Step Book - Step 8

"We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

(excerpt) - I.

The Eighth and Ninth Steps deal with personal relationships. First, we look back at the past to see where we made mistakes, and then we make an effort to make amends for the harm done. Finally, having been cleansed of the ruins of the past, we try to develop our relationships with everyone we know in the best possible direction, armed with a new and clear self-awareness.

This is quite a large undertaking. Nevertheless, it can be pursued with increasing proficiency even if we never really reach the end. It is a dazzling and sobering adventure during which we learn how to live in complete peace with ourselves, as well as in brotherhood and equality with everyone, whoever they may be. Every A.A. member realizes that they cannot go far on this path until they look back at their own past to discover, through profound and courageous self-examination, what kind of destruction they have wrought in others during their career. To some extent, this has already taken place during the moral inventory; now, however, we must uncover, with renewed effort, just how many individuals were harmed and in what specific ways. The tearing open of emotional wounds—whether they have healed, faded into oblivion, or still ache—may initially seem like a futile and aimless surgical intervention. But if we resolve to tackle it, the operation will soon bear fruit. As the obstacles are removed from our path, the pain subsides.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 79]

Step Book - Step 8  

(excerpt) - II.

The obstacles are very real. The first and most difficult is related to forgiveness. As we dwell on a broken or severed relationship, our emotions freeze into a defensive posture. Instead of looking at the wrongs we committed against the other person, we harbor anger towards the "one who wronged us." Especially when the individual has indeed treated us poorly. We magnify their inappropriate behavior, thus creating the perfect alibi to minimize or forget our own.

At this point, we must pull ourselves together, and urgently. Mutual blackening has no real purpose. Let us not forget that the emotional world is not only sick for the alcoholic. Moreover, it is a fact that our drinking behavior darkened our view of others’ faults. Often we took extreme advantage of our best friends' patience until it ran out. Or we provoked malice from those who already had a poor opinion of us. We frequently dealt with sick individuals, whose suffering we only compounded. If we are now on the verge of asking for forgiveness, why not start by forgiving them, all of them, without exception?  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 80]

Step Book - Step 8  

(excerpt) - III.

While listing the individuals we have hurt, many of us encountered another serious obstacle. We were genuinely shocked at the thought of admitting our pitiful behavior face-to-face with the aggrieved party. This was already uncomfortable when we confessed our misdeeds directly to God, ourselves, and a third party.

But the prospect of now approaching the person in person or in writing shackles us; especially if we still remember how low their opinion was of us. There have been cases where we acted wrongly toward someone without them ever discovering the identity of their offender! Why should we cover the past? Why must we recall these memories at all? In these instances, a mixture of vanity and fear prevents us from listing every individual we have harmed.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 80]

Step Book - Step 8  

(excerpt) - IV.

Some of us encountered entirely different difficulties. For example, we clung to the delusion that our drinking lifestyle only harmed ourselves. The family did not suffer, as we always paid our bills on time and rarely hosted drinking parties at home. Our coworkers could not say a word, as we rarely missed work due to drinking. Our good reputation did not suffer, because we assumed only a few knew of our drinking.

And those who did generally reassured us that revelry was ultimately just a manly lapse. So what kind of harm are we talking about? Probably nothing more serious than what could be fixed with a simple apology. This attitude is, in fact, the result of a purposeful desire to forget. We can only address this through a profound and honest examination of our motives and actions.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, p. 81]

Step Book - Step 8  

(excerpt) - V.

Although in some cases we cannot make amends for the harm caused, or the time for that may come later, we must still examine our past thoroughly and meticulously to see how it affected others. Sometimes it turns out that the harm inflicted was not really significant, but the emotional damage we inflicted on ourselves was. Very deep psychological conflicts—even if we forget them—lie hidden in our subconscious. At the same time, these buried issues began to influence our emotions with such power that our personality became distorted and our lives went off the rails. 

While making amends is crucial, it is equally necessary to delve into the details of our personal relationships to obtain the most granular information about ourselves and our difficulties.

Since most of our problems—including alcoholism—are usually caused by deteriorated relationships, this mapping will bring us real satisfaction and fulfillment. Calmness and a deeper consideration of relationships can aid in deepening our self-awareness. Thus, we can look far beyond our surface faults, seeing our fundamental weaknesses that have shaped our entire behavior throughout our lives. We have come to realize that "diving" is not only worthwhile but also very beneficial.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 81-82]

Step Book - Step 8  

(excerpt) - VI.

After this, the question may arise: what do we actually mean by "harm"? How does one person hurt another? In practical terms, harm is a clash of instincts that causes physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional damage to others. When we are angry, we evoke resentment in others. By lying and cheating, we not only cause financial harm but also jeopardize the financial security and peace of mind of the aggrieved party. We can make them contemptuous and vengeful. If we behave selfishly in sexual matters, we can provoke jealousy and despair in the affected individual, prompting them to retaliate in kind.

Such severely inappropriate behavior does not represent a complete catalog of the harm caused. Let us consider a few "subtle" insults that can be just as damaging. Suppose our family life is characterized by stinginess, irresponsibility, insensitivity, or indifference. Perhaps we exhibit irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless behavior. Or, for instance, we favor one family member while neglecting the others. What happens, for example, when we try to dominate the whole family by imposing either iron discipline or a multitude of detailed instructions, just so we can dictate our way of life moment by moment? What if, on the other hand, we let depression and self-pity flow from us, pouring all of it onto our environment? We could go on indefinitely about the harm we inflict on others, making the daily lives of those who live with the alcoholic difficult or often unbearable. If we exhibit the same traits at work or in social circles, we can cause as much damage as we do at home.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 82-83]

Step Book - Step 8  

(excerpt) - VII.

After carefully listing our relationships and determining which personal traits have caused us to hurt others, we can begin to search our memories for those we have wronged. It will not be too difficult to identify the closest and most seriously offended individuals. As we unwind the thread of our memories as much as we can, the list of affected persons will grow longer. Naturally, each case must be carefully considered and reflected upon.

We must strive to acknowledge our own actions, forgiving the perceived or real wrongs done to us. We should avoid extreme judgment—whether about ourselves or others. Let us not magnify either our own faults or those of others. Our primary concern should be a calm and objective perspective.

If our pencil skips a bit, let us think of how the experiences from this A.A. step have enriched others as reinforcement and encouragement. This is nothing less than the beginning of our distancing from God and fellow humans.  
[12 Steps and 12 Traditions, pp. 83-84]