NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.1

Eighth Step

“We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Until now, the steps have primarily focused on cleaning up our own lives and restoring our relationship with our higher power, as we understood it. With the Eighth Step, we start involving others in our recovery process—people we hurt during our use, those we hurt in recovery, those we intended to hurt, or even accidentally harmed, those no longer in our lives, and those who will likely stay close to us for the rest of our lives.

8.1. Obstacles to Making Amends

In the Eighth Step, we identify the harm we caused. It doesn’t matter if we were driven by anger, acted irresponsibly, or out of fear. It doesn’t matter if our actions stemmed from selfishness, arrogance, dishonesty, or any other character defect. It doesn’t even matter if we caused the harm accidentally. The Eighth Step is about identifying all the harm we’ve caused.

There may be harm we cannot directly repair. It’s possible that we cannot personally make amends. It’s also possible we include harm on our Eighth Step list that we didn’t actually cause. Our sponsor will help us review this before we proceed to the Ninth Step. For now, our task is to identify those we’ve harmed, the harm caused, and become willing to make amends.

It’s natural to think about the Ninth Step and how we’ll make amends while working on the Eighth Step.

Focusing too much on how we’ll make amends can limit our work on the Eighth Step. Before we make our list, we may need to clear up some common misconceptions.

It’s great that we’ve already started repairing some relationships in our lives. Our family is probably happy that we’re no longer using drugs. Some harm we caused others may have disappeared as soon as we stopped using. If we kept our job or stayed in school, our performance has probably improved. We’re no longer harming coworkers, bosses, teachers, or classmates. But is that enough?

We may have heard in meetings that “making amends” means more than just saying “I’m sorry”; it’s about how we treat people now. This doesn’t mean that NA frowns on formal apologies. Direct, face-to-face, verbal amends can be incredibly powerful for our spiritual well-being and bring long-awaited relief to the person we’ve wronged. However, our peers emphasize that a half-hearted apology isn’t enough if we continue the behavior that caused the harm.

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.1.1

8.1.1. Hesitation

Some of us may feel a bit worn out, especially if our sponsor asked us to do thorough work on the first seven steps. We made an inventory of our behavior in the Fourth Step; we cataloged our character defects in the Sixth Step; now we must review these situations from another angle. It might feel like we’ve examined our lives and addiction from every perspective as we’ve worked through these steps. Is this really necessary? Aren’t we just punishing ourselves by revisiting the same things over and over?

No, we’re not punishing ourselves. The Eighth Step is the beginning of a process that helps us feel equal to others. Instead of feeling shame, guilt, or perpetual inferiority, we’ll be able to look people in the eye. We won’t need to avoid anyone. We won’t have to fear being caught and punished for some neglected responsibility. We’ll be free.

Am I hesitating in any way to work on the Eighth Step? Why?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.1.2

8.1.2. Rushing Ahead

Some of us take the opposite extreme with this step: we’re eager to “make everything right.” In doing so, we may unintentionally cause more harm. We rush ahead with confessions about infidelity to our partners and friends. We sit down with our family to share every detail of our addiction, confirming their worst fears about our past, with details that were previously kept mercifully hidden. In our enthusiasm, we lecture our children about our illness, explaining that we’re not responsible for it, but now we’re in recovery, which we love, and life will be wonderful from now on—forgetting all the empty promises we’ve made to them before. One day we walk into our boss’s office and announce that we’re addicts, we’ve embezzled large sums of money in various ways, but we’re very sorry and will never do it again.

While our experiences with rushing to make amends may not be this extreme, we certainly feel the weight of it: if we attempt to make amends without guidance from our sponsor and without a plan, we may end up causing more harm.

Do I recognize the importance of slowing down and consulting my sponsor before making amends? Have I ever caused more harm by rushing to make amends? What was that situation?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.1.3

8.1.3. Resentment

Some of us may still believe that we’re fundamentally nice people who haven’t harmed anyone, except ourselves. If we still can’t clearly see who should be on our amends list, or we suspect our family should be but aren’t sure why, we may have overlooked something or still be in denial. Sometimes we simply can’t recognize the truth of a situation, even after years in recovery.

One suggestion many of us follow is that if we think of someone we feel we owe amends to but can’t recall the exact situation, we write their name down on our list anyway. Sometimes the “why” becomes clear later. We should do our best with this step, call our sponsor, and keep working on our recovery. As the saying goes: “more will be revealed.” We must stay open so that when the knowledge comes to us, we’re able to receive it.

Finally, many of us put off starting this step because there are people we’re unwilling to make amends to. We resent them or are so afraid that we can’t even imagine approaching them. We need to start the step and list these people, even if we’re unsure we’ll ever be able to make amends. If making amends is truly unsafe, our sponsor will help us navigate the situation.

List the resentments that stand in the way of your willingness to make amends. Can I let go of these resentments now? If not, am I willing to put these names on my list and worry about making amends later? Are there people on my amends list who pose a threat to my safety or who deeply concern me in some way? What are my fears?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.2

8.2. The People We Harmed and How We Harmed Them

Before we start creating the list, we need to clarify what it means to harm someone. We should strive to understand all possible ways of causing harm to make our list thorough.

Some types of harm are obvious. One clear example is stealing money or other property from a person or a business. Additionally, many of us have no trouble recognizing harm in physical and emotional abuse.

Then there are cases where it's easy to recognize the harm but hard to identify who we harmed. For example, if we cheated on a school assignment, who did we harm? The teacher? The other students? Ourselves? Future students who will face a teacher's mistrust due to our dishonesty? The answer to this example is that we harmed all of them, even if indirectly. They all belong on our Eighth Step list.

Finally, we come to deeper forms of harm. These may be the most damaging because they strike at the most vulnerable part of the human heart. For example, we had a friend for years with whom we shared our feelings, personality, and trust. The relationship meant a lot to both of us, but then we withdrew for no reason—over some real or imagined slight—and never tried to renew the friendship. Losing a friend is painful enough, even when there is an explanation. Many of us have hurt others in this way. We shattered their trust, which may have taken years to heal. There's another version of this scenario: we may have let the other person take on the responsibility of ending the relationship, leaving them feeling unlovable when, in reality, we were just too lazy to maintain it.

There are many ways to cause deep emotional harm: neglect, withdrawal, exploitation, manipulation, and humiliation are just a few examples. Some of us who see ourselves as victims or kind people may find that we put others in a subordinate position while portraying ourselves as superior, exhibiting moral superiority. Some of us who are competitive and arrogant may add people to our Eighth Step list who offered us help or gestures of goodwill that we rejected.

Recognizing the types of harm we have caused can be challenging, especially when considering only the time before we stopped using. It's easier to admit the harm we caused during our active addiction. We were using drugs; we were different people. However, even during our recovery, we have hurt people—intentionally or not. We've probably all caused harm to those we share our recovery with, like other NA members.

Common examples include gossiping about them, shutting them out, reacting indifferently to their pain, obstructing a sponsor-sponsee relationship, trying to control a sponsee's behavior, being ungrateful to our sponsor, stealing Seventh Tradition funds, manipulating others in a service dispute by flaunting our clean time to appear credible, or sexually exploiting a newcomer. Many of us find it difficult to add these actions to our Eighth Step list because the thought of making amends feels uncomfortable.

We hold ourselves to a higher standard of behavior in NA, and we believe others expect more from us. While it's true that our fellow NA members are likely to be especially forgiving because they understand what we're going through, we still don't need to worry about the Ninth Step yet.


NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.2.1

8.2.1. Making a List

The first thing to know is that it's not enough to keep this list in our heads. We must write it down, listing the people we have harmed and how we harmed them. Once it's written, it's harder to forget anyone or deny the need for certain amends. If, for some reason, we can't use paper, we can use a voice recorder or another method that our sponsor agrees will help us make the most of this step.

When we're ready to start our list, we sit down and recall what we've learned about harm, then begin writing. Some names will come to mind immediately. Others will surface as we think through the different ways we've caused harm. We'll definitely need to review our Fourth Step and extract any useful information.

We should include every name and situation we can remember, even if we suspect our sponsor will say we don't owe amends for a particular instance. It's usually better to remove names from the list—after reviewing it with our sponsor—than to wonder who else should have been added. There may be times when we remember the situation in which we caused harm but not the names of the people involved. We can at least add the event to the list.

Listing ourselves may feel uncomfortable for some of us. We might have heard early in our recovery that making amends to ourselves is selfish and that we should focus on those we've harmed. As a result, the idea of making amends to ourselves can be confusing. Some of us might have thought that making amends to ourselves was a form of self-reward, perhaps for being clean or for other accomplishments.

Maybe we tried buying things we couldn't afford or indulging in other compulsions. In reality, we make amends to ourselves by stopping irresponsible and destructive behavior. We need to recognize the ways in which we harm ourselves—whether by not taking responsibility for our own lives or by damaging our self-image, health, finances, etc.—and add ourselves to the list.

There’s a sensitive situation that many of us have had to face: what if we harmed our sponsor without their knowing, and they're likely to find out when we review the list? In such cases, we can turn to another member whose recovery we respect, perhaps our sponsor's sponsor.

I list the people I've harmed and the specific ways I harmed them in each case.

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.2.2

8.2.2. Becoming Willing

Now that we've completed the list or added new names to the one we made during our first work on the Eighth Step, it's time to become willing to make amends. To do this, we need to understand at least a little about what making amends means. Earlier in this guide, we mentioned that more is needed than just changing our behavior, although some of us may fear we're incapable of change. We're being honest. We want to avoid repeating old behaviors, but we remember the times we made promises before. Didn't we set ourselves up to behave the same way again? This is when we truly need to believe in our recovery. It doesn't matter how long we've been clean or the mistakes we're making amends for. We must believe that our Higher Power, as we understand it, will give us the ability and strength to change.

Why isn't saying "I'm sorry" enough to repair the harm we've caused?
Why isn't changing our behavior enough to repair the harm we've caused?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.2.3

8.2.3. Financial Amends

It's very rare that we don't owe at least some material amends. This could be to people we stole from, those who lent us money we never repaid, businesses, or financial institutions. We know that making amends deprives us of money we would rather keep for ourselves. It may take time to appreciate the deep internal freedom that comes from paying off these debts and the willingness required to make amends. It can help to ask our Higher Power for the willingness to make these amends.

Is there a material amends I don't want to make?

What would my life look like if I had already made these amends?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.2.4

8.2.4. FORGIVENESS

Some amends are to people who have also hurt us. These are usually the hardest amends to be willing to make. It seems like whenever these amends come up, we get angry thinking about what they did to us, and we forget all about making amends. However, our recovery requires us to practice the spiritual principle of forgiveness. With prayer or any other external help, we can find within ourselves the ability to forgive those who have harmed us.

Do I owe amends to people who have hurt me?

What am I doing to become willing to make these amends?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.2.5

8.2.5. KEEPING THE LIST UPDATED

There may be amends on our list that we can't even imagine making. Perhaps we are not willing enough yet, and we pray for willingness. We can't imagine feeling any compassion for those to whom we owe these amends. In such cases, we simply leave those amends on our list. We don't have to make all our amends in one day—or even within a set time. It might take a while before we become willing to make some of these amends.

Every time we look at our Eighth Step list, we need to ask ourselves if we've become willing to make a specific amends. If not, we can re-examine our list periodically.

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.3.1

8.3. Spiritual Principles

In the Eighth Step, we focus on honesty, courage, willingness, and compassion.

8.3.1. HONESTY

We must draw from our experiences in the previous steps to practice the principle of honesty in the Eighth Step. We've admitted the nature of our problem—our addiction—and accepted the solution. That was an act of honesty. We've taken a deep and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, thereby practicing our newfound honesty. To eliminate the nature of our wrongs, we had to practice honesty on a deeper level.

So now, we are able to separate our part from others' in various situations. We need to apply this level of honesty in the Eighth Step. We must forget resentments, stop blaming others, drop the innocent victim role, and avoid making excuses for the harms we've caused. Just put it on the list!

How can recognizing the true nature of our wrongs help in the Eighth Step? Why is it essential to be aware of our own responsibility?

What are my experiences with honesty (give a few examples) from previous steps? How can I use this experience in this step?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.3.2

8.3.2. COURAGE

We must trust in God’s care to practice the principle of courage in the Eighth Step. We can't limit our list to amends we think will have a good outcome. We need to trust that our Higher Power will provide us with spiritual strength, humility, inner power, and whatever else will help us with our amends. If we must face someone and are afraid of what we’ll feel, or if we have to accept the consequences of a crime we committed, with the help of our Higher Power, we will be able to handle it.

What are my experiences with courage (give a few examples) from previous steps? How can I use this experience in this step?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.3.3

8.3.3. WILLINGNESS

We've already talked about how willingness is emphasized in this step, particularly becoming willing to make amends. But we also need a certain degree of willingness just to work on this step, even if it's not yet about making amends. First, we need to be willing to make the list. It doesn't matter how we feel about putting certain names on the list—we must be willing to do it. We also need willingness to practice the additional spiritual principles associated with this step.

Are there any names I haven’t added to my list yet? Am I willing to add them now? Is my list complete?

What actions have I taken to increase my willingness? How do I feel about praying for willingness?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.3.4

8.3.4. COMPASSION

At this point in our recovery, it’s possible to develop a compassionate spirit. During our work on the previous steps, we were too caught up in resentments, blame, and self-pity to think about others. Now, with the ability to view ourselves as average human beings, we can start to see that other people are also doing the best they can. We know that people face doubts and uncertainties, just like we do. We understand that sometimes we speak before thinking, just like others do, and we realize they regret it as much as we do.

We know we can misunderstand situations and either overreact or underreact. As a result, when we now see others acting out of character defects, we tend to feel compassion rather than frustration or anger, because we understand why they are acting that way in the given situation. Our hearts are full when we realize that others have the same dreams, fears, passions, and faults as we do.

Have I begun to notice how I relate to others? How?

Have I started showing empathy and compassion toward others? How?

NA - Step 8 - Chapter 8.4

8.4. MOVING FORWARD


It is important that we discuss each and every amends on our list with our sponsor. It doesn't matter how long we've been clean or how much experience we have with making amends. We all tend to misjudge situations when working alone, but often, by looking at them from a different perspective, we can see things much more clearly. We need our sponsor's insight. We need our sponsor's encouragement. We need our sponsor's perspective and hope.

It's amazing how a simple conversation with our sponsor can highlight the inner strength within us. When we remove distractions and uncover the solid core of inner peace, humility, and forgiveness, we are ready for the Ninth Step.