attitudes

The book *12 Steps and 12 Traditions* says on page 56:

"If we realize how much our wrong thinking and actions have harmed us and others, the need to break free from the tormenting ghosts of the past becomes more urgent. We must talk to someone about them."

But who should I talk to about them? Who should I show my lists to? Who should I honestly share the true nature of my mistakes with? Well, the answer presents itself: my sponsor.

However, there was only one problem: my sponsor during the first 4 steps was a woman from AA who lived on the same street as me, and we often talked on the way home from meetings. She gave me a lot of good advice and materials (movies, CDs, question lists) for the first 4 steps, but she said that for the 5th step, I should definitely do it with a male sponsor.

So, I asked a "teenage" companion of ours to be my new sponsor, and he said yes. I asked him to listen to my 5th step sharing about the true nature of my mistakes. He said that was fine. I went to him, and I made my honest admissions. He said it was very good for him too. But he couldn't give further advice or guidance because he hadn't even done the 4th step yet.

Well, that's how it went for me... But it was still useful to take this step. It reinforced my honesty and humility.

Guide for this step:

Make a list and report to your sponsor or a spiritual companion about:
 
- Your ego-driven traits
- Your improper attitudes
- Your faulty thoughts
- Your negative emotions
 
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5.8. Check-up Questions – for Step 5
 
Before moving on to Step 6, do a little self-check. Answer the following questions for yourself:
 
1. Are you willing to admit any of your mistakes to God?
2. Can you admit your mistakes to yourself?
3. Can you admit your mistakes to others?
4. Have you noticed that behind your faulty actions, there are always faulty (negative) thoughts and emotions?
5. Have you realized that your faulty thoughts and emotions stem from your improper attitudes?
6. Do you understand that the core of your mistakes lies in your self-centered (ego-driven) thinking?
7. Have you already reported the true nature of your mistakes to your sponsor?

Brief explanations of the Step 5 check-up questions:

1. God knows our mistakes better than we do. And He has already forgiven them long ago.
2. Honesty with ourselves is the foundation of our program.
3. Admitting our mistakes in front of others is an ancient spiritual practice.
4. Faulty thoughts or negative emotions usually lead to faulty actions.
5. Our attitudes greatly shape our thought life and emotions.
6. The ego is the source of all suffering.
7. The ego is the source of all our troubles. This is what we need to confess to our sponsor.