Csaba

[root]

(Excerpt) - 3.0.

If you have come with me, you have already done a great deal of work. But the best is still ahead of us. Therefore, I would like to share with you how I took Step 3:

- I read Chapter 4 of the Big Book (We, the Doubters) once again.
- I repeatedly went through Step 3 described on pages 57-60 of the Big Book.
- I read Step 3 in our book, 12/12 (pages 35-42).
- I talked a lot with my sponsor about matters related to God.
- I listened at meetings to what others said about their own God.
- I engaged a bit with the worldview and concept of God of various religions.

In the end:

3. I DECIDED TO ENTRUST MY WILL AND MY LIFE TO THE CARE OF GOD AS I UNDERSTAND HIM.

As part of this:

1. I accepted the world created by God as it is.
2. I believed that God knows better what is good for me than I do.
3. I became willing to subordinate my will to God’s will.
4. I became willing to entrust the shaping of my life to God (as I understand Him).
5. I recognized that I cannot change the world.
6. I recognized that I cannot change others.
7. I recognized that I can only change my own way of thinking.
8. I also recognized that this is all I need.
9. I became grateful to God for this. I became grateful for everything.

In the coming days, I will elaborate a bit on this list.

Csaba - Step 3  

(Excerpt) - 3.1.  

3.1. I ACCEPTED THE WORLD CREATED BY GOD AS IT IS.

Our book, *The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions*, states on page 41: "The other Steps of the AA program can only be successfully practiced if we earnestly and persistently try the Third Step."  
Well, then let’s get started! But how? I did it gradually. First, I refreshed my previous steps a bit.  
In Step 1, I already admitted that I am not in control, that I am not the Great Director, that the Creator is certainly not me, but there may be greater forces than me. I began practicing living in the present day. I started to practice accepting the present moment as it is.  
In Step 2, I became willing to think that there are indeed Higher Powers that can help me in my spiritual development. I began to think about what my God might be like.  

At the beginning of my Step 3, I started practicing accepting the world as God created it. After all, God probably did not create a bad world. Therefore:

1. I decided to stop thinking thoughts about why the world is bad. I need to stop the judgments, the complaints, and the dramatizations. I started programming myself (I wrote on little yellow notes on my monitor) that:

   - I will not judge!  
   - I will not evaluate!  
   - I will not label!  
   - I will not dramatize!  

2. I began searching in the world for those things, events, and phenomena that prove that the world is good. I started looking for good qualities in people. I increasingly asked myself when a certain action, event, or person upset me:

   - What is good about this?  
   - Why did I receive this experience from God?  
   - What might be the message here?  
   - How could I handle this situation with gratitude?  



Guide for Step 3.1:  

3.1. I accept the world created by God as it is.  

Write down (or reflect on):

- Did you permanently accept your life’s uncontrollability in Step 1?  
- How do you practice living in the present day? Is it going well?  
- Is accepting the present moment as it is working for you?  
- In Step 2, did you become willing to think that a Higher Power may exist?  
- Have you started thinking about what your God might be like?  
- Do you tend to judge or dramatize life situations?  
- Do you label or judge people?

Think of a situation that recently upset you. Try to consider:

- What might have been good about it?  
- Why did you receive this experience from God?  
- What could be the “message” in it?  
- Would you be able to look back on the events with gratitude now?  

Csaba - Step 3  

(Excerpt) - 3.2.  

3.2. I BELIEVED THAT GOD KNOWS BETTER WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME THAN I DO.

While reflecting on the affairs of the world (and working on Step 3), I realized that I cannot understand the Universe (especially the “whys”) because I am a part of it. Moreover, I am a very small part.

What arrogance it was for me to think earlier that I needed to know why things happen. Or that I know what is good about everything. That I think this should be this way, and that should be that way, and then it would be good. Especially for me!  
That I can distinguish the good from the bad in everything. [See also: the tree of the knowledge of good and evil – i.e., the Original Sin!] And how much I suffered because of it. [See also: Expulsion from Paradise!]

So, I decided to try not to think about causes, effects, and “whys,” since everything is interconnected, meaning I would need to know everything about everything to understand things. This is not going to happen.  
Of course, there are those who know everything about everything, so they also know better what is good for me, what I need. That is nothing other than God. I began to hope that I could find Him as soon as possible.

But how? This will be the subject of my next entries...


3.2. I believe that God knows better what is good for me than I do.  
Write down (or reflect on):

- Do you usually receive satisfactory answers to your “why” questions?  
- Is it necessary for you to always know why things happen?  
- Does every occurrence have a single cause? Or more? How many more?  
- Is it your role to determine what is good and what is bad in the world?  
- Do you suffer because you think this is your responsibility?  
- Can you always decide for yourself what would be good for you?  
- Write down any experience that supports the idea that God knows better what is good (for you or anyone else).  

Csaba - Step 3  

(Excerpt) - 3.3.  

3.3. I BECAME WILLING TO SUBORDINATE MY WILL TO GOD’S WILL.

"Selfishness – self-centeredness! We believe this is the root of all our troubles." - Our Big Book states in the first paragraph on page 59. It continues: "For us alcoholics, we must first get rid of egocentrism! We must, or it will destroy us. God enables the release. Often we don’t even see a way to get rid of egocentrism without God’s help."  
I have two tasks related to this. I MUST BECOME WILLING TO:

1. Recognize the ego  
2. Let go of the ego  

So I started trying to recognize the ego, the egocentrism, the self-centered thinking in myself. How?  
I began to pay attention to my feelings, my emotions, and my thoughts.

I tried to detach myself from my thoughts and find the “I” in them (“but I…”, “why me…”, “I will…”, “poor me…”, etc.).  
I observed the emergence of thoughts like “I am like this – I am like that,” “it should be this way – it should be that way,” “I need this – I need that,” and the feelings they evoke.

I began to reflect on what I “want” in life, in the world, and how much of the plans behind that is driven by the ego.

How did I try to let go of the ego and surrender my will to God (after putting the “key of willingness in the lock”)? Through programming:

1. I realized that "the success of the entire program really depends on how well and seriously I try to reach the decision to entrust my will – as I understand it – to God’s care."  
2. I wrote out the Step 3 prayer for myself and read it countless times, analyzing it:  
   "God, I offer myself to You – mold me as You will, and do with me what You want. Free me from the shackles of myself so that I can better follow Your will. Remove my troubles so that the victory over them may testify to Your Power, Your Love, and the life according to Your will before those I help. May I always fulfill Your will!"  
3. I reinforced the thought that "the more willing we are to depend on a Higher Power, the more independent we actually become. Thus, the dependency practiced by AA is truly a tool for achieving real spiritual independence. Dependency on the AA group or the Higher Power has never led to harmful consequences."  
4. I recognized that "I use my will correctly when I align it with God’s will."  
5. At the end of AA meetings, when we said the Serenity Prayer, I always added (and I still add today): "Thy will be done, not mine!"  


Guide for Step 3.3:

3.3. I become willing to subordinate my will to God’s will.  

Write down (think about) the following:

- What egocentric (self-centered) emotions exist?
- Which of these have you experienced in yourself?
- What egocentric (self-centered) thoughts usually arise in your mind?
- What egocentric (self-centered) needs do you have towards your fellow humans?
- What do you "want" to achieve, realize, obtain, or control lately?
- Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:
- The more willing you are to depend on a Higher Power, the more independent you become.
- You use your will correctly when you align it with God’s will.

Practice the following (or something similar):  

“God! Let Your will be done, not mine!”

Csaba - Step 3  

(excerpt) - 3.4.  

3.4. I have become willing to trust God with the shaping of my life (as I understand it).  

After I decided that “from now on, God will be the director in the play of my life, He is the boss, and I am the subordinate,” I began to think about what my "own" God is like. What characteristics could make it worthwhile to entrust my life to His providence? Alongside AA literature, I read many other spiritual writings (Bhagavad Gita, Buddha’s discourses, the New Testament, Tolle, Hawkins, etc.) and came to the following conclusions:

My God:

- Is always present, always with me.
- Does not judge me.
- Provides me with everything I need.
- Loves me.
- Forgives me.
- Radiates joy and happiness upon me.
- Offers me peace.
- Shows me the way.

This image of God began to form within me. The later steps reinforced this. These thoughts formed the basis of the spiritual principles that I continue to try to apply in every manifestation of my life to this day.



Guide for Step 3.4:

3.4. I become willing to trust God with the shaping of my life (as I understand it).  

Write down (think about) the following:

- What is the image of God in your parents' (religion)?
- What kind of God do people generally envision?
- Can we shape our image of God?
- What kind of God would you like to envision for yourself?
- Does our worldview depend on what kind of God we envision?
- If you wanted, could you completely trust God with the shaping of your life?
- Do you want this? Or would you like to want it?

Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:
- Trusting in God as we conceive Him is not an impossible endeavor.
- Trusting in God is merely a matter of willingness.

Csaba - Step 3  

(excerpt) - 3.5.  

3.5. I have recognized that I cannot change the world. And I also realize that this is not necessary.  

When I read Step 3 in our book “12 Steps and 12 Traditions,” I realized that the “prayer for serenity” I often heard at meetings is related to this step. The text of the step concludes on page 42 with:  

“In the midst of our emotional turmoil or indecision, we can pause, seek peace, and say in the quiet solitude of our souls: ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will be done, not mine.’”

I reflected on the prayer a lot. What is it that I can generally change? What is it that I cannot? A big question is how much I can change—if it’s even necessary—about things outside of myself:

- The nature of the present moment (what is).
- The physical reality (for example, the weather).
- The economic situation (for example, the minimum wage).
- The social relationships (for example, racism).
- The politics (for example, the government).
- The ideologies (for example, religious beliefs).

And by the way, why should I even be concerned with changing these things? To what extent is it my task to change the world outside of me? After all, I am not the Creator, nor am I the Great Organizer. I am just working on entrusting my will and life to Providence. So, what’s with the grand intention of being a “world-changer”?

While discussing this topic with my AA companions, I realized that it is the ego that wants to shape the world according to its goals. The ego is the one who wants to know the future. The “self-centered way of thinking” looks out from my head and believes that the world should be changed in order for its own life to be better.  
As I read through our Big Book, the idea solidified within me that my task is not to change the world, but to achieve sobriety and to help other alcoholics.

While flipping through our book “12 Steps and 12 Traditions,” I found no reference suggesting that I should work to change the world. Later, I read a lot of other spiritual literature (the Bible, Buddha, Tolle, Hawkins, etc.), and they all confirmed what I had already read in the Big Book:  

I cannot change the world, and it is not necessary to do so.

Guide for Step 3.5:

3.5. I recognize that I cannot change the world. And I also realize that this is not necessary.  

Write down (think about) the following:

- What are the things in the world that need to be changed?
- What is your opinion about the weather?
- What is your opinion about the economic situation?
- What is your opinion about politics? About the government?
- Why should these things be changed? Who would benefit from it?
- How could changes be made to these things?
- Which of these things can you change yourself?
- What successes have you achieved in this area?
- What are the things in the world that you cannot change at all?

Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:

- You cannot change the world.
- And it is not necessary.

Csaba - Step 3  

(excerpt) - 3.6.  

3.6. I have recognized that I cannot change others. And I also realize that this is not necessary.  


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;" - thus begins the prayer for serenity. I have come to realize that it always leads to disappointment if I expect the world to change in the way I imagine. Moreover, changing the world is not my job. I entrust that to God.  
But what about human relationships? Can I change other people? Can I expect any "reasonable" behavior, mindset, actions, or communication from others? Well, I realized in Step 1 that I have no power over them. But maybe I can influence them a little? Of course, only in their best interest!

Well, in Step 3, I definitively decided that I cannot have expectations of others, and I will practice this in the future. I found two compelling reasons why I should NOT have expectations of others:

1. My intervention is not necessary:  

I cannot dictate to anyone. Except, of course, if I am their boss, and the person signed it in their employment contract. But otherwise, who is the Boss here? Well, I've already made an agreement with myself about who the Big Boss is. The one who directs everyone. Me too. Others too. There is no need for my influence here. And this should hold true for all my relationships. For my AA companions too. For my parents and my children too. For my partner too...

2. My intervention is not possible:  

No one willingly accepts being controlled by others. I have been observing "people" for a long time, and I can say: no one does what I tell them they should do! Almost never. Under any circumstances. And very often, they do exactly what I told them not to do.

So, if I continue to have expectations, they will surely lead to disappointment, and disappointment (frustration) leads to suffering. And I don’t want to suffer. It was good when I came to AA, but now I’m working on feeling good without alcohol. Suffering is unnecessary. Frustration should therefore be avoided. I have no need for expectations.

Controlling others is neither necessary nor possible...

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Guide for Step 3.6:  

3.6. I recognize that I cannot change others. And I also recognize that it is not necessary.  

Write down (think about) the following:

- Who are the people you think should change?  
- Why should they change? Who would benefit from it?  
- How could they change?  
- Who are the people you can change, and who are the ones you cannot?  
- How have you tried to change others so far?  
- Have you experienced disappointment, frustration, or suffering in the process?

Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:

- You cannot change others.  
- And it is not necessary.

Csaba - Step 3  

(excerpt) - 3.7.  

3.7. I RECOGNIZED THAT I CAN ONLY CHANGE MY OWN WAY OF THINKING.

By analyzing the prayer for serenity, I concluded that I cannot change the world. And I cannot change others. And that it is not necessary since God is the Director. So what can I do to have less suffering in my life? To be a recovering alcoholic?  
Maybe I need to change? Maybe yes...

"Selfishness – self-centeredness! We think this is the root of all our problems. [...] We thus believe that we cause our troubles ourselves; they stem from us. The alcoholic is the most extreme example of unrestrained stubbornness, although he usually does not see it that way. We alcoholics must primarily free ourselves from egocentrism! We have to, or else it will finish us off." - writes the Big Book on page 59.  
Clear words. But how do I change? I have worked a lot on this. I have closely observed my companions to extract useful insights from their shares about how they managed to change.  

I have read a lot in our literature on this topic. I have had many discussions with my sponsor about the ego, spirituality, faith, the spiritual ego, and similar things. Eventually, the following process took shape in my mind:

1. How can I change my behavior?  

I need to change my habits. Our actions are not "will-driven," but "habit-driven." This was even mentioned in psychology class. The subconscious is a powerful lord, but it can be reprogrammed.

2. How can I change my habits?  

I need to change my feelings and thoughts. Somehow, I need to let go of negativity. I need to allow positivity into my life.

3. But how can I achieve that there are more positive feelings and thoughts in me?  

I need to change my attitude and mindset! I need to change my self-centered way of thinking. The way I think. I need to strive for spiritual growth. I must free myself from egocentrism. It is a matter of existence!!!

4. But how is this possible?  

"Only with God's help!"  
Courage and willingness!

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Guide for Step 3.7:  

3.7. I recognize that I can only change my own way of thinking.  

Write down (think about) the following:

- How can someone change their behavior? And your own?  
- How can someone change their habits? And your own?  
- How can someone improve their way of thinking? And your own?  
- How can one rid themselves of egocentrism?

Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:

- Changing your attitude can bring change to your life.

Csaba - Step 3  

(excerpt) - 3.8.  

3.8. I RECOGNIZED THAT I ONLY NEED SPIRITUAL GROWTH.

So, about my self-centered way of thinking (the ego), I have realized that:

1. I can change it:  

With God's help, it becomes possible for me to let go of negativity and allow His will into my life.

2. I can only change this:  

I cannot directly change the affairs of the world. But if I change, the world will also change. If I change my way of thinking, my perception of the world will also change. I cannot directly change my fellow humans, but if I change my attitude, they will also change their attitude.

3. I need to change it:  

This is the root of all my troubles. The ego causes all negative feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Shame, guilt, self-pity, fear, disappointments, judgment, expectations, stubbornness. I MUST free myself from these; otherwise, they can lead me back to drinking. This is a matter of existence. Therefore, I must continue to take the steps to rid myself of egocentrism (Steps 4-7).

4. What else do I need?  

- Money? Sure, but it has nothing to do with sobriety. The amount of money I had when I was drinking is mainly enough for when I am not drinking.  
- Relationships? Love? I receive that in AA. Repairing my "external" human relationships will come in Steps 8-9. Before that, I need to sort myself out. I need to learn to love myself. But in AA, I feel that they genuinely believe that they "love me until I learn to love myself."

And I am starting to believe that God provides me with everything I need. The more I think about it, the more I feel that way...

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Guide for Step 3.8:  

3.8. I recognize that I only need to change my attitude (spiritual growth).  

Write down (think about) the following:

- Can you change your attitude (towards the world)?  
- Can you change other things too?  
- Do you need to change your attitude?  
- Do you need to change other things?  
- What else do you need besides spiritual growth?

Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:

- Spiritual growth solves every problem.

Csaba - Step 3  

(excerpt) - 3.9.  

3.9. I HAVE BECOME GRATEFUL TO GOD FOR THESE INSIGHTS. I AM GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING.

The two most important aspects of Step 3 for me were:

1. I became willing to trust God with the course of my life.  
2. I recognized that I only need to change my own (egocentric) way of thinking.

This was my part. I had to take this step. I am grateful that I only had to do this much. I receive everything else – and I have already received – from God. And I am grateful for that. I have also started practicing a gratitude prayer that I found in our Daily Reflections book:

God!

- I am grateful that I am alive.  
- I am grateful that I do not have to drink.  
- I am grateful that I found AA.  
- I am grateful that I can spiritually grow through the 12 steps.

I recite this prayer to myself whenever I remember it. Especially when I feel grateful for anything. And I am increasingly noticing things around me that I can be grateful for.

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Guide for Step 3.9:  

3.9. I become grateful to God for these insights. I will be grateful for everything.  

Write down (think about) whether you can be grateful for:

- That you are alive?  
- That you do not have to drink?  
- That you found AA?  
- That you can spiritually grow through the 12 Steps?  

Write down any experience you have that supports the idea that:

- Gratitude is a voluntarily chosen attitude.  
- You can always find things to be grateful for.  
- Gratitude dispels gloom and depression.  

In the evenings, write a gratitude list and read it a few times:  
God! I am grateful for:

- a...  
- b...  
- c...  

Review Questions

1. Do you accept the world created by God as it is?  
2. Do you believe that God knows better what is good for you than you do yourself?  
3. Are you willing to subordinate your own will to God's will?  
4. Are you willing to trust (the God as you perceive Him) with the course of your life?  
5. Have you recognized that you cannot change the world? And that it is not necessary?  
6. Have you recognized that you cannot change others? And that it is not necessary?  
7. Have you recognized that you can only change your own way of thinking?  
8. And that this is all you need (spiritual growth)?  
9. Are you grateful to God for this? Are you grateful for anything?