Csaba - Step 8

(Excerpt) - 8.0.  

Our "12 Steps and 12 Traditions" book, on page 79, says the following about the Eighth Step:  
   
"The Eighth and Ninth Steps deal with personal relationships. First, we look back at the past to see where we have made mistakes, then we make efforts to amend the harms we have caused. Finally—cleansed of the wreckage of the past—we try to improve our relationships with everyone we know, guided by a new and clear self-awareness."  
   
So let's look at the Eighth Step:

8. I MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS I HAD HARMED AND BECAME WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL.

I probably don’t need to mention that the main difficulty wasn’t making the list but "becoming willing." While making the list could be done in just a few minutes based on Step 4, becoming willing required several additional steps. These were as follows:

1. I reflected on the past, identifying where I had harmed others.
2. I assessed whether I still resented anyone in the world.
3. I clearly saw that my mistakes could be corrected and amends made.
4. I became willing to finally close the chapter on the past and start a new life.
5. I examined if I still had expectations of others.
6. I learned about the forms of direct amends.
7. I recognized that an apology is not the same as making amends.
8. I made a plan to make direct amends.

In the remainder of the month, I will go into more detail about these points.


Guide to preparing for Step 8:  

As an introduction to the step:

- Study the Eighth Step in our 12/12 book!
- Attend meetings where the Eighth Step is discussed!
- Talk to your sponsor about the Eighth Step!

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Csaba - Step 8  

(Excerpt) - 8.1.  
   
8.1. I REFLECTED ON THE PAST TO IDENTIFY WHERE I HAD HARMED OTHERS.

On page 79, our "12 Steps and 12 Traditions" book states:

"Every member of AA realizes they can’t get very far on this path without reflecting on their own past, through a deep and courageous self-examination, to uncover the harm they caused to others during their journey. To some extent, this has already been done during the moral inventory, but now we must double our efforts to specifically determine how many individuals have been harmed and in what ways."

So, I took my resentment list from Step 4 and added a few more names, something like this:

- My mother  
- My ex-wife  
- Former boss I  
- Former boss II  
- My son  
- My daughter  
- etc.

Then, I turned it into a table with a second column to list the harms I caused and a third column for my plan to make amends.

(Sorry, I can't insert a table here!)

Our literature also states that I may encounter several obstacles when compiling my list or making amends, such as:

- The obsession that I only harmed myself.
- Fear of my secrets being exposed.
- Incomplete Step 4, with lingering resentments toward many.
- The belief that I committed unforgivable wrongs.
- The desire to forget and not stir up the past.
- Doubts about whether amends can truly start a new life.
- Waiting for the other person to initiate amends.
- Wanting to use amends to force forgiveness from the other person.
- Misunderstanding what direct amends really mean.
- Replacing direct amends with an apology.

Eliminating these obstacles systematically was the remaining work of Step 8 for me. In the coming weeks, I will write in more detail about this process.


Guide to Step 8.1:

8.1. I REFLECT ON THE PAST TO IDENTIFY WHERE I HAVE HARMED OTHERS.  

As a warm-up, briefly write down (think about) whether:  

- Is it true that you only harmed yourself?  
- Are you afraid of your secrets coming to light?  
- Do you still resent many people?  
- Are you still worried that you have committed unforgivable wrongs?  
- Would you often prefer to forget rather than stir up the past?  
- Do you doubt that making amends can be the beginning of a new life?  
- Are there cases where you expect the other party to initiate the amends?  
- Do you expect forgiveness from others in exchange for making amends?  
- Do you feel the urge to quickly apologize to everyone?  
- Do you clearly understand what DIRECT amends are?  

Create a table with three columns:  

1. In the first column, write down those you have harmed! Use the resentment list from your Step 4 as a reference!  
2. In the second column, list the (material, physical, spiritual, emotional) harms you caused!  
3. Leave the third column blank for now. That’s where your plans for making amends will go.  


Csaba - Step 8  

(Excerpt) - 8.2.  

8.2. I ASSESSED WHETHER I STILL RESENTED ANYONE IN THE WORLD.  

I read in the Step Book that I may encounter various obstacles while compiling my amends list or making direct amends. Listening to my peers' shares at meetings also reinforced this experience for me. So, I began to go through these obstacles that I had already listed in my previous share. Their descriptions can be found in detail on pages 80-81 of the Step Book.  

1. The obsession that I only harmed myself.  

Of course, I harmed myself as well. I have harmed myself a lot. However, I make amends to myself when I attend meetings, connect with my peers, and find inner peace. Seeking a sponsor to help me in my recovery is also an amend. Working through the steps and growing spiritually is also a form of amends.  

2. I am afraid of my secrets coming to light.  

Since completing Steps 4 and 5, I have no secrets. Not from God or from anyone. I am not guilty. I know that I am responsible for my life, but I am not guilty. I may always make mistakes, but I can always correct and amend them. The most important tool for correcting past mistakes is Step 9, so I need to approach Step 8 as thoroughly and bravely as I did Step 4.  

3. My Step 4 was incomplete, and I still resent many people.  

It is hard to ask anyone for forgiveness if I have not yet forgiven them. It is difficult to make direct amends if I still resent the individual. Our book states in the second paragraph on page 80:  

"If we are about to ask for forgiveness, why not start by forgiving them, all of them, without exception?"  

And then I began to ask myself my little check-in questions:  

- Have I truly forgiven my mother?  
- Have I forgiven my ex-wife?  
- Have I forgiven the others I resented?  
- Do I still sometimes think that others want to harm me intentionally?  
- Do I still sometimes think that there are unforgivable sins in the world?  
- Am I still angry at any organization, ideology, politics, or religion?  

Because if I "casually overlook" these questions, I am not truly doing Step 8. If necessary, I look back at my Step 4. I will not move forward until I have sincerely forgiven everyone for everything and let go of all my resentments.  


Guide to Step 8.2:  

8.2. I ASSESS WHETHER I STILL RESENT ANYONE IN THE WORLD.  

Answer the following check-in questions honestly:  

- Have you realized that you have harmed others, not just yourself?  
- Do you still have secrets from anyone?  
- Have you truly forgiven your mother? Everything?  
- Have you forgiven the others you resented?  
- Do you still sometimes think that others want to harm you intentionally?  
- Do you still sometimes think that there are unforgivable sins in the world?  
- Are you still angry at any organization, ideology, politics, or religion?  
- Do you still hate those who think differently or who are different? And pedophiles?  

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Csaba - Step 8  

(Excerpt) - 8.3.  

8.3. I CLEARLY SAW THAT MY MISTAKES COULD BE CORRECTED AND AMENDED.  

Sin, wrongdoing, mistake... how do I relate to these concepts?  

During Step 5, I often repeated the text that Catholics usually recite at the beginning of Mass in the Confiteor section:  
"I confess to Almighty God and to you, my brothers, that I have greatly sinned in my thoughts, words, actions, and omissions. Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault..."  

The question is whether these (very serious) sins, these wrong thoughts, words, and actions can be corrected and amended.  
If I believed that I was guilty and that these were unforgivable sins, then it would make no sense for me to work on Step 8. Sins always demand retribution! Those who cry "sin" want punishment, retribution! At the very least, death! But mostly, a lot of suffering. For themselves, for others. It doesn’t matter. The point is that it must hurt!  

If I want to live, I must believe that I am not guilty! I am responsible for my actions, words, and even my thoughts, but I am not guilty. I do not deserve suffering and death! Life and happiness are my destiny. God wants me to be perfectly happy. Therefore, my mistakes, my flawed thoughts, words, and actions can be corrected and amended.  

1. THEY CAN BE CORRECTED:  
Steps 4-7 were about changing my incorrect (self-centered) way of thinking; as a result, fewer and fewer wrong thoughts emerge in my mind, fewer and fewer wrong words leave my mouth, and fewer and fewer wrong actions slip through my hands. I am making fewer mistakes. Thus, the need for amends occurs less frequently.  

2. THEY CAN BE AMENDED:  
In Steps 8-9, I make efforts to restore, repay, and compensate for the (material, physical, spiritual, emotional) harms caused by my wrong words and actions, as well as omissions. I believe this is possible!  

Oh, I almost forgot: Others are not guilty either. They do not deserve suffering and death, but compassion, love, and forgiveness!  

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Guide to Step 8.3:  


8.3, I Clearly See That My Mistakes Can Be Corrected and Amended.

Reflect on the following:

- Do you sometimes wish that others suffer for their sins?
- What about criminals? Do they have to pay for their actions?
- Do you want sinners (e.g., criminals) to suffer?
- Do you still feel guilt over your past actions?
- Do you resent yourself for your existing character flaws?
- Does spiritual growth reduce the risk of making mistakes?
  
Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- You are responsible, not sinful.
- Your mistakes can be corrected.
- Your mistakes can be amended.

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Csaba - Step 8 (Excerpt) - 8.4

8.4, I Have Become Willing to Definitively Close the Past and Start a New Life.

For me, Steps 8-9 carry the promise of freedom. "We will know a new freedom and happiness," promises the Big Book on page 78. For example, I am free to make mistakes. In the previous section, it became clear to me that I have no sins, and I can correct and amend my mistakes at any time.  
Freedom also means I can start a new life whenever I want. I began to believe that making amends could be the start of a new life. I started practicing this. I observed how differently others think when they share about their real amends. How their lives have changed. How much happier and freer they are.

The book "The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions" states on page 81 that the desire to "purposefully forget" can obstruct the amends process. I want to forget, so I don’t want to disturb the past. It states:

"Although in some cases we cannot make amends at all, or it will come later, we must precisely and thoroughly examine our past to see how it has affected others. Sometimes it turns out that the harm done was not really significant, but the emotional damage done to ourselves is. The very deep spiritual conflicts— even if we forget them— lie hidden in our subconscious."

Thus, forgetting is not the solution. Only uncovering the past can yield results. And this must go down to the depths of the subconscious. However, my subconscious can be reprogrammed. This is what the program is about for me: realizing the new life.  
I can start a new life every day. Today is the beginning of a new life.

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Helper for Step 8.4:

8.4, I Am Willing to Completely Close the Past and Start a New Life.

Reflect on the following:

- Do real amends change our lives?
- Does the past bind us if we dare not uncover it?
- Do you still want to forget? Or would you rather begin the uncovering?
- Are those who have made the necessary amends freer?
- Do you want freedom?
- Are you willing to make amends?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- You can start a new life every day.
- Today is the beginning of a new life.


Csaba - Step 8 (Excerpt) - 8.5

8.5, I Have Examined Whether I Still Have Expectations of Others.

In my Step 3, I recognized that I cannot change others. And that it is not necessary. However, AA experiences show that two types of expectations (incorrect thoughts) can still arise concerning Step 8, which can hinder making direct amends:

- He also harmed me. Why doesn't he start making amends?
- If I make amends to him, I can expect him to forgive me!

Of course, both thoughts are erroneous, as they do not advance my spiritual development. What did I do to let go of these thoughts?

I.) I Expected the Other Party to Start the Amends.

This was quite childish behavior. There were other incorrect thoughts behind it that I managed to uncover from my subconscious. Among them:

- I can only give if I first receive something.
- I shouldn't be the one at fault!
- I shouldn't be the one to benefit!
- I need him to start for my self-esteem.
- After all, it's his fault.

Studying my list, I recognized that these thoughts were all due to my ego. So I began to practice the following:  

"I accept that making amends does not require the other to do the same."

II.) I Wanted to Extract Forgiveness from the Other Through Amends.

I thought that I could live a free and happy life only if everyone I had harmed forgave me. I imagined that if I made amends, it was the minimum for the other person to mutter a "I forgive you" or at least show that they no longer resent me, that they had already forgotten the many past grievances I caused.

Then I realized that this was an unrealistic expectation. Although forgiveness is good for spiritual growth (as I have experienced), I cannot expect anyone to forgive me immediately. This did not come to me overnight, either. However, my amends provide a wonderful opportunity for the other to forgive me—if they want to. If they do not want to, that is their business. I give my part, regardless of whether I get anything in return. For me, that is the essence. This is what fosters my spiritual peace. So I began to practice letting go:  
"I accept that the purpose of making amends is not to have the other person forgive."

To summarize the above:  

If I no longer hold expectations of others, then no one can have expectations of me! And this is true freedom...

Live and Let Live!


Helper for Step 8.5: 


8.5, I Examine Whether I Still Have Expectations of Others.

Reflect on the following:

- In your opinion, who should initiate the amends?
- Do amends harm or strengthen self-esteem?
- Is it good for you to provide someone with amends?
- Do you expect forgiveness from the person to whom you will provide amends?
- If you have expectations of others, will they do the same to you?
- What does the slogan "Live and Let Live" mean to you?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- Amends set you free.

Practice the following (or something similar):

- I accept that making amends does not require the other person to do the same.
- I accept that the purpose of making amends is not for the other person to forgive.


Csaba - Step 8 (Excerpt) - 8.6

8.6, I Recognize the Forms of Direct Amends.

I have previously established that in Steps 8-9, I am making efforts to restore, repay, and compensate for the (physical, spiritual, emotional, mental) harm caused by my wrong words and actions, as well as my omissions. I reflected on the various forms in which I can do this.

I reread Steps 8 and 9 in our literature. I observed what others reported in step meetings. Ultimately, I arrived at the following conclusions:

A) I Will Contact Them:

- I will approach them in person.
- I will message them and request a meeting.
- I will call them on the phone.
- I will write them a letter.
- I will reach out electronically (e.g., via Messenger).
- I will inquire about them (from others).
- I will think of them (pray for them, meditate on them).

B) I Admit to Them:

- that I made mistakes
- that I was wrong in my thinking
- that I spoke ill
- that I acted wrongly
- that I committed omissions
- that I caused (material, emotional) damage

C) I Reveal to Them the Value of the Damages:

- Material damage (monetary value)
- Physical damage (injury, loss)
- Spiritual damage (time, effort, lack of attention)
- Emotional damage (negative feelings: sadness, fear, anger, etc.)
- Spiritual damage (unhappiness, unrest, feelings of lack)

D) I Provide Them with Amends:

- I will repay the material damage (e.g., money)
- I will restore the physical damage (e.g., repairs)
- I will compensate for the loss (e.g., replacement)
- I will be with them (in person, on the phone, online, in thought)
- I will dedicate time to them (engage with them, help them, work for them)
- I will provide information (talk to them, share my experiences)
- I will support them (financially, spiritually, emotionally)
- I will organize joint activities (hobbies, recreation)
- I will apologize (if I see that they would like that)

So, there are many forms that amends can take. Our book "The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions" states on page 88:  

"It is not necessary to burden our victim with verbose self-condemnation, but it is important that amends always be direct and generous."

If you’d like, feel free to share in the comments what forms of direct amends you recognize!


Helper for Step 8.6:

8.6, I Recognize the Forms of Direct Amends.

Create Lists About:

- What forms of contact do you know?
- What mistakes do you plan to admit during the amends process?
- What type of damage did you cause with your mistakes?
- In what ways is it possible to make direct amends?


Csaba - Step 8

(Excerpt) - 8.7.  

8.7, I Recognized That Asking for Forgiveness Is Not Making Amends.

To be more precise: An apology cannot replace direct amends. Of course, there are situations in my life where an apology is appropriate. For example, if I make a mistake that causes harm to someone, then an immediate apology is warranted. The benefits of this are as follows:

- If I recognize that I made a mistake, I can correct it.
- I don’t carry the burden of my wrong behavior for too long.
- I make it clear to the other person that I’m not blaming them.
- I give the other person the opportunity to practice the uplifting gesture of forgiveness, thereby enabling their spiritual growth.

At the same time, I believe that an apology is not suitable for making direct amends for past harm because:

- It does not correct the flawed mindset.
- It does not remedy the damage caused.
- It does not result in useful communication.
- It can awaken feelings of guilt in us.
- It sets an expectation towards others.
- It makes the success of the steps dependent on someone else.
- It shifts the responsibility onto the other person. ("I did my part; if you don’t forgive, that’s your fault!")

The injured parties and the damages caused can be so diverse that making direct amends cannot be simplified into a two-word social formula, in my opinion.

Another question, of course, is that for someone who previously couldn’t apologize, being able to do so can be a significant achievement. But for me, this was not the subject of Steps 8-9, but rather Steps 4-5.

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Helper for Step 8.7:

8.7, I Recognize That Asking for Forgiveness Is Not Making Amends.  

Reflect on the following:

- In what cases is an immediate apology useful?
- Why is it not suitable for making amends for past harm?

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(Excerpt) - 8.8.  

8.8, I Have Created a Plan for Making Direct Amends.  

What have I done so far for the sake of amends?

1. I looked back at the past to see where I made mistakes.
2. I assessed whether I still resent anyone in the world.
3. I clearly saw that my mistakes can be corrected and made right.
4. I became willing to definitively close the past and start a new life.
5. I examined whether I still have expectations.
6. I recognized the forms of direct amends.
7. I realized that an apology is not making amends.

After this, all that was missing was a concrete plan for making direct amends. The step book states on page 85:

"After we have completed our list of those we have harmed, we weigh each grievance and strive to learn the proper behavior regarding future matters, it becomes clear that those who will need direct amends can be classified into several groups. There will be those with whom we need to make immediate contact as soon as our confidence in the durability of our sobriety strengthens. There will also be those for whom only partial amends can be made if we wish to avoid our unreserved openness doing more harm than good.

In other cases, action may need to be postponed, and there will be situations that inherently make direct personal contact impossible."

I took out my (electronic) table, which listed NAMES and the associated DAMAGES, and organized (or supplemented) them chronologically as follows:

1. Immediate contact (full or partial amends?)
2. Later contact (when?)
3. Action postponed (for how long?)
4. Impossible to make personal contact (other means?)


After this, I began to write in the third "PLAN" column what I intend to do:


- How I will contact them...
- How I will admit the damage caused and its extent...
- How I intend to make amends for this...


Helper for Step 8.8:

8.8, I Create a Plan for Making Direct Amends.  

Order your amends table chronologically based on:

1. With whom will you make immediate contact for full or partial amends?
2. With whom do you plan to make contact later? When?
3. Who will the action be postponed for? For how long?
4. With whom is personal contact impossible? Is there another way?

In the third (PLAN) column, write what you plan to do:

- How will you contact the person?
- How will you admit the damage caused and its extent?
- How do you intend to make amends for this?


Review Questions for Step 8 of AA


1. Are you willing to look back at the past to see where you made mistakes at the expense of others?
2. Do you still resent anyone in the world?
3. Have you forgiven your mother?
4. Do you clearly see that mistakes can always be corrected and made right?
5. Are you willing to definitively close the past and start a new life?
6. Do you accept that making amends does not require the other party to do the same?
7. Do you accept that the purpose of making amends is not for the other person to forgive?
8. Have you thought about the forms of direct amends?
9. Do you accept that an apology cannot replace making amends?
10. Have you created a chronological plan for making direct amends?