Csaba – 9th Step

(Excerpt) – 9.0

I’d like to share with you how I completed the 9th step:

The Step Book on page 85 says:

"Good judgment, careful timing, courage, and prudence—these are the qualities we will need when it comes to the 9th step.  
Once we have made our list of those we harmed, considered each wrong, and tried to develop the right attitude for the process, it becomes clear that those we need to make direct amends to fall into several categories:

1. There will be those we need to contact immediately, as soon as our confidence in our sobriety strengthens.
2. There will be others to whom we can only offer partial amends, to avoid causing more harm than good with our complete openness.
3. In other cases, action will need to be postponed.
4. And there will be situations where direct personal contact is impossible by their nature."

How I did the ninth step:

9. I made direct amends to all people I could, except when it would have caused harm to them or others.  
As part of this:

1. I tried to contact them for the purpose of making amends.
2. I made full amends to some.
3. I made partial amends to others.
4. For some, my amends process is ongoing.
5. I know who I will make amends to in the future.
6. I addressed cases where personal contact wasn’t possible.
7. I didn’t try to replace direct amends with apologies.

Throughout the rest of the month, I will elaborate on these points.

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Guide for Step 9.0:
As an introduction to step work:

- Study the 9th step in our 12/12 book!
- Attend meetings focused on the 9th step!
- Talk to your sponsor about the 9th step!

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Csaba – 9th Step

(Excerpt) – 9.1

9.1 I TRIED TO CONTACT THEM FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING AMENDS.

In the 8th step, I already made my list, which not only included the names of those I had harmed, but also detailed the harm caused and my plan to:

- How I would try to contact them?
- How I would admit the harm and its extent?
- How I intended to make amends?

First, I began the process of reaching out. The goal of contacting them was to arrange a personal meeting later. I initiated contact in various ways, depending on how personal or intimate my relationship was with the individual.

1. Some I met regularly, so I was able to approach them immediately in person.
2. Some I hadn't seen in a long time or saw infrequently. I called them to arrange a meeting.
3. I messaged some electronically (via Messenger). This worked well for those familiar with technology.
4. I emailed some to prepare for a personal meeting.
5. I sent messages to others through mutual contacts, asking to meet. I didn’t like this method much.
6. For some, I had to ask others how I could reach them, and I sometimes succeeded.
7. Some had passed away or were so far away that I could only deal with them in my thoughts.
8. For some, I knew nothing anymore, so I stayed in a waiting position.

Interestingly, life later brought some of them to me by chance. But thanks to the 8th step, I was already prepared for these encounters.

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Guide for Step 9.1:

9.1 Try to contact them for the purpose of making amends.

Take out the list you made in the previous step. Try to arrange a meeting with the people listed at the top for the purpose of making amends:

- In person
- By phone
- Via Messenger
- By email
- Through a mutual acquaintance

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Csaba – 9th Step

(Excerpt) – 9.2

9.2 I MADE FULL AMENDS TO SOME.

At the top of my list were my family members (my mother, my children, my ex-wife).

In their case, there was less focus on financial or physical harm, but rather on emotional, mental, and spiritual wounds. During my alcoholism, I often neglected them, didn’t pay attention to them, and caused them to feel hurt (sorrow, fear, anger), and they experienced much unhappiness.

In making amends, they were the first ones to whom I admitted my mistakes, acknowledged my wrong thinking and actions, and confessed my negligence.

During my recovery, I dedicated a lot of attention to being with them (in person, by phone, online, or even just in thought). I spent time with them, engaged with them, and helped them. As much as I could, I supported them financially as well. I couldn’t be with my ex-wife anymore, so I focused on making financial amends with her. I paid child support on time and, when needed, provided additional funds.

I didn’t have significant financial debts to others, so there wasn’t much need for that type of amends.

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Guide for Step 9.2:

9.2 I make full amends to some.

Once you’ve met with them:

- Admit to them what mistakes you made:

   - In thought
   - In words
   - In actions
   - In negligence

- Acknowledge the type and extent of the harm you caused:

   - Financial
   - Physical
   - Emotional
   - Spiritual

- Discuss with them how you will make amends.

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Csaba – 9th Step

(Excerpt) – 9.3

9.3 I MADE PARTIAL AMENDS TO SOME.


Reflecting on the list of those to whom I have provided amends so far, I realized that the part of my amends can be complete when I:

- Acknowledge my mistakes to them
- Pay off my monetary debts

However, the resolution of emotional and spiritual harms will be either partial or ongoing. I can speak of partial resolution in the case of my ex-wife, with whom I have met several times during my recovery, but I do not maintain daily contact with her. I have tried to establish a peaceful, understanding relationship with her, and I believe I have succeeded. I currently cannot do more, as we live far apart. But if the opportunity arises, I am always ready to make further amends.

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Guideline for Step 9.3:

9.3, There are those to whom I provide partial amends.

If full and immediate amends are not possible, discuss with them the forms of further amends:

- Repayment
- Support, sponsorship
- Togetherness
- Emotional support, etc.

Csaba - Step 9

(excerpt) - 9.4.

9.4, THERE ARE THOSE WITH WHOM MY AMENDS ARE ONGOING.

I previously wrote that I could provide complete and final amends by acknowledging my mistakes and resolving the material damages. However, the resolution of emotional and spiritual harms is either partial or ongoing.

I make ongoing amends in two forms: personally (that is, directly) and generally.


1. PERSONALLY 

My amends to my mother and (adult) children are continuous and direct. During my recovery, I pay a lot of attention to being with them (in person, on the phone, online, or even just in thought). I spend time with them, engage with them, and help them, provided they desire this. 
BUT: I do not impose myself on them. I do not try to control their lives. I do not tell them what to do. And I do not expect anything from them—neither forgiveness nor recognition!

2. GENERALLY 

My amends are not direct but ongoing towards everyone, including myself, when I grow spiritually, when my mindset changes for the better, when I am filled with love, and when my inner peace is restored.

This positively affects my environment as well. I believe this is the greatest amend regarding my past mistakes.

After all, if I correct my faulty mindset, I will make fewer mistakes in the future.


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Guideline for Step 9.4:

9.4, There are those with whom my amends are ongoing.
Who are those with whom your amends are ongoing? This is:

- Personal?
- General?

Csaba - Step 9

(excerpt) - 9.5.

9.5, I KNOW WHO THOSE ARE TO WHOM I WILL PROVIDE AMENDS LATER.

On my list, there are individuals (e.g., former bosses) to whom I owe amends, but:

- I am currently not in contact with them, or
- I do not even know where they are or what they are doing, and
- they are likely not curious about my amends actions.

I am prepared that if I were to meet or get in touch with them, I would acknowledge my mistakes and offer other forms of amends as well. I am aware of the harm caused.

At the same time, I do not currently find it advisable to investigate them. Every meeting will occur sooner or later, which is needed by both parties.

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Guideline for Step 9.5:

9.5, I know who those are to whom I will provide amends later.

Write down (reflect on) whether there are individuals on your list:

- with whom you are currently not in contact
- you do not know where they are or what they are doing
- they are likely not curious about your amends actions

Csaba - Step 9

(excerpt) - 9.6.

9.6, I HAVE ADDRESSED THOSE WHERE PERSONAL CONTACT IS NOT POSSIBLE.

Among the individuals on my amends list, there are those for whom personal contact is not possible. There can be two reasons for this in their case:

1. They live too far away.
2. They are no longer alive.

In the first case, I have tried to use other channels, such as:

- Phone
- Email
- Chat (Messenger)

I am currently using these forms regularly for those with whom my amends are ongoing (my mother, my children). In the second case, I simply imagine that I meet them again, acknowledge my mistakes to them, and turn towards them with love. I believe this is not a futile action. In fact...

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Guideline for Step 9.6:

9.6, I address those where personal contact is not possible.

Reflect on whether there are individuals on your list who:

1. Live too far away.
2. Are no longer alive.

In the first case, try to use indirect channels:

- Phone
- Email
- Chat (Messenger)

In the second case, simply imagine that you:

- meet them again,
- acknowledge your mistakes to them, 
- and turn towards them with love.

Csaba - Step 9

(excerpt) - 9.7.

9.7, I DO NOT TRY TO SUBSTITUTE DIRECT AMENDS WITH AN APOLOGY.

In my previous entries, I shared how I completed Step 9 and provided direct amends to all those I could:

- I provided full amends to some.
- I provided partial amends to others.
- There are those with whom my amends are ongoing.
- I know who those are to whom I will provide amends later.
- I have also addressed those where personal contact is not possible.

Finally, I want to mention the topic of apology again. I am not against apologizing if it is used appropriately. Of course, there are situations where an apology is appropriate in my life as well. For example, if I make a mistake and cause harm to someone, then an immediate apology is warranted, along with restitution.

At the same time, I believe that an apology is not suitable for making direct amends for past harms. I already addressed this in Step 8 and noted there that the wounded individuals and the harms caused can vary so greatly that direct amends cannot be simplified to a simple “forgive me.”

It is another matter, of course, that for someone who previously could not apologize, being able to do so can be a significant achievement. It can be practiced; just don’t believe that this is amends.

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Guideline for Step 9.7:

9.7, I do not try to substitute direct amends with an apology.

Always keep in mind that an apology cannot replace direct amends!

Review Questions for Step 9 of AA

1. Have you reached out to anyone for the purpose of direct amends?
2. Have you provided at least partial amends to anyone?
3. Do you know who those are to whom you will later provide direct amends?
4. Do you have a plan for cases where personal contact is not possible?
5. Are you trying to substitute direct amends with an apology?