Csaba - Step 4
(excerpt) - 4.0

In order to move forward, I would like to share with you how I took Step 4:

- I reviewed the materials of my first three steps once again.
- I reaffirmed two important decisions within myself:

   1. I am willing to trust God with the direction of my life.
   2. I need to change my way of thinking.

- I re-read the material on Step 4 in the Big Book (pages 60-67).
- I read Step 4 in our 12/12 book.
- I attended many meetings where Step 4 was discussed.
- I had many conversations with my sponsor about Step 4.

Finally:

4. I THOROUGHLY AND COURAGEOUSLY MADE A MORAL INVENTORY OF MYSELF.

As part of this, I:

1. Overcame the thought that my character defects were caused by drinking and that, without drinking, I would have no problems.
2. Overcame the thought that others were the cause of my problems.
3. Took inventory of my resentments (anger list).
4. Forgave myself.
5. Forgave my mother.
6. Forgave all people.
7. Forgave all groups, offices, and institutions.
8. Began to recognize the negative emotions behind my bad feelings.
9. Took inventory of my fears and anxieties (fear list).
10. Began identifying the negative thoughts surrounding my negative emotions.
11. Began to let go of negative thinking patterns and attitudes.
12. Realized that I am not the same as my thoughts – thoughts just come and go, and they have no significance.

I will detail these points further in the following sections.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.0 section:

4. Thoroughly and courageously make a moral inventory of myself.

Above all:

- Review the materials of your first three steps again!
- Reaffirm the following within yourself:

   1. Are you willing to fundamentally change your way of thinking?
   2. Are you willing to trust God with the direction of your life?

- Re-read the material on Step 4 in the Big Book (pages 60-67).
- Read Step 4 in our 12/12 book.
- Attend meetings where Step 4 is discussed.
- Talk with your sponsor or peers about Step 4.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.1

4.1. I OVERCAME THE THOUGHT THAT MY CHARACTER DEFECTS WERE CAUSED BY DRINKING AND THAT, WITHOUT DRINKING, I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEMS.

As I began Step 4 and re-read Step 4 in the Step Book, I decided to first identify the factors that might prevent me from taking this step. What excuses might I use to avoid making an inventory of myself?

The book says: "We will proudly proclaim how good our lives were before alcohol took us down. We will claim that our character defects – if we even admit to having any – were primarily caused by excessive drinking. From this, we conclude that we must strive for sobriety first, last, and always. We believe that as soon as we stop drinking, our former virtuous character will be restored. After all, if we were decent people except for the drinking, why should we now delve into the past when we are already sober?"

Through the first three steps, I had already realized that my most important task was to change my ego-centric way of thinking. Spiritual growth is what I need to strive for. Just staying sober is not enough. And it’s not advisable either, because:

1. Without spiritual growth, staying sober is not true sobriety; it’s just being dry. I have heard this from others in AA.
2. Almost all of my life’s problems were caused by my ego-centrism. Alcohol was just the icing on the cake, a substance I used to try to mask my ego-driven problems.

In the end, I agreed with those in the fellowship who kept saying, "If I take my problems as being one meter in length, 10 centimeters of that is alcohol. The rest is me!"

So, to "get sober," I need spiritual growth. And for that, Step 4 – the inventory – is essential.


<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.1 section:

4.1. I overcome the thought that my character defects were caused by drinking, and that, without drinking, I would have no problems.

Write down (or reflect on):

- What excuses do people make to avoid self-examination?
- Did you have similar excuses that hindered you from making an inventory?
- To what extent were your problems caused by drinking and to what extent by your ego?
- Does spiritual growth generally lead to inner peace?
- Is self-examination necessary for spiritual growth?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- Ego-centered thinking causes more problems and suffering than drinking itself.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.2

4.2. I OVERCAME THE THOUGHT THAT OTHERS CAUSED MY PROBLEMS.

The Step Book says on page 46:

"We will find other excuses to avoid taking inventory. Clearly, our anxieties and troubles are caused by others: they are the ones who truly need to do a moral reckoning! We firmly believe that if others treat us better, everything will turn out fine. The guilty ones are not us, but them."

In meetings, I heard, "Don't do someone else's Step 4, do your own." It’s easy to find fault in others, but likely I have plenty myself.

I also heard at a meeting that when you point a finger at someone else, blaming them, one finger points at them while three fingers point back at you. It made me think...

Jesus said something similar: "Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" [Matthew 7:4].

And after re-reading page 59 of the Big Book, which I already worked through in Step 3, I reaffirmed the thought that: "Selfishness – self-centeredness! We think this is the root of all our troubles... so our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making."

Well, if my troubles come from within, I need to dig deep. It’s time to start the inventory.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.2 section:

4.2. I overcome the thought that others caused my problems.

Write down (or reflect on):

- What proves that others make more mistakes than you?
- What supports the idea that others’ mistakes are worse than yours?
- Is it possible that your mistakes cause no problems for anyone?
- Is it true that your problems are mostly the result of others’ mistakes rather than your own?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- Your troubles mainly come from within.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.3

4.3. I TOOK INVENTORY OF MY RESENTMENTS (ANGER LIST).

The Big Book says about inventory on page 61:

"Essentially, a business inventory is a fact-finding and fact-establishing process. It's an effort to determine the current state of the stock. [...] We did the same with our lives. We conducted an honest inventory. First, we took stock of the character defects that had caused our failures. Having realized that the various manifestations of the 'self' had defeated us, we reviewed these manifestations. Resentment was the 'chief offender.' It destroys most alcoholics more than anything else. It is the source of spiritual illness because we were not only mentally and physically ill but spiritually as well. When we managed to overcome the spiritual illness, we became stronger mentally and physically. We made a list of our resentments. We wrote down on a piece of paper the people, institutions, or principles we were angry with. We asked ourselves why we were angry with them. In most cases, we found that they had hurt or threatened our self-esteem, financial security, ambitions, or personal — including sexual — relationships. That’s why we felt hurt; that's what 'triggered' us so much." (Sorry for the long quote, but it's really needed here!)

I made my table, just like on page 62 of the Big Book. Now — for privacy reasons — I won't copy it here, but the gist is that, interestingly, the people on the list were those closest to me. My mother, who 'always wants to control me.' My ex-wife, who 'wasn't understanding enough.' My former boss, who fired me. My former business partner, who didn't pay me for a job, etc. And of course, I was also on my own list, as I had reasons to resent myself as well.

The people on my anger list mostly hurt my self-esteem. They damaged my sense of self-worth. In other words — practically — my ego felt attacked. My self-centered thinking is what fuels the anger within me. But how can I let go of resentments? My sponsor said: Well, through forgiveness!

I'll write more about this next...


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.3:

4.3. I inventory my resentments (anger list).

Write down (reflect on):

· Who are the people you resent the most?
· What organizations or institutions would you most like to abolish?
· What social phenomena, ideologies, worldviews can't you stand?
· What (financial, moral, social) harm have these caused you?
· Which of your relationships have they damaged or ruined?
· Which of your plans have they thwarted or endangered?
· How have they hurt your self-esteem, your sense of self-worth, your ego?

Write down any experiences that support the following ideas:

· The desire for revenge (though sweet) is not a solution.
· Anger poisons your soul.
· Resentment causes suffering. And mostly for you.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.4.

4.4. I FORGAVE MYSELF.

Forgiving myself was practically laid down during the first 3 steps.

After completing the 1st step, Shame vanished from within me:

- Before, I used to think: "I'm crazy. I'm defective."
- After, I thought: "I am powerless. I am sick. But I have received grace!"

After completing the 2nd step, Guilt vanished from within me:

- Before, I used to think: "I made myself sick. I destroyed my environment, my family."
- After, I thought: "Neither I nor anyone else is to blame for my illness. The Higher Powers know the reasons."

After completing the 3rd step, Self-pity vanished from within me:

- Before, I used to think: "I've ruined my life. I've lost everything. There's no more chance for me. It didn't turn out the way I wanted."
- After, I thought: "It's not about what I want. There is no real loss in life. You can always start over! God takes care of me; the key is that I grow spiritually."

In the 4th step, my belief strengthened that I am not guilty. I can make mistakes! I never have to feel shame or guilt again. I never have to resent myself again!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.4:

4.4. I forgive myself.

Write down (reflect on):

· Do you still feel shame about your past actions? Do you want grace?
· Do you still feel guilt? How could you resolve it?
· How do you feel about self-pity? And what is your relationship with God?
· Do you think sins demand retribution?
· Do you feel you haven't suffered enough yet?

Write down any experiences that support the following ideas:

· Everyone can make mistakes. Including you.
· Mistakes can be corrected, so there's no need to suffer for them.
· Your mistakes can also be corrected, so you don’t need to suffer for them.

Practice the following (or something similar):

· God, forgive my mistakes, and help me forgive them in myself!

When a faulty action of yours comes to mind, say to yourself:

· I don’t regret doing that...
· At the time, it seemed like a good idea...

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.4.

4.4. I FORGAVE MY MOTHER.

I am not guilty. I can make mistakes! I never have to feel shame or guilt again. I never have to resent myself again! – So this is where I stand when I look at my list of resentments, and I see my mother at the top. (My father passed away when I was 17; he is only near the end of my list.)

My mother is at the top of my list, who argues with me, wants to control me, and drains my energy with her negative thinking. She starts every sentence with, "Son, why don't you...!"

So, how could I possibly forgive her?
I no longer think that she is to blame for my alcohol problems. Since Step 2, I’ve known that no one is responsible for that—not even me. "Up above" they know why this was good for me.

I don't even need to think that she intentionally wanted to harm me. When I consider what intentions and thoughts she might have had as a mother, with a little empathy, I have to admit that she never wanted anything other than to be a good mother.
The fact that sometimes she thinks wrongly? Well, who doesn’t? Who doesn't have unhealthy thoughts? Including myself?
Is my mother guilty? No!

Did she make mistakes? Most definitely!
Do I need to resent her for them? Absolutely not!

So, what should I do to ease the tension in our relationship? I try not to react to her attempts to control me. I’ve started practicing letting her comments and her "why don't you" sentences go in one ear and out the other. At first, she resisted a little. Then I said to her:
"Mom, I simply can’t answer questions that start with 'why don't you!' And I don’t want to either!"

After a while, our relationship started to improve, thanks to the fact that I forgave her from the bottom of my heart once I realized that she didn’t actually harm me. I always harmed myself, mostly emotionally.

To help with forgiveness, I started collecting my mother’s good qualities in my mind. I started to love her for these. In the evenings, I would sit on the edge of the bed, close my eyes, and think of her. I saw her smiling, happy. In my thoughts, I hugged her. I love her!


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.5:

4.5 I forgive my mother.

Write down (or reflect on):

· Do you resent your mother (or either parent)?
· How much do her actions stem from:

- her role as a mother (parent)?
- her upbringing?
- societal expectations?
- misunderstood good intentions?
- unhealthy thoughts that are not her fault?
· Would you consider her guilty? And if yes, why not?
· Does she have good qualities? List them!
· Do you have to resent her for the mistakes she made?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

· She is lovable despite her mistakes.

Think of your mother and repeat the following (or something similar) to yourself:

· Mom, I forgive you for all your mistakes.
· Mom, I know that you are good and lovable.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.6.

4.6 I HAVE FORGIVEN EVERYONE.

Freeing myself from resentment is essential for me. On page 63 of our Big Book, I read this:

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics, these things are poison.”

So, I have to free myself from it. But how? My sponsor suggested that I forgive everyone who has ever harmed me, or at least whom I feel has harmed me. I should forgive those who have ever hurt me, or at least those I feel have hurt me. In fact, I can even forgive those who will hurt me in the future!

Okay, but how can I forgive? What is forgiveness, anyway? I looked it up in the dictionary:

Forgive:

1. To be willing to forget or consider as nothing something that caused discomfort.
2. To end hostile feelings toward someone; to stop holding a wrong or hurt against someone personally.

So this is what I need to do. But how?! At the bottom of page 63, the Big Book says:

“We asked God to help us show the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, ‘This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.’”

So I started practicing, programming (repeating multiple times a day) the following:

1. I turn with compassion and understanding toward all those who are mentally, spiritually, or physically sick.
2. I forgive without exception everyone who has ever offended me, and I wish them health, happiness, and all the joys of life.
3. Whenever someone’s name who hurt me comes to mind, I think: "I forgive you. All the joys of life are yours. You are free, and I am free."
4. After forgiveness, love, peace, and tranquility fill my heart.
5. Everything is fine in my world.

Lately—after reading *A Course in Miracles*—I’ve been saying to myself, when I meet someone or see someone on the street:

“My brother, I look at you with the eyes of Christ, and I see in you my own perfect innocence.”


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.6:

4.6 I forgive everyone.

Write down (or reflect on):

· Is there a risk of relapse if you don’t grow spiritually?
· Can you grow spiritually when you feel bad?
· Do you feel good when you resent someone?
· Is it your job to punish the guilty?
· Are the people on your "anger list" guilty?
· Are you willing to try to understand those who have hurt you?
· Are you willing to release your desire for revenge regarding their mistakes?
· Are people generally guilty?
· Are you willing to let go of any vengeful feelings for your own peace of mind?
· If others are guilty, then you must be guilty too. Do you understand that?
· If you consider others innocent, then you cannot be guilty either. Is this clear?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

· When you forgive someone, love and peace enter your heart.

Think of someone you resent and repeat to yourself the following (or something similar):

· I forgive you. All the joys of life are yours. You are free, and I am free.
· I know that you are good and lovable because everyone is good and lovable.
· My brother! I look at you with the eyes of Christ, and I see my own perfect innocence in you.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.7.

4.7 I HAVE FORGIVEN EVERY GROUP, OFFICE, AND INSTITUTION.

The big book states on page 61 in the third paragraph:

"We made a list of our resentments. We wrote down on a piece of paper the people, institutions, or principles that we were very angry at. We asked ourselves why we were angry with them."

So I can include institutions and principles on my list of anger. In fact, I have to include them if I'm resentful towards them. Moreover, I also have to forgive them.

I worked in public administration for a long time. Generally, I supported the work of the current governments and offices. Therefore, I often got angry at the opposition parties and those who criticized the activities of the then-current government. But I had to realize that my resentment does not advance the matters in any way. The world will not get better because I am angry. However, my own life will certainly become more bitter. And of course, I also had to acknowledge that in many cases, there was truth in what the other side said or did.

I generally consider myself to have a liberal value system. Because of this, I often got angry at conservative thinking and conservative-minded people. But I had to realize that this is just another worldview, like liberalism, socialism, or communism. None of them is inherently "better" than the other. I cannot feel "superior" just because I hold certain views. There can be equally true or good elements in the worldviews of others. And there are!

For a long time, I was also angry at those people who had limited knowledge and therefore spread misconceptions. Or at least I thought that their opinions were misconceptions. I thought this simply because I had certain ideas about the topic, and they didn’t match those of others. But I had to realize that just because someone thinks differently about a topic doesn’t necessarily mean that they are mistaken. And even if they are mistaken, meaning I am right, they can still be good people. And they are!

Everyone is good!


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.7:

4.7. I forgive every group, office, institution.

Write down (think about) who you are angry with just because they have a different religion?

- Who are you angry with just because they have a different nationality?
- Who are you angry with just because they have a different gender identity or orientation?
- Who are you angry with just because they have a different worldview?
- Who are you angry with just because they have a different political stance?
- Who are you angry with just because they have a different lifestyle?
- Who are you angry with just because they are different?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- Just because people think differently doesn’t mean they can’t be good people.
- Just because some do not "play on our team," they can still be loved.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.8.

4.8. I STARTED TO RECOGNIZE THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS BEHIND MY BAD FEELINGS.

After I completed the inventory of my resentments and forgave everyone, I continued with the moral (spiritual) inventory.
Previously, I had many discussions with my sponsor about why I drank. During these conversations, several phases of my alcohol addiction became clearer to me:

1. At first, I only drank to feel good, or to not feel bad. By the way, because of my alcohol sensitivity (alcoholism), alcohol had a very positive effect on me. It suddenly and significantly lifted my mood.
2. Then I drank because others were drinking, and I wanted to be part of the good company.
3. Later, I drank out of habit as well. After dinner, while walking the dog, before, during, and after working hours.
4. Finally, I drank because I had to. If I couldn’t drink when I needed to, I felt like I would die.

By the time I reached Step 4 in the Program, most of my dependencies had ceased:

The physical dependency had disappeared: I no longer needed to drink!
The habitual drinking was gone: I no longer automatically reached for beer after dinner, and I could watch TV without drinking.
My social dependency had ended: I could go to social gatherings without drinking and didn’t think that parties required alcohol.

However, I still often felt bad. I also realized that I was in danger as long as I couldn't feel good without alcohol. After all, I fundamentally used my "substance" to:

- Cover my negative feelings (so I wouldn’t feel bad)
- Trigger positive feelings within myself (so I would feel good)

But what causes me to have negative or positive feelings? What makes me feel good or bad? Well, it's my emotions and thoughts. Therefore, my sponsor suggested that I start addressing my emotions. The first step was to make an inventory of my most common emotional states.
I started to do that. I looked into what emotions exist at all. I reread the self-assessment questions on pages 51-54 of our book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions." I delved a little into psychology (basic emotions) and religious concepts (seven deadly sins) as well. I read various spiritual books. I found them useful. Gradually, it became clear to me where I stood on the emotional (Hawkins) scale.

It turned out that I very rarely felt shame, guilt, and self-pity since I completed the first three steps. There was no resentment, anger, hatred, or vengefulness in me anymore, thanks to the fact that in the previous step sections, I had forgiven myself, my mother, everyone, and every institution.
I sometimes experienced feelings of sadness, apathy, and gloominess. Occasionally, unwarranted pride would rear its head. However, I often felt loneliness and isolation. Sometimes, I noticed a longing for certain things. On the other hand, my entire life was practically permeated by fear and anxiety. And accordingly, I often felt spiritual suffering. The Big Book also deals specifically with fear, so I dedicated a separate step section to it.


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.8:

4.8. I start to recognize the negative emotions behind my bad feelings.

Write down (think about) whether:

- Do you still feel physical dependence on alcohol?
- Do your drinking-related habits still pop up?
- Are you still envious of those who "can drink"?
- Do you still miss alcohol in order to really feel good?
- Do you sometimes feel shame? When was the last time you felt it?
- Do you sometimes feel guilt or remorse? In what situations?
- Do you sometimes feel apathy? When did you last feel it?
- Do you sometimes feel fear or anxiety? How do you manage your anxiety?
- Do you sometimes suffer from loneliness? Depression? What do you do in such cases?
- Do you sometimes strongly long for something? What are the main objects of your desires?
- Do you sometimes feel angry? When and who were you last angry with?
- How do you feel about pride? Is there a time when it is unwarranted?

Write down any experience that supports the idea that:

- Negative emotions cause a lot of suffering.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.9.

4.9. I INVENTORIED MY FEARS AND ANXIETIES (FEAR LIST)

The Big Book states on page 64:

"We thoroughly examined our fears. We wrote them down on a piece of paper, even though we had no resentment towards them. We asked ourselves why these fears live within us."

Well, let’s see what I was afraid of at that time:

- That I would lose my job and wouldn’t have enough money.
- That I would be kicked out of my rented apartment and end up on the street.
- That my family members and friends would give up on me.
- That I wouldn’t be able to get by without alcohol.
- That unexpected things would happen.
- That I would never be happy again.
- That I would get sick and die.

These fears generally took the form of the following thoughts in me.

- What will happen to me now?
- What will happen if I lose that too?
- What will happen if they leave me too?
- My future is completely hopeless.
- I will always owe others.
- What will happen if things don’t go well?
- What will happen if I get sick?
- What will happen if I die?

Then, I read the solution to my problems on the same page of the Big Book:

"Is there a better solution? We believe there is. After all, we are standing on different grounds: based on trust in God and reliance on Him. We trust in the infinite God, not in finite ourselves. We are in the world to play the role designated by Him. To the extent that we act and think according to His wishes, and as humbly as we entrust ourselves to Him, to that extent, He will empower us to find joy alongside misfortune."

So be it!

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Guide for Step 4.9:

4.9. I inventory my fears and anxieties (fear list):

Write down (think about) what:

- What fears are within you? What do you fear?
- What thoughts surround these fears?
- Why do these fears live within you?

Write down any experience that supports the idea that:

- Trusting in God’s will removes our fears.
- Love and fear exclude each other.

Csaba - Step 4

(excerpt) - 4.10.

4.10. I STARTED TO IDENTIFY THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS SURROUNDING MY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.

In order to change my negative emotions, I had to reach a point where the thoughts accompanying these emotions changed as well. But first, I needed to become aware of what thoughts were spinning in my head when I experienced negative emotions. Here’s what I came to:

SHAME, HUMILIATION:

- I am crazy.
- I am worthless.
- I am the bottom of society.
- It was a mistake for me to be born.
- It would be best to die.

GUILT, SELF-PITY:

- I am guilty.
- I made myself sick.
- I ruined my environment.
- I caused harm to others.
- I messed up something terribly.
- I am pitiable.

APATHY, DESPAIR:

- Why did I do such things?
- I ruined my life.
- I have lost everything.
- I haven't achieved anything.
- I have no more opportunities.
- It didn’t turn out the way I wanted.
- I don’t know where I went wrong.
- My past hinders me, holds me back.

SADNESS, GRIEF:

- I am sad.
- No one understands me.
- No one loves me.
- I am not important to anyone.
- I am different from others.
- I am lonely.

FEAR, ANXIETY:

- What will happen to me now?
- What if I lose that too?
- What if they leave me too?
- My future is completely hopeless.
- I will forever owe others.
- What if things don’t turn out well?
- What if I die?

LONGING:

- I will never get that now.
- I will never be able to do that.
- I need one of those!
- I need to be understood.
- I need to be loved.
- I must win!
- I need to be right.

ANGER:

- They want bad things for me.
- They hurt me.
- Everyone is against me.
- I will show them!
- They will get this back!
- Why aren’t they doing what they should?
- They should do what I say.

UNWARRANTED PRIDE:

- I am proud of my achievements.
- They will come to me!
- I will solve the problem!
- I am better than others.
- I am good as I am.
- I will not change.
- I know this better!


Guide for Step 4.10:

4.10 I begin to identify the negative thoughts surrounding negative emotions.  

Write down (think about) the following:

- What might be the connection between emotions and thoughts?
- Are there habitual thought patterns that accompany certain emotions?
- What thoughts are associated with the emotions you discovered earlier?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- Similar emotions are associated with similar thoughts. And vice versa.

Csaba - Step 4 (excerpt) - 4.10 - continuation

Before I continue to reiterate my steps, I would like to show you a questionnaire I created, which can help you assess the current thought content of your mind. This is related to Step 4.10.

Csaba - Step 4 (excerpt) - 4.11.

4.11 I HAVE STARTED TO LET GO OF NEGATIVE THINKING PATTERNS AND ATTITUDES.

After I became aware of what thoughts were spinning in my head when I experienced negative emotions, I tried to list the positive thoughts I wanted to experience instead. This method is also known in cognitive psychology as the Two-Column Technique. Here’s how my list turned out (briefly):

Shame, Humiliation:

- Negative - I am crazy. I am worthless.  
- Positive - I am sick, but I have received grace.

Guilt, Self-Pity:

- Negative - I made myself sick. I ruined my environment.  
- Positive - I did not cause my illness. I am not guilty.

Grief, Apathy, Despair:

- Negative - I ruined my life. I have lost everything. I have no more opportunities. It didn’t turn out the way I wanted.  
- Positive - There is no real loss in life. I can always start over! What I want is not important. God takes care of me.

Loneliness, Isolation:

- Negative - No one understands me. No one loves me. I am different from others. I am lonely.  
- Positive - I have companions who understand and love me. Everyone is lovable. Everyone is equal. I understand everyone.

Fear, Anxiety:

- Negative - Why did I do such things? What will happen to me now? My past hinders me, holds me back. My future is completely hopeless.  
- Positive - The past is already gone. Nothing will happen in the future. Everything happens now!

Longing:

- Negative - I will never get that now. I need to be loved. I need to be right.  
- Positive - External things do not bring happiness. I don’t need to be right. I need to love others.

Anger:

- Negative - They want bad things for me. They hurt me. I will show them! They should do what I say.  
- Positive - No one wants bad things for me. Others are sick, crazy, ignorant. Others can also be good, smart, lovable.

Unwarranted Pride:

- Negative - I am proud of my achievements. Why doesn’t he start the forgiveness? I will solve the problem!  
- Positive - Only God deserves the glory. There is no “I,” there is no problem.

After that, based on the "Act as if" principle from AA, I started to practice positive thoughts. Thanks to the program, I thought these more often and the negatives less frequently.

Additionally, I also created an attitude inventory based on David R. Hawkins’ book *Power vs. Force*. The inventory revealed that my main negative attitudes are as follows:

- combative
- hard
- competitive
- guilty
- pitying
- dependent
- obligated
- possessive
- law-abiding

I looked up their positive counterparts and began to practice them daily:

- I am honest, not law-abiding!
- I am peaceful, not combative!
- I am trusting, not dependent!
- I am compassionate, not pitying!
- I am responsible, not guilty!
- I am gentle, not hard!
- I am grateful, not obligated!
- I am a fighter, not competitive!
- I am existent, not possessive!


Guide for Step 4.11:

4.11 I begin to let go of negative thinking patterns and attitudes.  

Write down (think about) the following:

- Does a negative attitude (attitude) more often result in negative thoughts?
- Can positive thinking help suppress negative thoughts?
- Is there a positive counterpart to every negative thought?
- How could you replace your negative thoughts with better ones?
- Could you apply this to every bad thought? Would you try?
- And could you find the correct counterparts to your incorrect attitudes? Would you try?
- Can a more positive mindset be strengthened through practice?

Write down any experiences that support the idea that:

- A positive attitude can help suppress negative emotions.
- Mastering every positive thing is only a matter of practice.

Create your attitude inventory and start practicing (something like this, with your own examples):

- I am peaceful, not combative!
- I am a fighter, not competitive!
- I am responsible, not guilty!
- I am trusting, not dependent!


For your assistance, I am attaching an Excel file that you can use to test your own attitudes. One Excel sheet contains the test itself, and the other contains the attitude pairs based on Hawkins' mentioned book. After you complete the test, you can check in the gray c) column whether your characteristic attitude is positive (1) or negative (-1). I wish you good testing and practice!

Download
Online View


Csaba - Step 4 (excerpt) - 4.12.


4.12. I REALIZED THAT I AM NOT IDENTICAL TO MY THOUGHTS – THOUGHTS COME AND GO, THEY HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE.

I have not identified myself with the emotions that arise within me for a long time. I didn’t think that when I feel fear or anger, it would be an essential part of my being. It is simply an emotion that arises and creates a bad feeling in me. 
Then I began to realize that fear or anger is often triggered by negative thoughts in my mind. After that, I also realized that I do not need to identify with these thoughts since they have no basis in reality. They arise in my mind simply because I am thinking incorrectly, because my thinking is still self-centered.

As I began to let go of negative thinking and attitudes, and started to develop positive attitudes instead, the thoughts that arose in my mind began to become more positive. 

As I was increasingly able to live in "Just for today," the thoughts of anxiety and depression faded away. 
As I became more capable of "Living and letting live," not judging, not labeling, the angry and hostile thoughts began to fade. 
As I became increasingly able to be a "grateful alcoholic," the thoughts of longing dissipated. 
As I became more forgiving and able to love unconditionally, the thoughts of loneliness and separation ceased. 
Finally, I realized that it is not the situations that make me unhappy, but the (unwanted) thoughts that do. As I became aware of the insignificance of thoughts, I began to understand what serenity is, and I felt a sense of inner peace more and more often.


Guide for Step 4.12:

4.12. I realize that I am not identical to my thoughts; thoughts come and go, and they have no significance.  

Write down (reflect on) the following:

- How essential is it to your true self whether you are feeling good?
- Do negative feelings eventually fade away—perhaps on their own?
- How essential is it to your true self what emotions are swirling within you?
- Are those emotions you recently experienced forgettable?
- How essential is it to your true self what thoughts are in your mind?
- Can you let go of any thought at any time?
- Can you choose other thoughts instead at any time?
- Is it possible to completely clear the mind for a while?

Write down any experiences you have that support the following:

- Letting go of bad thoughts can lift your spirits.
- Emptying the mind can bring you peace.

Try a "presence meditation"! Some resources:

- Brain Control CDs
- Béla Balogh (YouTube)
- Buddha Mind (book + CD)
- sorsnavigator.hu

Now that I have finished sharing my Step 4, I am attaching the previous guides in a unified format for your kind use.

1. Do you believe your character flaws were caused by drinking?
2. Is it true that aside from drinking, there is nothing wrong with you?
3. Do you still think your problems are caused by others?
4. Have you forgiven yourself yet?
5. Do you still hold any grudges against anyone in the world?
6. Do you hate those who think differently?
7. Do you hate those who are different?
8. Are you angry with the government?
9. Can you recognize the negative emotions behind your bad feelings?
10. Can you identify the negative thoughts surrounding your negative emotions?
11. Can you let go of negative thinking and attitudes?
12. Have you realized that you are not identical to your thoughts?
13. Do you know that thoughts come and go? That they have no significance?