"The Eighth and Ninth Steps deal with personal relationships. First, we look back at the past to see where we have made mistakes, and then we make efforts to rectify the harm we have caused. Finally, having been cleansed of the wreckage of the past, we try to develop our relationships with everyone we know in the best possible way with a clear and new self-awareness."
So, let's look at my eighth step:
8. I CONSIDERED ALL THOSE I HAVE HARMED, AND I BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO ALL OF THEM.
I probably don’t need to say that the main difficulty here was not the "consideration" but the "becoming willing." While I could practically complete the consideration in just a few minutes based on Step Four, becoming willing required me to take several additional steps. These were as follows:
1. I reflected on the past to see where I had made mistakes at the expense of others.
2. I assessed whether I still held resentments toward anyone in the world.
3. I clearly saw that my mistakes could be corrected and made right.
4. I became willing to finally close the past and start a new life.
5. I examined whether I still had expectations of others.
6. I learned about the forms of direct amends.
7. I recognized that an apology is not an amends.
8. I made a plan for making direct amends.
Guide for the Step:
As an introduction to the step work:
- Study Step Eight in the Step Workbook!
- Attend meetings where Step Eight is discussed!
- Talk with your sponsor about Step Eight!
8.1. I reflected on the past to see where I had made mistakes at the expense of others.
Our book, *12 Steps and 12 Traditions*, states on page 79:
"Every AA member realizes that they cannot get very far on this road until they look back at their own past and discover through a searching and fearless moral inventory what kind of destruction they have caused in the lives of others. To some extent, this has already happened in the moral inventory, but now we must make a double effort to discover how many people have been specifically harmed and in what ways."
So, I took out the resentment list I created in Step Four and added a few more people, like this:
- My mother
- My ex-wife
- My former boss I.
- My former boss II.
- My son
- My daughter
- etc.
Then I turned it into a table, and I created a second column where I noted the harms I caused (here, for privacy reasons, I will only give a few examples), and in a third column, I will later write down my plans for making amends.
| My mother | Arguments, anxiety | (Step 8.8 section) |
| My ex-wife | Family disruption | moral damages, emotional |
| My former boss | Loss of prestige | financial damage, debt |
| ect.. |
By the way, our literature also states that I may encounter numerous obstacles in compiling my list and making amends, such as:
- The obsession that I only harmed myself.
- Fear of my secrets coming to light.
- My Step Four was incomplete, and I still resent many people.
- I fear that I committed unforgivable sins.
- I would prefer to forget in many cases rather than disturb the past.
- I do not believe that making amends can be the beginning of a new life.
- I expect the other party to initiate the amends.
- I want to extract forgiveness from the other party through my amends.
- I do not understand what DIRECT amends are.
- I want to replace direct amends with an apology.
Systematically addressing these obstacles formed the remainder of Step Eight for me.
Guide for the Step Section:
As a warm-up, briefly describe (think about) whether:
- Is it true that you only ever harmed yourself?
- Are you afraid of your secrets coming to light?
- Do you still resent many people?
- Are you still afraid that you have committed unforgivable sins?
- Would you prefer to forget in many cases rather than disturb the past?
- Do you doubt that making amends can be the beginning of a new life?
- Are there cases where you expect the other party to initiate the amends?
- Are you waiting for others to forgive you in exchange for your amends?
- Do you feel compelled to quickly apologize to everyone?
- Do you clearly understand what DIRECT amends are?
Create a table with three columns:
1. In the first column, write the names of those you have harmed! Use your Step Four resentment list for assistance, but do not copy it verbatim!
2. In the second column, write down what (material, physical, spiritual, emotional) harms you have caused!
3. Leave the third column blank for now. That will contain the plans for making amends.
8.2. I assessed whether I still held resentments toward anyone in the world.
I read in the Step Workbook that I may encounter numerous obstacles while compiling my amends list and making direct amends. Listening to the shares of my peers at meetings reinforced this experience for me. Therefore, I began to go through them one by one, as I had already listed in my previous share. Their descriptions can be found in detail on pages 80-81 of the Step Workbook.
1. The obsession that I only harmed myself.
Of course, I harmed myself as well. I have harmed myself a great deal. However, I make amends to myself when I go to meetings, meet with my peers, and find peace of mind. It is also an amends when I seek a sponsor to help me in my recovery. It is an amends when I work the steps and grow spiritually.
2. I fear my secrets coming to light.
Since completing Steps Four and Five, I have no secrets. Not before God, nor before man. I am not guilty. I know that I am responsible for my life, but I am not guilty. I can always make mistakes, but I can always correct and make amends for them. The most important tool for correcting past mistakes is precisely Step Nine, so I must approach Step Eight as thoroughly and fearlessly as I did Step Four.
3. My Step Four was incomplete, and I still resent many people.
It is difficult to apologize to anyone if I have not yet forgiven them. It is hard to make direct amends if I still resent the person. Our book states in the second paragraph on page 80:
"If we are now about to make apologies, why not start with the fact that we forgive them, all of them, without exception?"
And then I started to ask myself my own little self-assessment questions:
- Have I already forgiven my mother? Really?
- Have I already forgiven my ex-wife?
- Have I already forgiven the others I resented?
- Do I still sometimes think that others want to harm me intentionally?
- Do I still sometimes think that there are unforgivable sins in the world?
- Am I still angry at any organization, ideology, politics, or religion?
Because if I "casually brush past" these questions, then I am not doing Step Eight. If necessary, I will look back at my Step Four. I will not proceed until I have sincerely forgiven everyone for everything, until I have let go of all my resentments.
Guide for the Step Section:
Answer the following self-assessment questions honestly:
- Have you recognized that you have harmed others, not just yourself?
- Do you still have secrets from anyone?
- Have you forgiven your mother? Really? Everything?
- Have you forgiven the others you resented?
- Do you still sometimes think that others want to harm you intentionally?
- Do you still sometimes think that there are unforgivable sins in the world?
- Are you still angry at any organization, ideology, politics, or religion?
- Do you still hate those who think differently or are different? And pedophiles?
8.3. I clearly saw that my mistakes could be corrected and made right.
Sin, wrongdoing, mistake... - how do I relate to these concepts?
During Step Five, I often recited to myself the text that Catholics usually say at the beginning of Mass in the Confiteor section:
"I confess to Almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned in my thoughts, in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do. Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault..."
The question is whether these (very serious) faults, these wrong thoughts, words, and actions can be corrected or made right?
If I thought that I am guilty and that these are unforgivable sins, it would, of course, be meaningless for me to work on Step Eight. Sins always demand retribution! Whoever cries "sin" wants punishment, retribution! At minimum, death! But mostly a lot of suffering. For themselves or for others. It doesn’t matter. The point is to make it hurt!
If I want to live, I must think that I am not guilty! I am responsible for my actions, my words, and even my thoughts, but I am not guilty. I do not deserve suffering and death!
Life and happiness are my destiny. It is God's will for me to be perfectly happy. Therefore, my mistakes, my wrong thoughts, words, and actions can be corrected and made right.
1. THEY CAN BE CORRECTED:
The 4th to 7th steps were about changing my incorrect (self-centered) way of thinking. As a result, fewer and fewer wrong thoughts arise in my mind, fewer and fewer incorrect words come out of my mouth, and fewer and fewer wrong actions slip through my hands. I make fewer mistakes. Thus, there is less and less need for amends.
2. AMENDABLE:
In the 8th and 9th steps, I make efforts to correct, repay, or replace the damages caused by wrong words and actions, as well as omissions (material, physical, spiritual, emotional). I believe this is possible! Oh, I almost forgot: Others are not guilty either. They do not deserve suffering and death; they deserve compassion, love, and forgiveness!
Guide for the step section:
Think about and write down:
- Do you sometimes wish for others to suffer for their sins?
- What about criminals? Do they need to suffer?
- Do you want criminals to suffer?
- Do you still have guilt about your past actions?
- Do you resent yourself for your existing character flaws?
- Does spiritual growth reduce the risk of making mistakes?
Write down any experience that supports the idea that:
- You are responsible, not guilty.
- Your mistakes can be corrected.
- Your mistakes can be amended.
8.4. I have become willing to finally close the past and start a new life.
For me, the 8th and 9th steps carry the promise of freedom. "We will know a new freedom and a new happiness," promises the Big Book on page 78. For example, I am free to make mistakes. In the previous step section, it became clear to me that I have no sins and that I can correct and amend my mistakes at any time.
Freedom also means that I can start a new life at any time. Reaching this point in the step work, I began to believe that making amends could be the beginning of a new life. I started to practice this. I began to observe it in the sharing of others. I watched how differently those who report real amends think. How their lives have changed. How much happier and freer they are.
The book *The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions* states on page 81 that "a conscious desire to forget" can be an obstacle to making amends. I want to forget, so I don't want to disturb the past. It says:
"Although in some cases we may not be able to make amends at all, or it may take time, we must still thoroughly examine our past to see how it has affected others. Sometimes it turns out that the harm caused was not really significant, but the emotional damage we caused ourselves was. Very deep spiritual conflicts – even if we forget them – hide in our subconscious world."
So forgetting is not a solution. Only revealing the past can lead to results. And this must go down to subconscious depths. However, my subconscious can be reprogrammed. This is what the program is about for me, which brings about a new life.
I can start a new life every day. Today is the beginning of a new life.
Guide for the step section:
Think about and write down:
- Do real amends change our lives?
- Does the past bind us if we do not dare to reveal it?
- Do you still want to forget? Or would you rather start uncovering?
- Are those who have made necessary amends freer?
- Do you want freedom?
- Are you willing to make amends?
Write down any experience that supports the idea that:
- You can start a new life every day.
- Today is the beginning of a new life.
8.5. I examined whether I still have expectations of others.
In my 3rd step, I already realized that I cannot change others. And that it is not necessary either. However, the AA experiences show that two types of expectations (incorrect thoughts) can still arise in relation to the 8th step, and these can hinder direct amends:
- "He also caused me harm. Why doesn’t he start making amends?"
- "If I make amends to him, I can expect him to forgive!"
Of course, both thoughts are incorrect, as they do not advance my spiritual growth. What did I do to let go of these thoughts?
I.) I EXPECTED THE OTHER PARTY TO START MAKING AMENDS.
This was quite childish behavior. There were additional incorrect thoughts behind it, which I managed to uncover from my subconscious. Among them:
- "I can only give if I first receive something."
- "Don’t let it be my fault!"
- "Don’t let it be good for him!"
- "I need him to start for my self-esteem."
- "Besides, it’s his fault anyway."
Studying my list, I recognized that these thoughts are all due to the ego. So, I began to practice the following:
"I accept that it is not a condition for making amends that the other person does the same."
II.) I WANTED TO FORCE FORGIVENESS FROM THE OTHER WITH MY AMENDS.
I thought that I could live a free and happy life if everyone I had ever harmed forgave me. I imagined that if I made amends, the minimum was for the other to utter a "I forgive" or at least to show that they are no longer angry with me and have forgotten the many past grievances I caused them.
Then I realized that this is an unrealistic expectation. Although forgiveness is beneficial for spiritual growth (I have experienced this myself), I cannot expect anyone to forgive me immediately. It didn’t happen for me overnight either. However, my amends provide a great opportunity for the other person to forgive. If they want to. If they don’t want to, that’s their business. I give my share, regardless of whether I receive something in return. For me, that is the essence. This is what fosters my peace of mind. So I started to practice letting go:
"I accept that the purpose of making amends is not for the other person to forgive."
In summary of the above:
If I no longer have expectations of others, then no one can have expectations of me either! And that is true freedom...
Live and Let Live!
Guide for the step section:
Think about and write down:
- Who do you think should start making amends?
- Do amends diminish or strengthen self-esteem?
- Is it good for you to make amends to someone?
- Do you expect the person you will make amends to forgive you?
- If you expect things from others, will they do the same to you?
- What does the slogan "Live and Let Live" mean to you?
Write down any experience that supports the idea that:
- Making amends sets you free.
Practice the following (or something similar):
- I accept that it is not a condition for making amends that the other person does the same.
- I accept that the purpose of making amends is not for the other person to forgive.
8.6. I became familiar with the forms of direct amends.
Previously, I had already decided that in Steps 8 and 9, I would make efforts to rectify the (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional) damages caused by wrong words and actions, as well as omissions. I contemplated the various forms in which I could do this. I re-read Steps 8 and 9 in our literature. I attended step meetings to observe what others were reporting. In the end, I arrived at the following conclusions:
A) I WILL MAKE CONTACT WITH THEM:
- I will reach out to them in person.
- I will send them a message and request a meeting.
- I will call them on the phone.
- I will write them a letter.
- I will contact them electronically (e.g., Messenger).
- I will inquire about them (from others).
- I will think about them (pray for them, meditate on them).
B) I WILL ADMIT TO THEM:
- that I made mistakes
- that I was thinking incorrectly
- that I spoke ill
- that I acted wrongly
- that I committed omissions
- that I caused (material, emotional) damages
C) I WILL REVEAL TO THEM THE VALUE OF THE DAMAGES:
- Material damage (monetary value, debt)
- Physical damage (injury, absence, loss)
- Intellectual damage (time, fatigue, lack of attention)
- Emotional damage (bad feelings: sadness, fear, anger, etc.)
- Spiritual damage (unhappiness, unrest, feeling of lack)
D) I WILL PROVIDE RESTITUTION TO THEM:
- I will compensate for the material damage (e.g., money, acknowledgment)
- I will restore the physical damage (e.g., repair, work)
- I will replace the absence (e.g., material replacement, exchange)
- I will be present with them (in person, on the phone, online, in thought)
- I will dedicate time to them (I will engage with them, help them, work for them)
- I will provide information (I will talk to them, share my experiences)
- I will support them (materially, intellectually, spiritually)
- I will organize joint activities (hobbies, relaxation)
- I will apologize (if I see that they would like this)
So, there can be many forms of restitution. Our "12 Steps 12 Traditions" book states on page 88:
“It is not necessary to burden our victim with verbose self-recrimination; however, it is important that restitution is always direct and generous.”
If you feel like it, write in the comments what forms of direct restitution you know!
Guidance for the step section:
Make lists of:
- What forms of contact do you know?
- What mistakes do you plan to admit during restitution?
- What types of damage did you cause with your mistakes?
- What forms of direct restitution are possible?
8.7. I recognized that an apology is not restitution.
To put it more precisely: An apology cannot replace direct restitution.
Of course, there are situations where an apology is appropriate in my life. For example, if I make a mistake and cause someone harm, an immediate apology is appropriate. The benefits of this are:
- If I recognize that I made a mistake, I can correct it.
- I do not carry the burden of my wrong behavior for a long time.
- I clarify to the other person that I am not blaming them.
- I give the other person the opportunity to practice the uplifting gesture of forgiveness, thus spiritually growing.
At the same time, I believe that an apology is not suitable for directly rectifying damages caused in the past because:
- It does not correct the faulty way of thinking.
- It does not make up for the damages caused.
- It does not lead to useful communication.
- It can awaken guilt within us.
- It sets an expectation toward others.
- It makes the effectiveness of the step work dependent on someone else.
- It shifts the responsibility onto the other person. (“I did my part; if you don’t forgive, that’s your fault!”)
The injured persons and the damages caused can be so diverse that direct restitution cannot be simplified to a two-word social formula, in my opinion.
Another question is that for someone who previously could not apologize, being able to do so can be a great achievement. But for me, this was not the subject of Steps 8 and 9, but rather of Steps 4 and 5.
Guidance for the step section:
Write down (think about) when:
- In what cases is immediate apology useful?
- Why is it not suitable for making restitution for damages caused in the past?
8.8. I have prepared a plan for making direct restitution.
What have I done so far for restitution?
1. I looked back to see where I made mistakes.
2. I assessed whether I still resent anyone in the world.
3. I clearly saw that my mistakes can be corrected and rectified.
4. I became willing to completely close the past and start a new life.
5. I examined whether I still have expectations.
6. I learned the forms of direct restitution.
7. I recognized that an apology is not restitution.
After this, all that was missing was a concrete plan for making direct restitution. The step book states on page 85:
“Once we have completed our list of those harmed, evaluated each grievance, and endeavored to learn the proper behavior moving forward, it becomes clear that those who will require direct restitution can be categorized into several groups. There will be those we must contact immediately once our confidence in the permanence of our sobriety is reinforced.
There will also be those for whom only partial restitution can be made if we wish to avoid our unreserved openness causing more harm than good. In other cases, action may need to be postponed, and indeed, there are situations that inherently make direct personal contact impossible.”
So, I took out my table, which contained the PEOPLE and the associated DAMAGES (Step 8.1), and arranged it chronologically (or supplemented it) as follows:
1. Immediate contact (full or partial restitution?)
2. Later contact (when?)
3. Action to be postponed (for how long?)
4. Personal contact is impossible (other means?)
After that, I started writing in the third “PLAN” column what I intend to do:
- How I will contact them…
- How I will admit the damage caused and its extent…
- How I intend to make amends for this…
Guidance for the step section:
Organize your restitution table (Step 8.1) chronologically according to:
1. With whom will you immediately make contact for full or partial restitution?
2. With whom do you plan to contact later? When?
3. With whom will the action be postponed? For how long?
4. With whom is personal contact impossible? Is there another way?
In the third (PLAN) column, write what you plan to do:
- How will you contact the person?
- How will you admit the damage caused and its extent?
- How do you intend to make amends for this?
8.9. Self-check questions – for Step 8
Before we move on to Step 9, do a little self-check. Answer the following questions for yourself:
1. Are you willing to look back at the past to see where you made mistakes at others' expense?
2. Do you still resent anyone in the world?
3. Have you forgiven your mother?
4. Do you clearly see that mistakes can always be corrected and rectified?
5. Are you willing to permanently close the past and start a new life?
6. Do you accept that restitution does not require the other party to do the same?
7. Do you accept that the purpose of restitution is not for the other to forgive?
8. Have you considered the forms of direct restitution?
9. Do you accept that an apology cannot replace restitution?
10. Have you created a chronological plan for making direct restitution?
Short explanations for the self-check questions for Step 8
1. Mistakes can always be corrected or rectified.
2. You cannot provide restitution while burdened by resentments. Letting go of resentments was the subject of Step 4.
3. If you have not forgiven yet, go back to Step 4!
4. There are no unforgivable sins.
5. Restitutions allow for closing the past and starting a new life.
6. It will not work if you are waiting for the other person...
7. Restitution is our responsibility, not the other’s, just as forgiveness is.
8. Think them over again.
9. An apology does not rectify past mistakes and shifts the responsibility to the other.
10. It is worthwhile to create a summary table.
