Step Book

[root]

Step Workbook - Step 9:

"We made direct amends to all those whom we could; except when to do so would injure them or others."

(excerpt) - I.

Good judgment, careful timing, courage, and thoughtfulness—these are the qualities we will need when it comes to Step Nine. Once we have completed our list of those we have harmed, we weigh each injury and strive to acquire the appropriate behavior regarding what comes next. It becomes clear that those who will require direct amends can be categorized into several groups. 

There will be some whom we must contact immediately once our confidence in the permanence of our sobriety is strengthened. There will also be those for whom we can only make partial amends if we want to avoid causing more harm than good with our unreserved openness.

In other cases, action can be postponed, and indeed, there are situations that by their nature make direct personal contact impossible.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 85.]

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Step Workbook - Step 9

(excerpt) - II.

Most of us begin making some kind of amends on the day we join A.A. The process starts as soon as we inform our families that we are trying to seriously follow the A.A. program. In this regard, doubts about timing or caution rarely arise. We want to make the good news known to everyone. Usually, after returning home from the first meeting, perhaps after finishing the reading of "Alcoholics Anonymous," we want to sit down with a family member and willingly admit the harm our drinking has caused.

Almost always, we go further and admit other mistakes that have made life difficult for others in our company. This behavior stands in stark contrast to our past conduct on hungover mornings when we typically alternated between self-deprecation and blaming our family (or anyone else). The first time, it is sufficient to admit our own shortcomings in broad terms. It is unwise to dredge up terrible details at this point. Sound judgment dictates that we allow some time for this process.

However, as we are willing to reveal the worst of ourselves, it is important to keep in mind that we cannot purchase our own peace of mind at the expense of others.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 85-86.]

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Step Workbook - Step 9

(excerpt) - III.

The procedure is roughly similar in the office or factory. Suddenly, we will remember people who knew about our drinking and those whom it affected the most. In these cases, it is advisable to exercise more discretion than with family. Perhaps it is best not to mention anything for a few weeks, or even longer.

First, we must ensure that we are on the A.A. path. Only then will we be ready to approach these individuals and explain what A.A. is and what we intend to achieve. Based on this, we can more freely acknowledge the harm we have caused and ask for forgiveness. We can offer or propose restitution to fulfill our financial or other obligations. This kind of discreet openness often meets with surprising generosity. Often, even our strictest and most justified judges may prove willing to meet us halfway on our first attempt.

The atmosphere of acknowledgment and praise that our behavior generates can sometimes have such an inspiring effect on us that it stirs an insatiable appetite for further similar experiences, disrupting our spiritual balance.

In the rare cases where the reception proves cold and suspicious, we may become inclined to argue or insist. We may feel discouraged and be overcome by pessimism. However, if we have sufficiently prepared ourselves, such reactions cannot divert us from our firmly determined goal. 

After these attempts at making amends, the feeling of relief may be so strong that we consider the task completed. We want to rest on our laurels. The temptation is strong to skip the remaining confrontations, which may be even more embarrassing or frightening. We often fabricate plausible excuses for completely avoiding these topics. We may simply postpone the matter, convincing ourselves of the timeliness of the confrontation, while missing many excellent opportunities to rectify serious grievances. Let’s not speak of moderation when we are actually procrastinating.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 86-87.]


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Step Workbook - Step 9

(excerpt) - IV.

As our confidence in our new way of life strengthens, and we begin to demonstrate with our exemplary behavior before our surroundings that we are indeed progressing in a positive direction, we usually feel safe to speak openly with those we have seriously harmed, including those who may not even have been aware of the damage done or had only a vague idea about it.

Only cases where the disclosure would cause further harm should be exceptions. The conversation may begin in a natural and easy tone. But even in the absence of such an opportunity, we will have to grapple with the matter sooner or later and lay our cards on the table without beating around the bush. It is not necessary to burden our victim with lengthy self-flagellation, but it is important that the amends always be direct and generous.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 87-88.]


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Step Workbook - Step 9

(excerpt) - V.

Only one type of possibility should stand in the way of our efforts to fully admit the harm or injury caused. There may be situations where full disclosure would cause serious harm to the individual to whom we are trying to make amends. Or, just as importantly, to others. For example, we cannot burden our unsuspecting spouse with the details of our extramarital adventures. In cases where such acknowledgment is unavoidable, we must avoid harming a third party, whoever they may be. Our burden does not become lighter by recklessly making others' crosses heavier.

Many sensitive questions may arise in other areas of our lives where similar moral considerations need to be weighed. Let’s assume that we have consumed large sums of money from our company, either through “borrowing” or falsified expense accounts. Let’s further assume that this will never come to light unless we disclose it. Should we immediately confess our irregular behavior, knowing that it could lead to immediate dismissal or the loss of future job opportunities? Should we be so rigid in our noble efforts at amends that the well-being of our family and home pays the price? Or should we rather consult with those whom our actions could severely impact?

Should we lay our dilemma before our sponsor or another spiritual advisor, sincerely seeking divine help and guidance—while resolving that as soon as we find the right solution, we will apply it, no matter the cost? Of course, there is no snappy answer that will definitively resolve these dilemmas. However, each of them requires a full willingness to practice amends as urgently and completely as possible under the given circumstances.

Above all, let’s ensure that our procrastination does not stem from fear. For the willingness to bear all the consequences of our past behavior, while simultaneously accepting responsibility for the well-being of others, embodies the true spirit of Step Nine.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 88-89.]