Narcotics Anonymous

[root]

NA - 9th Step

Ninth Step

"We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

In NA, we hear over and over that the steps were written for a reason: Each step provides the spiritual preparation we’ll need for the next steps. This is most evident in the Ninth Step. If we hadn't spiritually prepared ourselves in the previous steps, we wouldn't be able to sit down with the people we've harmed to make amends. If we hadn’t worked on admitting our limitations, we wouldn’t have laid the foundation for making amends. If we hadn't developed a relationship with a God of our understanding, we wouldn't have the necessary faith and trust for the Ninth Step. If we hadn't completed our Fourth and Fifth Steps, we might still not fully understand our own responsibility, and we might not even know why we need to make amends. If we hadn’t gained humility through the Sixth and Seventh Steps, we might approach making amends with arrogance or anger, causing even more harm. By accepting our personal responsibility, we’ve gained willingness, enabling us to write the Eighth Step list. That list was our practical preparation for working the Ninth Step.

NA - 9th Step - Chapter 9.1

9.1. PREPARATION

Before we actually make amends, preparing for the step, we reinforce what has mostly already become a part of us. When we’re able to practice the principle of forgiveness—consciously and deeply looking within ourselves—we become capable of making amends. This depends on the experience we’ve gained from working the previous steps and how much effort we're willing to put into our recovery.

- How have the previous eight steps prepared me to work on the Ninth Step?
- How does honesty help in this step?
- How does humility help in this step?

NA - 9th Step - Chapter 9.2.1

9.2. The Difficulty of Making Amends

9.2.1. ONGOING AMENDS

The Ninth Step isn’t a step we can just complete within a set period. It’s not about writing an Eighth Step list and then diligently crossing off each name as we make amends, like a shopping list. In fact, many of our amends will never be "done;" our efforts will continue throughout our entire recovery. For example, if we owe amends to our family, we will practice spiritual principles for the rest of our lives, bringing real change to our relationships. One day, we may have a conversation with our family about treating them differently than in the past, but that won’t be the end of our amends toward them. Every day that we strive not to hurt our family but to love them is another day that we continue making amends to them.

Even with relatively concrete amends, like paying off overdue debts, it’s unlikely that once we’ve repaid them, the amends are completely finished. In practicing the Ninth Step, we try to live in a way that prevents new debts we can’t repay from arising. On a deeper level, we may need to examine different forms of "borrowing" we’ve engaged in. For example, asking friends for favors we never returned or fully taking advantage of the patience of people with whom we shared responsibilities, without doing our part. Avoiding such situations in the future is as much a part of the amends process as paying off overdue debts.

- What does it mean to "make amends"?
- Why is it not enough to simply say, "I’m sorry" when making amends?
- How do making amends and committing to continuous change go hand in hand?


NA - 9th Step - Chapter 9.2.2

9.2.2. FUNDAMENTAL FEARS

Making amends isn’t always a nerve-wracking, joyless task. Sometimes, we may be excited with the hope of mending a relationship, or we may already anticipate the relief that making amends might bring. However, most of us will feel fear about certain amends. We might fear that making financial amends will leave us without enough for ourselves. We might fear rejection, retaliation, or something else.

If we haven’t had experience with the Ninth Step yet, we’re truly venturing into the unknown. We won’t know how we’ll feel before, during, or after making amends. At one moment, we may feel extremely confident, only to later feel incapable of continuing the Ninth Step. At these times, it’s crucial to understand that things may not be as our feelings suggest. Just because we feel fear doesn’t mean there’s something to be afraid of. On the other hand, our excitement and happiness about making amends may not reflect reality either. The best approach is to let go of any expectations about how our amends will be received.

- What fears do I have about making amends? Am I worried about rejection or retaliation?
- What level of commitment does the Ninth Step require from me toward the program?
- What about financial amends? Do I have faith in my Higher Power that my needs will be met while I make sacrifices to provide amends?


NA - 9th Step - Chapter 9.2.3

9.2.3. ADDITIONAL FEARS AND EXPECTATIONS

It doesn't matter how long we've been clean or how many times we've gone through the steps, it's almost inevitable that certain fears and expectations arise when starting a new step. This is especially true if we have prior experience working on a step. The Ninth Step is likely to stir up mixed feelings within us.

For instance, we might recall past experiences of making amends. A positive experience could involve making amends to a loved one who was open to the conversation. In such cases, we may have felt a wonderful sense of hope and gratitude. We hoped that our relationship would improve and were thankful for the forgiveness and acceptance of our amends. Believe it or not, such experiences can work against us in future amends. They can create the belief that every amend will go smoothly, and if it doesn't, we may feel crushed. Alternatively, we may not consider such outcomes typical and procrastinate out of fear when we're unsure of a positive result. If we find ourselves hesitating because we're projecting the outcomes of our amends, we need to refocus on the goal of the Ninth Step.

The Ninth Step is about finding ways to repair the harm caused in the past. Some of us keep in mind that three fundamental concepts are associated with amends: discovery, restoration, and compensation. Discovery means seeking the solution to the problem; we must identify what previously troubled or disturbed us. Restoration involves returning something that has been damaged to its prior state. This could be a relationship or an aspect of the relationship, like trust. Perhaps we try to restore our good name if we once had one. Compensation is very similar to restoration, but in the context of the Ninth Step, we might think of it as the act of returning something material or more abstract to its rightful owner. Our sponsor can help us explore each of these concepts so that we can benefit from the nature of amends and continue to focus on what we're doing.

Only through this process do we realize how much we gain from the Ninth Step. One of the first things we might experience is a sense of freedom, or the absence of guilt and shame. It may take some time in recovery and some experience with amends before we begin to appreciate the spiritual rewards of the Ninth Step: being more consistent and aware of others' feelings, understanding how our behavior affects others, experiencing the joy of healing a long-held pain, and developing the ability to be more loving and accepting of the people around us.

What other fears and expectations do I have about making amends?
Why doesn't it matter how many of my amends have been accepted? How does this relate to the goal of the Ninth Step?
How can I use other addicts, my sponsor, and my Higher Power as resources in this process?

NA - Ninth Step - Chapter 9.3.1

9.3 Planning Amends

9.3.1 Direct and Indirect Amends

In NA, we tend to think that the best way to make amends is directly, face-to-face. The step indeed says that we should do this where possible. But direct amends are not the only option, and in some cases, it may even be the worst one.

Before presenting some examples, it’s crucial to note that these are just examples. This guide does not replace the conversation between a sponsor and sponsee, where they work through each amend together to decide what's best.

Some situations are more complicated than they seem at first glance. We might think the solution is obvious, but it's always worth taking the time to think it through. For example, there are situations where the person or people involved are unaware of what we’ve done, and revealing it to them could cause more harm. Some friends, relatives, or our employer might not know about our addiction. If we reveal this to them, we could hurt them. Our sponsor helps us see why we want to share our addiction with these people. Do they need to know? What good purpose will this information serve? What harm could revealing it cause?

But what if the situation involves having stolen money from a friend? And what if someone has already accused us of stealing from them? Shouldn’t we talk about our addiction, admit the theft, and repay the money? Maybe, but maybe not. Every situation like this needs to be judged individually. Again, our sponsor helps us determine how to best handle these situations. If we are open, our discussions with our sponsor will surely help us consider these situations from a perspective we hadn't yet seen. While the amends may have seemed straightforward at first, it might no longer seem that way. Before talking to our sponsor, it's helpful to prepare for difficult amends by carefully considering the circumstances.

What are the names on my Eighth Step list associated with complex situations like the ones mentioned above? What were the specific circumstances?

NA - Ninth Step - Chapter 9.3.2

9.3.2 The Dangers of Amends

Many of us struggle with the problem that making the amends we owe could cause us to lose our job, go to jail, or face other serious consequences. For example, if we turn ourselves in for committing a crime, we may end up in jail. So, how will making amends impact our life? Could we lose our job? Would we endanger the safety of others, such as our family, along with ourselves? On the other hand, if we’re on the run from the law, what effect would a sudden arrest have on our life and our family’s life?

In such situations, it might be best to seek legal advice and weigh our options. Whatever happens, we must somehow accept the consequences of our actions. However, it’s important to remember that family plays a significant part in the step that says, “except when to do so would injure them or others.” These situations must be handled very cautiously. With our sponsor’s guidance, we’ll discover how to make amends.

Do I owe any amends that could have serious consequences? What are they?

NA - Ninth Step - Chapter 9.3.3

9.3.3 Other Difficulties with Amends

Even if we aren’t afraid of causing harm, we might still be unable to make direct amends if the person has passed away. This is very common in NA — so much so that members have developed various creative ways to handle such situations. They’ve made sure that such amends don’t just free us from our own shame.

Some members donate money in the name of the person they owed amends to. Some take on tasks that were important to the other person. Others make amends to the person’s children, who may have their own place on our Eighth Step list. Our imagination and willingness are the only limits to how we choose to make these amends.

We may be surprised by how effective an indirect amend can be in such cases. Many of us strive to make amends directly by visiting the person’s grave or another significant place, where we might read a letter or simply speak to the person or their spirit. In such cases, our responsibility will be guided by the nature of the harm, our beliefs, and, of course, the guidance of our sponsor.

Do I owe amends to anyone who has passed away? What was special about this person that I can use in planning my amend?

NA - Ninth Step - Chapter 9.3.4

9.3.4 Reflecting on Amends

Before making any amend, we emphasize that it’s essential to discuss it with our sponsor. While this is important, we don’t have to behave like mindless robots, afraid of ourselves or needing to ask our sponsor about every action. Many of us have experienced running into someone from our past who wasn’t on our Eighth Step list but clearly should have been. Sometimes, the amend is so clear that it would be foolish to miss such a lucky opportunity.

Other times, we may feel uncomfortable when we meet someone, but we don't know why. In such cases, to gain clarity, it's best to examine the relationship through the Fourth and Fifth Steps. The key is never to consider our Eighth Step list as “complete.” As life changes, we will constantly add new names to it.

What about the people I can’t find?

Should we offer indirect amends to them? Perhaps. Although many NA members have had the experience of unexpectedly meeting someone they thought they’d never find — often in places where they least expected it — these coincidences may signal that our Higher Power is at work. But if such a meeting doesn’t happen, we still can’t ignore the possibility of making direct amends.

If we can’t find someone on our amends list, it’s worth waiting. We should make every effort to find the person and be mindful of not causing similar pain or harm to others. It’s also essential to remain willing. The spirit of willingness often serves the amends we can’t make at the moment.

Once we grasp the complexity of indirect amends, direct amends may seem simpler, or at least more straightforward. We did something that harmed someone. We must apologize and repair the harm. That’s all, right?

Not quite. As mentioned earlier, amends have no beginning and no end. In a sense, many of us start making amends as soon as we get clean. In most cases, we make amends for our behavior immediately. This part of the amends process — where we change ourselves — has much farther-reaching effects than just a personal conversation with the person we harmed.

What behavior is necessary for making amends?

NA - Ninth Step - Chapter 9.3.5

9.3.5. PREPARING FOR DIFFICULT SITUATIONS

In direct amends, where we sit down with someone, admit, and take responsibility for the harm we’ve caused, are we prepared to accept their response? These amends might strike fear in our hearts. We imagine facing someone on our list, humbly and honestly admitting our wrongs, offering to make it right, only for them to say, “This cannot be fixed; what you did was too terrible,” or “Forget it, I will never forgive you.”

What we fear in this situation is that our belief in the process of making amends might be shattered. We are taking an incredible risk by trusting in ourselves, a Power greater than us, and the possibility of recovery. Our worst nightmare is that the damage cannot be repaired, that we are terrible people who are unforgivable. However, we can take comfort in knowing that many recovering addicts have faced negative reactions when making amends, yet they still experienced the same spiritual growth as they would have if their amends were met with love and forgiveness.

If our attempts to make amends are met with negativity, sometimes we need to take additional steps to feel like we’re progressing toward a solution. The Basic Text states that “it can be dangerous to approach someone whose pain from our past wrongs is still fresh.” This can be especially tricky with family members or close friends. People might react angrily if we approach them before they've had time to heal, but they might respond differently if we give them time. If we approached someone too soon, perhaps we can try again after a while.

Sometimes, no matter how prepared we are or how sincere our amends, the person simply won't accept them. In these cases, it’s important to recognize that our responsibility ends at a certain point. If someone decides to hold a grudge against us for life, we can wish them well and consider our amends made. If we struggle with the feelings that follow such situations, our sponsor can help us find peace.

In some cases, it might be better to offer indirect amends, and we might feel more complete by trying to make restitution in other ways. For example, if we are making amends to an employer we stole from, and they don’t want to hear from us or take the money, we might think of recommending their business to others or anonymously repaying the stolen money.

It’s important to remember that making amends is part of our personal recovery program. While we make amends because we owe them, we must also recognize the spiritual growth in the process. First, we acknowledge and accept the harm we caused. As it says in “It Works: How and Why,” “This takes us out of our self-obsession.” Since self-obsession and self-centered fear are the parts of our illness that most affect our spirituality, easing and reducing them will surely strengthen our recovery. Second, approaching someone we’ve directly harmed and admitting our wrong is a significant step in our spiritual journey, regardless of how our amends are received. The fact that we took on something that requires great humility shows that we’ve already achieved some level of humility. Finally, after making amends, we feel free. We are no longer burdened by something unresolved, and we no longer feel shame for the harm we caused. It’s behind us. Our spirit soars.

Am I spiritually prepared to make such difficult amends and deal with the results?
How am I preparing myself?

NA - Step 9 - Chapter 9.3.6


9.3.6. FORGIVENESS

The spiritual growth that comes from making direct amends often depends on how much we put into our spiritual preparation. We become tired of the things that cause hesitation or that might block us from approaching our amends with humility, acceptance, and faith.

For many of us, it’s challenging to owe amends to people who have also hurt us. To a parent or relative who abused us, a friend who let us down, an employer who treated us unfairly, and so on. In the previous steps, we worked hard to separate what they did to us and what we did to them. We know exactly what our part was in those situations and why we are making amends. As we prepare for direct, face-to-face amends, it’s important to clarify that we’re making amends for our part in the conflict. We’re not making amends to force or manipulate reciprocation.

It’s not our responsibility to clean up someone else’s mess. If we keep this in mind during our amends, we can stay focused on our purpose, no matter how our apology is received or whether we receive amends for the harm done to us. Sometimes it’s better to delay amends if someone has wronged us severely. For example, many of us were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused by an older family member.

While we weren’t at fault in that situation and therefore don’t owe amends for it, we might have later stolen money from that person or caused other physical or material damage. In such cases, the question isn’t whether we owe amends but when and how. It may take time to prepare ourselves to make amends in the right way, and that’s okay. We wait and work with our sponsor.

Before making amends, we should try to forgive those who harmed us. We don’t want to sit down with someone we’re still angry with and attempt to make amends. Our attitude will show, no matter how hard we try to hide it. The “fake it till you make it” attitude won’t work when it comes to making amends.

There’s a big difference between being harmed against our will and contributing to the way we were treated through our behavior. When we’re angry at someone’s behavior, in many cases, we need to ask ourselves whether we did something to provoke how they treated us. For example, we might get angry if our parents don’t trust us when we plan to go to an NA event for the weekend. But if we think about how many times we lied about where we were going to hide our drug use, it might help us see that our parents need more time to trust us and are still suspicious of us. Or we might have been selfish and taken advantage of some friends for a long time, then when we needed them and they weren’t available, we got angry and hurt. Reminding ourselves that we caused much of our unhappiness may help us forgive those who hurt us.

Another way to forgive those who hurt us is by stepping outside ourselves and considering their lives. Maybe someone hurt us because their own problems made them less sensitive to others’ needs. Perhaps our sponsor didn’t return our call for a week because their youngest child was in jail. Maybe our best friend had to end our relationship immediately after their own divorce, believing it was unhealthy. Maybe our employer didn’t praise our work because they were worried about making payroll that week.

Usually, we feel petty and small when we discover that someone we resented had a painful problem of their own. We may become more forgiving and loving if, from the start, we assume that most people have good intentions and that if someone is unfriendly toward us, they might be going through a tough time. The first and most important step in spiritually preparing for amends is connecting with the power and love of our Higher Power.

When we hurt others, the loving forgiveness of a Higher Power helps us approach people with love and forgiveness. If we use our Higher Power as a protective force during our amends, we won’t lose hope even in the face of negative reactions. We can focus inwardly through prayer and meditation before each amends.

Do I owe amends to people who hurt me?
Have I forgiven them? Who have I not forgiven yet?

Have I tried all of the things described above to spiritually experience forgiveness? What does my sponsor say about this?

NA - Step 9 - Chapter 9.4.1

9.4. Making Amends

Now we are ready to make amends. We have discussed all the people and institutions on our Eighth Step list with our sponsor and have created a plan for how we will make our amends. We have talked to our Higher Power as we understand it and prayed for willingness, peace, courage, and wisdom to make our amends.

9.4.1. MAKING AMENDS

Now we must take action. We need to continue improving our behavior and follow through with the amends we’ve planned for the people on our list. This is when things may start getting complicated. When we first make amends, most of us feel like we’re soaring on the clouds of freedom. Our self-esteem rises, and we experience a sense of euphoria because we’ve shed a great deal of guilt. We feel like good people, as if we’re equals with the rest of humanity. This feeling is powerful, and if we’re experiencing it for the first time, it can even feel overwhelming.

However, there is no need to worry. The intensity of this feeling will subside, although our self-image will certainly shift. When the novelty of making amends fades, that’s when the real test begins: following through. For example, if we want to repay a loan to an institution and promise monthly payments, we may not always find it "spiritually uplifting" to part with our hard-earned money, especially if the payments will continue for years. Asking ourselves a simple question might help: To what extent do I want to feel free? As we continue our recovery, including making amends, we will feel freer day by day.

Are there any amends I find difficult to complete? What am I doing to recommit to making these amends?
Making amends is not necessarily comforting or easy. The steps are not designed to make us feel happy and comfortable at the expense of growth. Fear, risk, and vulnerability in making amends can be so uncomfortable that they might stop us from repeating the same mistakes and having to apologize again.

We often hear in NA that “it gets better.” What we mean is that we get better. We become better people. We become less inclined to engage in destructive behaviors because we understand the cost of human suffering—ours and others’. Instead of self-centeredness, we start to care about others and their well-being. Where we once felt indifferent, we begin to care. Where we were selfish, we become selfless. Where we held onto anger, we begin to forgive.

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9.4.2. MAKING AMENDS TO OURSELVES

Our love and tolerance extend to ourselves, too. In the Eighth Step, we began to explore some aspects of making amends to ourselves; now it's time to recognize that we’ve already started this process and perhaps plan how to continue or explore new ways to make amends to ourselves. We started making amends to ourselves when we stopped using drugs and began working the steps. These two actions alone provide tremendous healing for our souls. We may still need to do additional work to repair the damage caused to our bodies and minds.

There are many ways to start caring for our health, from exercise and diet to medical treatments. Whatever we choose, it's important that it meets our personal expectations and needs. Some of the damage to our minds can be healed by seeking knowledge in the future. Reversing years of mental decline can be aided by returning to school or simply learning something new.

What are my plans for making amends to myself at this point?
Do I have long-term plans that could fit into the "making amends to myself" category? What are they?
What can I do to ensure I follow through with these plans?


9.5. Spiritual Principles

In the Ninth Step, we will focus on humility, love, and forgiveness.

9.5.1. HUMILITY

The humility we gain in this step comes from examining the harm we caused others and taking responsibility for it. We admit to ourselves, "Yes, I did that. I am responsible for the harm and for repairing it." This awareness guides us when someone tearfully tells us how we hurt them. We may find ourselves standing on the side of the injured party, deeply understanding how we have hurt people. As we add the experience of making amends to our previous steps, we grow in humility.

Have I accepted responsibility for the harm I caused and for making amends?
What experiences have helped me gain a clearer understanding of the harm I caused? How has this contributed to increased humility?

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9.5.2. LOVE

We’ve practiced love throughout our recovery, but in the Ninth Step, the spiritual principle of love becomes easier to apply. By now, we’ve rid ourselves of some of the destructive mindsets and feelings, creating space for love in our lives.

As we fill up with love, we find ourselves wanting to share it by nurturing relationships, building new ones, and selflessly sharing our recovery, time, resources, and everything else.

How do I give of myself or serve others?

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9.5.3. FORGIVENESS

As we experience what it feels like to be forgiven, we extend forgiveness to others. This motivates us to practice the spiritual principle of forgiveness as much as possible. We recognize that being human gives us the ability to forgive others and to judge less than we did in the past. Granting people the benefit of the doubt becomes second nature to us. We no longer have to be suspicious or concoct conspiracy theories about situations we can't fully control. We know that we generally mean well, and we assume the same of others. When we are hurt, we understand that holding onto resentment only undermines our own peace, so we try to forgive as soon as possible.

What are the benefits for me when I practice the principle of forgiveness? In what situations can I apply this principle?  
What have I forgiven myself for?

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9.6. MOVING FORWARD

Many of us have found it helpful to reflect on the amends we have made. Some of us write about how it felt to make amends and what we learned from it.

How did it feel to make amends? What did I learn from it?

The word "freedom" best describes the essence of the Ninth Step. It sums up the release from guilt and shame, the easing of our self-obsession, and the ability to correctly judge the events happening to and around us. We become less consumed by ourselves, and we are able to give more in our relationships.

We become capable of being in a crowded room without needing to dominate every conversation or control every situation. We start to view our past, especially our addiction—which once seemed like a dark period we wanted to forget—as a treasure trove of experience that we can share with those we want to help in their recovery. We stop thinking about what is still missing from our lives and begin appreciating the gifts we receive every day. We know that to maintain the feeling of freedom, we must continually apply what we've learned from the previous steps. The Tenth Step will be our tool for doing so.